Captain's Log: CD 11

Captain's Log: CD 11.

US #2 for IUI 2 was this morning. The concern was that we would have 3 or more follies since I had 4-5 potential follies on CD 8. 

Good news! I have a 12 mm on my left, 13 mm on my right and a 10 mm on my left. Our hope is that the 10 mm doesn't grow over a 15 mm and doesn't release. If it gets to maturity, we will discuss canceling the cycle. Dr A may allow us to continue once he's advised us of the risks of higher order multiples. 

Currently, I am on 37.5 IU of Gonal F and will continue that through tomorrow. On Sunday, I will take Menopur. Monday, I go back for another scan and E2 draw. 

On CD 8, my E2 was only 20, but that was only after one dose of Gonal F. Today, it was 195, which was above the goal of 100 that Dr. A wanted. On Monday, he wants it to be over 400, but also not too high to consider benching me. The rest of the plan includes a trigger on Monday and IUI on Wednesday. But, we all know how things can change. I jut hope I don't O on my own before then. I have been know to O around CD 13 in prior months. 

Happy 4th of July!

We've got the best seats in the house at our local fireworks show! 

DH is the manager of the park where the fireworks are located and we're high and dry in the baseball field press box! While everyone else is getting soaked outside, we're toasty warm. You can't beat this with a stick. 

This roller coaster isn't fun.

It's been one of those days. 

Someone gave me an analogy years ago about life and its problems. Read with me and try to keep up with my head. 

Life is a bucket. In it, we piss and moan and shit. (I guess it would make more sense if life was a toilet, but whatevs). The bad days are the shitty days. Someone else just keeps shitting in our bucket. Works shits in the bucket. Health  shits in our bucket. Personal problems take a giant dump in there too. On the bad days, someone stands there with a stick and just stirs and stirs and stirs. More shit is added and it gets stirred over and over again which just makes life more messy and shitty. 

Today has been my bucket of shit and infertility is being a giant pain in my ass and stick in my bucket. 

The morning shift at 911 rolled along routinely and we had just picked up lunch at my favorite coffee house. I opened my box and poured my pasta salad into the lid. My bite was interrupted by a 911 line ringing. 

Out of my three other partners, I got to it first. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had been a second slower. I would have liked to have not taken this call. An elderly female was hysterical and said her 4 year old great nephew was not breathing. Long story is the child did not survive, despite her administering my CPR instructions, EMS quick response and ER attention. His injuries were too much. Charges are pending and I can't go into details, but I can count on one hand how many child, baby and newborn death calls I've taken. I can tell you each story vividly, and even remember their names. I can also tell you that each one involved stupid people who do stupid things, except one.  That one was no ones fault. That special one was able to be revived, if but for a short time for his family to spend a few final minutes with him.

If this had been the only bad call of the day, it would still have been classified as a bad day. But no. It got worse. Two more cardiac arrests that ended in two deaths. And I took each one of the calls. 

Add to this shittastic work day a smudge of concern at the RE appt and I am now ready to call this day quits. On CD 8, I have 4, maybe 5 follies, that are growing. I'm dialing down the Gonal dose to 37.5 IU and going back Friday. Hopefully, only two will be growing and ready for an IUI. If more follies grow, then we're cancelled. 

Coming home, I arranged my Menopur and trigger Rx to be delivered by Friday. Another $268 into this cycle. 

Our honey pot is quickly dwindling. And my mind is quickly reaching its blowing point. I told DH tonight that if this cycle isn't a BFP, then I'm done. Maybe for only a little while? But I can't do this again right now. It's taking its toll on me mentally. Plus, the financial part is weighing on me as much as the mental part. I need a time out. I feel like I'm the only one doing anything, but yet I know there's nothing else for DH to do. I feel like it's all my fault anyways, so the added pressure of only one cycle to succeed is doubling my anxiety. 

I could use some hugs, but mostly, I really could use a nap, or maybe just more than 5 hours of sleep. And I really wish that damn stick would stop stirring up shit. 

I did it!

If you want to get technical about it, my coworker did it. 

I've been shot.

Work you stupid hormones! WORK! 

Other random tidbits: 

Captains Log of 1st Gonal shot: it didn't hurt. I will do it by myself from now on. 

Work is finally over. It's never a good end to a shift when your last call is someone finding a dead body. 

I'm hitting the trail, because I need to prove to myself that I am still alive. 

It's shot day!

Today is shot day! Woohoo! I'm excited to shoot myself! Can you tell?

One of the smart ladies on TB clued me in that the dose prescribed by Dr A isn't on my pen. Whoopsie! He wanted me to start with 50 IU but the pen's smallest increments are 37.5 and 75 IU. After a short call to the RE, he wants me to start with 75 IU today and he may change the dose after tomorrow's US. 

So, here goes nothing. I'm going to have my coworker give me the first shot and let her teach me how to do it. She's awesome because she's not nosy at all. When I asked her to give me a shot later today, she said, what kind? 

I said a hormone shot and thought if she asks for details then I may disclose my IF. Instead, her reply was "No. Not what kind of medicine. What kind of shot? Intramuscular or Sub Q?" 

I said Sub Q and she said I'd be happy to stick you and never said another word. 

Yay for non nosy people!!! I actually still may tell my partners later but the bosses were in and out of the console area and I didn't want them over hearing.

Just keep running.

It's cd 6, and the 4th day of Femara. I will stop taking the pills and start the shot of Gonal F tomorrow, cd 7. My side effects from the Femara have been almost non existent except for the blues that I've gotten every time I've taken it. 

It's amazing how hopeless I feel and how I go from numb to bat shat crazy in about 0.2 seconds. This part of the whole process just pisses me off. 

I'm still deciding on whether to give myself the shots or get a coworker to do it. My partners at 911 are a former paramedic and former EMT. It would be easy for them to do it but it would mean I would have to open up about IF and explain everything. 

Thoughts from anyone who is open about IF? Positive or negative? If you had the choice again, would you keep it private? 

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My technique for relaxing is keeping up with the C25K program. I'm feeling great and so proud that I've came so far, especially without any injuries. 

In total, my 5k app says I've run 24.6 miles over 5 hours and 30 minutes. If the thunderstorms hold off, I plan on adding to that total tonight. If I get my run in tonight, then that will be the end of Week 4, the farthest that I've ever made it. I actually think I've surpassed my previous progress because I think I was in week 3 when I got a stress fracture. 

A secret to surviving night shift.

Some nights you just need more than a bowl of fruit and water.