First follie US

CD 8 monitoring US went as expected. Thank goodness. 

Dr A wants to be more aggressive this cycle and we're shooting for two follies, maybe three. 

Today, I have about 5 follies that are hanging out, with one a little larger than the rest. The plan is to continue 75 IU of Gonal F until Thursday's US and see if that brings a few others up to speed. The fear is that if the one big follie continues to outpace the others then it will become dominant and progress but the others will not, leaving us with only one follicle again. Through the controlled ovarian hyper stimulation we're attempting to keep 2-3 at the same size until we trigger them to release. 

Thursday is CD 10 and we will do another scan and more bloodwork. 

Also, if you recognize these terms and abbreviations you win a cookie. 

It's that time again.

EDIT: this was supposed to publish yesterday. Blogger had a glitch and I had to republish a day late. 

It's time to shoot myself again. 

Today is CD 6. I've been on Femara 2.5 mg for 4 days and will finish it tomorrow. Gonal F shots start tonight with 75 IU to be continued until the first scan. From there we will decide to lower or keep the higher dose after my Tuesday US on CD 8. 

Fortunately, my Gonal F pen will last me through this cycle. I could potentially have enough for more cycles but it technically expires right about now. Expiration is 28 days after its opened, however, I've read a lot of women use expired drugs and they work fine. 

I still have a trigger shot left, but will need the Menopur prescribed again. Dr A said he may only do one dose of Menopur so that would only be $79 plus the $833 for the monitoring and IUI from the RE. Less than a $1,000 for an injects IUI cycle is rootin tootin cheap. I do have an amazing  RE office and he has great pricing. FYI, his IVF cycle is less than $9,000 without meds, which can potentially add another $2,000. He doesn't offer a shared risk program, like Shady Grove and other large clinics routinely use.

That's the cost for one fresh IVF. If frozen embryos are preserved and subsequently used for later cycles, the cost is much, much less. I can't remember the exact total but I want to say around $4,000 for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, or what is commonly referred to as FET. 

The big upfront cost for the fresh cycle is for the monitoring, egg retrieval and fertilization. ICSI, a process by which the sperm is individually put into the egg, costs a little more and adds to the total. 

I don't know why I got onto an IVF tangent. It could be because we've discussed things at length recently and still haven't reached a clear cut decision. We're both thinking about what's next and forgetting that there is some hope in this cycle. I let myself think that it could really happen this last cycle and now I don't even want to entertain the idea so I don't get let down again. Make sense? 

The higher you fly, the harder your fall?!

Anywho, I leave you with a cute pic. Who wants to kiss this nose???

She is about two inches from my face, laying on a pillow in my lap. Can you say spoiled? 

Today...

Today I didn't cry.

That's got to be a good sign, right?

Today was CD 4 and my first baseline scan for my IUI 3. At this point, this will be our last effort with fertility treatments to get pregnant. 

Unless I win the lottery (which I don't play) or somehow find $20,000 laying on the sidewalk, then we're done after this. We will start saving money, either for IVF or for adoption. Since adoption has a better success rate than the 50% success rate of IVF then that may be the direction we walk. 

DH and I have talked at length for the past few days and we're still circling about where the path may lead us. 

But, for today and the next few weeks, I will focus on this cycle and try to search deep and find some hope somewhere amongst my heartache. 

As for my appointment, Dr A and I both want to be aggressive and attempt to get 2-3 follies this time. I will start with 75 IU of Gonal F on cd 6 after I do 5 days of Femara 2.5 mg. 

I swear I'm not in college anymore

Angry orchard and Ramen noodles. 

The perfect meal for a soon to be 32 year old at 9:45 p.m. 

I'm lost.

I'm lost. 

I don't know where to go for support. I don't know who to turn to in real life. I don't know where to seek refuge on the Internet. I know I have lots of friends in both places but I feel like I'm at a turning point and I need someone to hold my hand and tell me exactly which way is the best direction for us. 

I've made a CD 3 appt to do one more injects and IUI cycle but I have zero hope that it will work. I've tried to rationalize with my mind and heart and wrap around one more cycle but the little person tapping me on the shoulder says it's not going to work. 

I may never be pregnant. I may never feel a child kicking inside me. I may never get to experience the fear, anxiety and wonder of birth. 

I don't want to start the meds over again because I know it will tailspin my emotions all over again, but there is not an option of a cycle break. My meds will expire after this cycle, meaning that the money that we do have left will not be enough if I have to purchase the whole kitten kaboodle of meds again. 

The carousel of emotions is draining. I have no energy and am angry non stop. My coworkers hate me so much right now because they don't know why I'm being a raging, sniffing, secretly sobbing psycho. 

Rambling is all that is happening in this post and I'm sorry. Even my mind can't get wrapped around how to type words onto a screen without getting lost. 

If someone finds me wandering around, please hold my hand and put me back on the right path, wherever it may lead.

The beginning of the end.

If I write too much, I will start crying. Since I'm at work, I would like to avoid that.

I will keep it short. The spotting is getting worse. AF should be here in a couple days, despite the intended help from progesterone to keep the spotting away.

I don't know where to go from here. DH and I will talk later about our plans for the future. The options are to declare this our last cycle and settle for never having a biological child, pursue adoption or save money to continue IF treatment. 

At this point we're financially infertile. It's a mind numbing moment when you realize that money is blocking the road from becoming parents. 

I could keep writing but I feel the tears welling up so I will stop for now. 

CD 26 / 10 DPIUI

The trigger is gone. 

Oh Gah. What do I do if the second line doesn't come back? 

Now the worrying starts. 

Just another day

My updates are boring right now since they only deal with my urine samples and side effects from progesterone. Bear with me. It's all I've got going on or at least have the time to blog about. 

So here goes...

Side effects are kicking it up a notch. Last night my progesterone pill knocked my proverbial dick in the dirt. I staggered around like a drunk hobo, running into walls and couldn't walk a straight line if an officer held a gun to my head. Shew Lord the dizziness was bad. 

I needed to go to bed early so I could get up at 4 a.m. for day shift but even if I hadn't I would have still been in bed by 9.  The sore boobs and bloat are still there. 

One good thing I haven't experienced this cycle is spotting. The progesterone is supposed to help with that. The past two cycles I have started spotting at 8 DPO with a normal LP of 13 days. Previous to this, I would spot for a day or two before AF. In all of my temping and charting days, I never spotted for 5+ days, so I am really hoping that these pills will take care of that!

As for the trigger, it's still hanging around. It's light and barely there, but still noticeable to the naked eye. You may not be able to see it in my pics, but trust me. 

I'm on day shift this weekend which means I'm working 12 hour shifts and going to bed before 9. I barely have time to eat and watch Big Bang Theory before bed. Booooo. 

Trigger update

It's CD 24 / 8 DPO and my trigger is still there. It's light but still present.

I keep thinking it will be gone with the next day's test, but it's not. The other problem is that I have the bad batch of wondfos and I have gotten false positives on them before. These look different than the false positives but I hope that the trigger doesn't leave and then I get another false test. 

I will keep testing it out until the hcg is gone from my system. When it finally does go away, I will test at 12 DPO. 

Progesterone. I love you.

CD 23 / 7 DPO and I'm starting to feel the effects of the progesterone pills. 

My belly feels like someone pumping up a giant inflatable beach ball inside my abdomen.

I've never been more aware that I have boobs. Until now, they've been small enough to stay out of my way. They don't bother me and I don't bother them. Today, it hurts to put a bra on. I'm sure it will be tough to sleep tonight since I'm a stomach sleeper. 

The hunger part hasn't hit me yet, but that may be because I've overfed Cecil (my stomach's nickname) for two whole days. He's not had time to be hungry since I keep shoving cheesecake and other yummy things into him. 

My impromptu girls trip was AWESOME! We shopped and shopped and laughed and laughed. 

Quick recap: one of my friends has a 10 month old DD. We perused through Gap Kids and then went to another store. Another friend switched her purse to a different shoulder and hanging on her purse was a baby outfit and hanger. We all laughed at her secret shoplifting ability as she took it back and apologized. 

While waiting for Miss Kleptomaniac to return her pilfered item, we watched a dad pushing a stroller with infant as he led his probably 2 YO son by a body/backpack leash. Good ol' Dad didn't notice the son had tripped and was laying on the ground like a turtle while Daddy dragged him for about 5 feet  with the kids feet and arms flapping in the air. 

Some people might feel sympathy for the kid and dad. I am not one of those people. I bit my lip so I didn't laugh in his face and my other friend immediately turned and walked away to hold in her giggles. Trust me. If the kid had been hurt, I would have helped. But if I see you fall in front of me, I will laugh at you while I pick you up. 

Anyways, we had a blast and are making plans to do it again in the fall before Christmas. 

And for your pee stick enjoyment, here is my 7 DPO trigger pic. The line is faint but still noticeable. 

CD 22. 6 DPIUI

Quick update since there's not much to tell you about anyways. 

I'm 6 DPIUI and entering the time frame where implantation could happen. So of course that means I'm analyzing every cramp and gas burble. It's ridiculous how much attention to pay to your gas and poop pains when you're TTC. Because in reality all of those pains only mean you're full of crap. 

Literally.

I'm doing well on the progesterone. I can't even attribute any side effects to it. I'm hungry, but that's kinda normal. My boobs were sore this morning but I had been sleeping on my stomach. I could tell you about my bowel movement changes but some things should probably just not be talked about on the blog. I don't mind discussing my cervical mucus but my poo is personal. At least I like to think that it's my way of keeping something secret or private.

Y'all don't kno my lyfe!!! 

Oh wait. You do. 

Oh I forgot. It does make me sleepy. Like reallllllllly sleepy. But I don't mind that since I take melatonin to sleep some days anyways.

I didn't test my trigger yesterday. I sorta kinda forgot and didn't think about it until after I peed. Thanks to DH knocking off the other tests from the back of the toilet,  I won't have a picture of the lines progressing from the initial trigger shot. Apparently boys don't think pee sticks should sit out in the open for days at a time.

Whatevs. I do what I want.

I'm off for an impromptu girls trip for a couple days. If y'all don't hear from me, don't panic. I will be eating my weight in desserts at The Cheesecake Factory. 

I officially feel like a runner!

Going into Week 5, Day 3 of C25k I predicted I couldn't complete the 20 minutes of running without any walking breaks.

I had beaten myself up so many times over not being able to do the smaller time increments on a couple occasions that I just knew I wouldn't be able to do 20 minutes. 

So what does one do when they feel overwhelmed? Whine. Over and over. 

I whined to my fake Internet friends. I said, "Friends, I can't do this."

They said, "Yes you can do this!" and 

"(Wo)man imposes her own limitations. Don't set them up for yourself!! You are stronger than you think."

One of my problems is that I quickly lose my breath. A few minutes into a run, I feel like I can't get a deep breath. This was fine when the running portions were only a couple minutes but once it went to 5 minutes and then 8 minutes, I struggled to finish. I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. The side stitches were terrible. 

After some encouragement that I was strong enough, I searched for clues as to why my lungs sucked. Well, not literally sucked since that was my problem. 

I don't know how we ever lived without Dr. Google. Ponder on that for a minute. How often do you google random stuff? 

Anywho, Dr. Google and some running gurus told me that I don't breathe correctly. 31 years later, I figure this out? Thanks a lot, people. Someone should have told me this when I was like 5. You get taught how to tie shoes, walk standing on your feet, and piss in a porcelain bowl, but no one teaches you to breathe. 

Apparently, I breathe with my chest. This is wrong.

I should be breathing with my stomach. I know. You think this is crazy, right? Well it's true. 

Take a deep breath. Did your chest rise or did your stomach pooch out? Go ahead. Do it. I will wait. 

From what I learned, when you run, your breathing should be deep into the stomach. It opens up more lung capacity and brings in more air. You can try to adjust your breathing technique as your sitting or walking and then use it during your next run. 

I was re-energized by my friends' support and by this new information and gave it a try for my first 6 am morning run after a 12 hour night shift. I figured if I was going to do this 20 minutes of running, I should throw a bunch of obstacles in my way to overcome. Go big or go home, right? 

The benefit was that instead of running in 100% humidity in the middle of a 90 degree day, I was able to run when it was 68 degrees with the sun rising around me. 

I also downloaded a new C25k app which is the free version. It's downside is that it doesn't have GPS or break down a review of your times after the run. It just prompts you when to run and walk. Nike+ has a free GPS app that I downloaded as well. You turn it on, turn off the Nike music setting, and start the C25k app. Ready. Set. Run. The music and voice prompts come from the C25k app and your GPS is calculated by Nike+. While I like my other app, I didn't like its GPS ability. I have run the same trail over and over again and some days it would tell me I ran 2.2 miles and the next it was 2.4, but my times and pace were the same. I think it was malfunctioning and just not accurate, so I switched. I can't complain too much since how accurate can it really be for a $2.99 app? Either way, I'm doing the program and kicking my own butt. 

Not only did I complete the workout, I felt wonderful! I could have easily kept running once I got a rhythm with my breathing. It was amazing at the difference between me literally huffing and puffing little short breaths to taking full breaths. Now that I've got this figured out I can concentrate on my pace. Today I did 12:09 per mile, but that is an average that includes run time and walking for a 5 minute warm up and cool down for 5 minutes. That's my one gripe with the new app. The old app separated the walking and running pace. 

But I will take that pace because it means that it gave me my best distance to date of 2.52 miles! I'm soooo close to getting the full 3.1 miles under my belt that I can taste it! 

A post of pictures

Just because I know you like to see things that I pee on.

Y'all are going to love it when I finally blog about what's coming up that involves me and some amazing women running, getting color bombed and kicking IF in the ballsack.

Homemade is always better. My coworkers have some serious cooking skills. And yes, those are fried green tomatoes. ::drool:: 

A post ALL about Infertility. Edumucation time!!!

I'm sure I won't cover it all, but I wanted to do a quick educational post about IF and some of the procedures that me and other IFers are going through. 

If you have additional questions, please comment and ask. 

I will start out with my protocol with my IUI. Remember, every protocol is different and is tailored to each patient based on her/his diagnosis and response to medications. Some women start out at different treatments based on age and length of time TTC. Finances also play a factor in treatment as a great number of women are OOP, out of pocket, since most insurances do not cover treatments or medications.

Typically, patients start with oral medications such as Clomid or Letrozole/Femara. That can be combined with TI, timed intercourse, instructed by ultrasound monitoring and blood tests by the RE. These are my REs success rates for these treatments, so take them with a grain of salt. They vary slightly between doctors offices. For TI and pills, the success rate is low. For pills and IUI, the success rate is 9%. Keep that in mind because the average healthy couple who brings TTC has a success rate of 20% each cycle for the first year, so you can see that even with the basic medicated help, the statistics aren't promising. The general rule is that a healthy female under 35 should TTC naturally for a year before seeking medical help from a reproductive endocrinologist. If a woman is over 35 that time frame is 6 months. IF problems occur in approximately 1 in 8 women. 

Following the pills and TI, the next step is pills and IUI. If the female has good response to the pills and good sperm count this treatment could be used three times before moving onto injectable meds. Some patients skip the pills because of poor response or unfavorable side effects from the pills. Clomid is notorious for causing uterine lining problems, cysts, and over stimulation of the ovaries, a problem known as OHSS, which can cause permanent damage and even death in severe cases. OHSS can also be caused by injects too and this is why it is sooooooo important to be properly monitored by ultrasounds and bloodwork and also why no IF patient should be seen by an OB. REs are for getting you pregnant. OBs are for after you get pregnant. Simple as that. See a real fertility specialist if you have IF issues. 

A specific treatment is used three times before moving on to the next course. Once the three times had passed, the chances of success are low enough that it doesn't make sense to proceed. 

For my injects cycle, I did a hybrid cycle of Femara 25 mg for cd 3-7 and of 37.5 IU of Gonal F, aka Follistim, for cd 7-12, Menopur on cd 13-14, trigger on cd 14 and IUI on cd 16. During the 2ww, I will be on progesterone from cd 18 through the entire 2ww. 

I won't speak to other meds except for mine, so I won't confuse you. Just as a point of reference, this protocol has a success rate of about 25%.

Femara is an oral med in pill form that is actually made to combat breast cancer. In its IF form, it is used to help women ovulate. It causes less problems than Clomid, which has the same basic purpose. 

Gonal F is a stronger form of injectable meds to assist in stimulating the ovaries to make more follies. Inside the follies, really known as follicles, is the egg. When a follie gets to mature size, somewhere above 20 mm, the follicle will burst and release the egg. 

Menopur is basically a supplement for the luteinizing hormone. In a normal cycle, when the LH increases, it tells your ovaries to release the egg. This is the hormone that is detected in OPKs. When you pee on these sticks and you get a positive OPK, otherwise known as an LH surge, then it means your body is about to O. Typically, O will happen 12-24 hours after a positive OPK. Many women get multiple positive OPKs in one cycle. Bodies can have an LH surge but still not O. That's why these little pee sticks can't be depending on to determine O. The only true way of confirming O is by taking your basal body temperature, bbt, or by bloodwork and US monitoring. OPKs are helpful because they can narrow down the days you need to have sex, especially in the time when having sex isn't fun anymore and it becomes a chore, so you're not having sex on days when you're not fertile. The Menopur was prescribed to pump up my LH as a supplement. 

After that I took a trigger shot of HCG. The trigger is used to help time the IUI or even help time sex on a TI cycle. When that shot is given, you will O approximately 36-48 hours following the shot. IUIs are timed about 24-36 hours after the shot so the sperm are in the right spot waiting for the egg when it drops. 

If you've seen women talking about testing out their triggers, here's what that means. Triggers contain HCG, which is the same hormone your body produces when you're pregnant, therefore a trigger will turn an home pregnancy test positive.  The HCG leaves the system as the 2ww progresses so some women have tested it out and see it gone, proven by a negative hpt around 8dpo. However, triggers can remain in the system for longer and if it's not tested out, it can produce a false negative. Sometimes the second line on the hpt never completely disappears if it turns into a BFP, but a true BFP will turn darker each day as the pregnancy progresses. 

Seen above, this is a OPK 1dpt (1 day post trigger) and a hpt at 4dpt and 2dpiui (2 days past IUI).

If my trigger disappears and a second line returns, then it can be assumed that it is a true BFP. 

Theoretically, BFPs can be seen after implantation, which occurs at 7-10 dpo. But, the chance of seeing a BFP at 10dpo is about 35%. Every day you wait to test after that increases the chances that the test answer is valid. You could get a BFN at 11 dpo but then get a BFP at 13 dpo. It doesn't mean the test at 11 dpo is false. It means that you didn't wait long enough for your body to produce enough HCG to register on a hpt. 

Lastly, there's progesterone. It's another hormone that's produced naturally. Bodies produce progesterone during the 2ww. It's the evil hormone that is responsible for all your period symptoms. It makes your boobs sore. It makes you hungry and angry. But it also does good things when you're trying to get pregnant. It helps the embryo implant and helps keep you pregnant. Early miscarriages are sometimes thought to be because of a progesterone deficiency. Progesterone decreases before AF and when it drops, AF comes. The level of progesterone also indicates how strong ovulation was. At 7dpo, a P4 blood test is done. P4 should be above 10 on a natural cycle and above 15 on a medicated cycle. 

Make sense? 

Clear as mud? 

Lordie that was a long lesson based on one person's protocol. Gah, I would hate to even touch the topic of IVF. Quick explanation of difference between IVF and IUI is this. IVF uses eggs and sperm in a medical procedure to put them together. They're transferred back into the body days later after they've fertilized. IUI is when the sperm are put into the uterus to wait on the egg to drop in its natural path. There's much more to IVF but that's a simple explanation. 

Sooooo...if you made it through this ridiculously long post, you get a cookie. I have plenty to share.

For more information about TTC and IF, please visit these sites:

www.resolve.org

www.fertilityfriend.com

www.tcoyf.com

EDITED TO ADD: This 2:30 am post is brought to you by the wonderful world of night shift and by Gonz, who requests that I post earlier in the day. Is this early enough, G? :)

If you are squeamish don't open this.

I can handle any kind of emergency call. I've seen hundreds of injuries photos that don't make me blink, EXCEPT for injuries to the eye. 

First of all let me say that Minnie is OK. Thank goodness. DH called me on my way home and said Minnie was stuck on the chain link fence in our backyard. Apparently, she was digging for a rock under the fence and the fence pierced her bottom eyelid and punctured through below the eye. She was stuck until I got got home as DH held her quiet and from further injuring herself. He was going to get some metal clippers to cut the fence but as I was trying to switch places with him and hold her, she wiggled herself free.

Off we went to the emergency vet since it was after hours. I was concerned about if her eye was injured and if there was any metal left in her eye. Once the vet saw her, he said she may need a stitch to close the wound and he would check her eye. By this point she was wagging her tail and licking me like crazy. She was acting fine except for her swollen eyelid, which wasn't even bleeding. 

Sedation was required and she spent about an hour under while the vet took a good look around. He determined the injury wasn't as severe as he originally thought and that there wasn't a laceration to be stitched. She did have a puncture wound where it poked through the skin but it will heal without a stitch.

She's groggy, but she's back home and sleeping on me now. The eye is puffy and she looks like she's been punched in the eye. But we're so thankful that it wasn't any worse. 

Here's her little bandages from the sedation that look like tiger leggings. The eye doesn't appear as swollen in this pic but it swelled more after she walked around a bit. With a little rest, I hope she will look better in a few days.

Oh and good news, DH handled it like a pro. I was so scared that he may get sick or pass out before I got home as he was holding her. I know it freaked him out but I think because Minnie is our fur baby, he stepped up. 

IUI done. DH is banned from all future doctor visits.

First off let me say that I've always known that DH has a problem with medical procedures. He's passed during blood draws and runs away screaming like a 5 year old girl running from a spider when he sees a shot. During my injectables, he literally would not be in the same room while I was prepping the shot. 

Years ago during a family shared illness where everyone was huddled around toilets and trash cans, DH needed a Fenegran shot to stop his vomiting. It took two people to hold him down and one to stick him. If our getting pregnant depending on him taking injectable meds, we would have already moved into adoption. He's that scared. His father is the exact same way. Following a car accident, his dad fought the paramedics because he didn't want a shot or stitches. Nevermind the fact that he had a gaping hole in his head. That didn't bother him. But a tiny needle to help take the pain away sent him over the edge of rational thinking. 

Back to today, the IUI was over and I'm still spread eagle with my hoohaa open to Dr A and a medical student. Quick recap for newbs and lurkers who aren't familiar with IUI process. DH goes in about an hour before the appointment time and gives his sperm sample. The sperm is then spun and washed and separated or something like that and then the best lovely, wiggly sperm are put aside for me. I don't understand sperm stuff too much and there are some great experts on TB who deal with male factor infertility who explain it so much better than me. It involves math and numbers and I don't do math. The sample is brought into my room and we double check the name on it and make sure it's ours. Dr. A threads a catheter through a speculum into my uterus and then deposits the sperm for the egg that should have ovulated today. The goal of an IUI is to get the sperm as close as possible to where the egg is. As the egg continues down the Fallopian tube, the sperm will be there waiting. Make sense? 

Following the IUI, Dr A did an ultrasound to see the placement of the sperm and to teach the med student some things. As we watched and pointed at the sperm moving in my uterus, Dr A just happened to look up at DH who was standing out of my view behind my head. 

He said, "Are you Ok?" 

DH's eyes were open but he wasn't responding to us. He was leaned up against the wall and door and the nurse and med student jumped over to him as he started to fall. His eyes were open the whole time but it was like the open sign was flashing but no one was home. As soon as he started to fall, his eyes closed and they caught him and lowered him to a chair. It took about 15-20 seconds before he started responding to us again. DH never sweats but he has sweat rolling off of him in waves. The med student got him a drink of water and a few minutes later he was more awake and responding  better but for a few minutes he was pale, sweaty and near vomit stage. 

He doesn't remember what part started making him sick but he did warn me that if I do get pregnant, he won't be in the delivery room. I said, oh yes you will be. I said you may be passed out in the corner but you will be there. 

Until then, he is banned (by me) from all further doctor appointments. I would rather go by myself than have to worry about him. 

Now for the important deets: DH sperm count was 79 million post wash with 69% motile which is excellent. 

My uterine lining was good and according to Dr A I have perfect mucus. Ummm thanks, I think? 

Progesterone starts Friday and beta is in two weeks. Until then, we wait. 

For the rest of the day, I am lounging on the couch and thinking about cleaning. But it's kinda hard to clean with this laying on your pillow.

My body hates me today.

Every part of my body is sore. Muscles, gums, head, stomach... You get the picture. 

Yesterday, I redid W5,D1 of C25K. It alternates from 5 minutes of running to 3 minutes walking with three repetitions. The first attempt at this was bad. It was the first time I had ever stopped during a workout. Not just walking for a few seconds, but actually had to stop. I was seconds away from vomiting. I probably skipped about 3 minutes of the last interval running portion and sat down for a total of 5 minutes until the nausea went away. I felt so horrible afterwards because I couldn't finish. 

Yesterday, I was determined to finish. And I did!!! The time wasn't great, but I was so glad that I did the complete workout! 

My body hates me today for it though. But I do love the sore feeling after a good workout. 

What I don't love is my butt cheek hurting from the IM shot of the trigger. Oddly it wasn't hurting last night but today it's getting worse. On top of that, I went to the dentist today to get a filling. It took three shots to get me numb. I've had more shots in the past two weeks than in my entire life. Now that the numbness has worn off, my mouth feels like I've been punched by Mike Tyson. I had to go buy some Tylenol. I hope it helps.

Needle druggies are hard core.

I could never be a druggie. Who in their right mind would purposely give themselves shots everyday to get high!? After just two weeks of meds, only about half of which was injectables, my poor body looks like a pin cushion. 

Don't get me wrong. I will do what needs to be done to have a baby, but honestly my veins are crying out in protest. The crooks of my arms looks like a needle dopers. I've got five lovely holes and bruises from bloodwork draws. My tummy and buttocks are sore from the daily sticks. 

But, finally, FINALLY, I am done with the majority of needles this month. Last night my MIL met us in a restaurant parking lot for a not-suspicious-at-all-drug-transaction. 

To the man driving by in the red Ford truck, if you're reading this, I hope you got your eyes full. That full moon of my butt shouldn't make you feel to special though since every nurse and doctor and medical student East of the Mississippi has seen my rump and hoohaa. 

The trigger didn't hurt. The shot wasn't pleasant but the IM part wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. 

My IUI will be Wednesday and I will start progesterone on Friday. I will probably start testing out my trigger after that. 

The next time I get poked and blood sucked out will be for a P4 test at 7dpo and then a beta in two weeks. No more drugs and needles for a while! Woohoo! 

The one thing I have realized is that I could never secretly be a druggie, since I would have to have my coworker and MIL to help me with the big, scary needles.

Captain's Log: CD 14 US

The concern of canceling the cycle because of 3 follies is gone. I only have one potentially mature follie at 19mm. There is a 14mm hanging out that I am hoping will mature past 15 and go with the trigger. 

I was really hoping for two follies to have two targets, and I am a little disappointed  after this morning's appointment. 

But, I'm trying to remain optimistic and thankful that everything else looks great. My lining is good, but I did forget to ask what it was. My E2 level was drawn but I haven't heard back about that yet. 

Nurse Missy gave me my Menopur shot. Remember when I said it hurt? Wanna know why? Because Freedom Fertility didn't send me Sub Q needles. So the needle I used was an intramuscular needle. I didn't put the needle all the way in, but it was a large size. As for the burning, it still BURNS WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND SUNS! 

As it was going in today I almost had to grab a hold of something to distract me. It's like 10 seconds of my stomach being melted from the inside. After that, it's ok. It's warm but not in a nice fuzzy way. I just kept thinking this with be all worth it and it's only a few seconds. 

My E2 draw only took one shot today instead of the three pokes on CD 11. Thanks to TB suggestions, I drank lots of water beforehand. I hope that's what helped and will continue to do that from now on. 

I am meeting my mother in law tonight for her to give me the trigger shot. It's IM and there's no way I can do it or that DH can do it. He won't even be in the same room when I give myself shots. 

FX that the little follie matures and we get two targets! Otherwise, we will continue with one follie and IUI on Wednesday.

SON OF A MOTHER LOVING KITTEN!

Those are the words that came out of my mouth. 

Menopur hurts!!!!

My coworker gave me the shot and as she put the needle in she said, "Ouch, that has to hurt?" 

I said no, the needle wasn't too bad and then she hit the plunger! Holy GEKDURNBEIJDUCKING DHUEJDNSONOFA! Yeah that hurt. 

Thirty minutes later, it still burns. But it's easing up. I hate to spread the bad news to ladies who may have to take this shot eventually, but I'm not going to blow unicorn farts on you. I'm nothing, if I'm not brutally honest. 

One step forward. About 20 steps back

Days like this are when I want to curl up in a hole and cry. 

DH's truck came out of gear or the brakes failed and the truck ran into the AC unit at a restaurant that he mows for. It's a brand new unit which probably cost more than $10,000. Liability insurance on DHs old truck will probably not cover it. The restaurants insurance will come after DH for repayment of it. 

As I was trying to research our vehicles policy to determine coverage, my laptop decided to die. I mean REALLY DIE. It won't turn on. All it does is go to a blank white screen. No blue screen of death. Nothing. 

I am about to burst out in tears. I'm at work and I am numb to all of this now. 

I know bad things happen in threes so I'm just waiting for the next thing to happen today. 

Package delivered.

This is only slightly overwhelming. 

And by slightly I mean "Oh Em Gee." 

Captain's Log: CD 11

Captain's Log: CD 11.

US #2 for IUI 2 was this morning. The concern was that we would have 3 or more follies since I had 4-5 potential follies on CD 8. 

Good news! I have a 12 mm on my left, 13 mm on my right and a 10 mm on my left. Our hope is that the 10 mm doesn't grow over a 15 mm and doesn't release. If it gets to maturity, we will discuss canceling the cycle. Dr A may allow us to continue once he's advised us of the risks of higher order multiples. 

Currently, I am on 37.5 IU of Gonal F and will continue that through tomorrow. On Sunday, I will take Menopur. Monday, I go back for another scan and E2 draw. 

On CD 8, my E2 was only 20, but that was only after one dose of Gonal F. Today, it was 195, which was above the goal of 100 that Dr. A wanted. On Monday, he wants it to be over 400, but also not too high to consider benching me. The rest of the plan includes a trigger on Monday and IUI on Wednesday. But, we all know how things can change. I jut hope I don't O on my own before then. I have been know to O around CD 13 in prior months. 

Happy 4th of July!

We've got the best seats in the house at our local fireworks show! 

DH is the manager of the park where the fireworks are located and we're high and dry in the baseball field press box! While everyone else is getting soaked outside, we're toasty warm. You can't beat this with a stick. 

This roller coaster isn't fun.

It's been one of those days. 

Someone gave me an analogy years ago about life and its problems. Read with me and try to keep up with my head. 

Life is a bucket. In it, we piss and moan and shit. (I guess it would make more sense if life was a toilet, but whatevs). The bad days are the shitty days. Someone else just keeps shitting in our bucket. Works shits in the bucket. Health  shits in our bucket. Personal problems take a giant dump in there too. On the bad days, someone stands there with a stick and just stirs and stirs and stirs. More shit is added and it gets stirred over and over again which just makes life more messy and shitty. 

Today has been my bucket of shit and infertility is being a giant pain in my ass and stick in my bucket. 

The morning shift at 911 rolled along routinely and we had just picked up lunch at my favorite coffee house. I opened my box and poured my pasta salad into the lid. My bite was interrupted by a 911 line ringing. 

Out of my three other partners, I got to it first. I wish I hadn't. I wish I had been a second slower. I would have liked to have not taken this call. An elderly female was hysterical and said her 4 year old great nephew was not breathing. Long story is the child did not survive, despite her administering my CPR instructions, EMS quick response and ER attention. His injuries were too much. Charges are pending and I can't go into details, but I can count on one hand how many child, baby and newborn death calls I've taken. I can tell you each story vividly, and even remember their names. I can also tell you that each one involved stupid people who do stupid things, except one.  That one was no ones fault. That special one was able to be revived, if but for a short time for his family to spend a few final minutes with him.

If this had been the only bad call of the day, it would still have been classified as a bad day. But no. It got worse. Two more cardiac arrests that ended in two deaths. And I took each one of the calls. 

Add to this shittastic work day a smudge of concern at the RE appt and I am now ready to call this day quits. On CD 8, I have 4, maybe 5 follies, that are growing. I'm dialing down the Gonal dose to 37.5 IU and going back Friday. Hopefully, only two will be growing and ready for an IUI. If more follies grow, then we're cancelled. 

Coming home, I arranged my Menopur and trigger Rx to be delivered by Friday. Another $268 into this cycle. 

Our honey pot is quickly dwindling. And my mind is quickly reaching its blowing point. I told DH tonight that if this cycle isn't a BFP, then I'm done. Maybe for only a little while? But I can't do this again right now. It's taking its toll on me mentally. Plus, the financial part is weighing on me as much as the mental part. I need a time out. I feel like I'm the only one doing anything, but yet I know there's nothing else for DH to do. I feel like it's all my fault anyways, so the added pressure of only one cycle to succeed is doubling my anxiety. 

I could use some hugs, but mostly, I really could use a nap, or maybe just more than 5 hours of sleep. And I really wish that damn stick would stop stirring up shit. 

I did it!

If you want to get technical about it, my coworker did it. 

I've been shot.

Work you stupid hormones! WORK! 

Other random tidbits: 

Captains Log of 1st Gonal shot: it didn't hurt. I will do it by myself from now on. 

Work is finally over. It's never a good end to a shift when your last call is someone finding a dead body. 

I'm hitting the trail, because I need to prove to myself that I am still alive. 

It's shot day!

Today is shot day! Woohoo! I'm excited to shoot myself! Can you tell?

One of the smart ladies on TB clued me in that the dose prescribed by Dr A isn't on my pen. Whoopsie! He wanted me to start with 50 IU but the pen's smallest increments are 37.5 and 75 IU. After a short call to the RE, he wants me to start with 75 IU today and he may change the dose after tomorrow's US. 

So, here goes nothing. I'm going to have my coworker give me the first shot and let her teach me how to do it. She's awesome because she's not nosy at all. When I asked her to give me a shot later today, she said, what kind? 

I said a hormone shot and thought if she asks for details then I may disclose my IF. Instead, her reply was "No. Not what kind of medicine. What kind of shot? Intramuscular or Sub Q?" 

I said Sub Q and she said I'd be happy to stick you and never said another word. 

Yay for non nosy people!!! I actually still may tell my partners later but the bosses were in and out of the console area and I didn't want them over hearing.