CD 25 / 12 DPO

I know it's still early. I know the BFN that I got this morning could be too early to tell but let's be honest, we all know I'm a pessimist and I believe this cycle is already a bust.

I'm off work today. I kinda wish I was working so I could keep my mind off of it.

Right now, I'm bummed. The anger and general suckage of life will come later.

If this cycle is a BFN, this next month is going to be hard. I will fill y'all in on it later if it comes to that.

Well...what is that?

Ever have that moment, when you've been monitoring your cycles for so long that you know when a headache is progesterone increased headache, your bowels coincide with certain CDs and you can almost predict the hour you will start spotting?

No? Just me.

Someone answer this riddle. WHY? How is it possible that I have never spotted before 12 DPO before? BUT here it is 10 DPO and guess what? Yep. Spotting.

Son of a Kitten SPOTTING.

Now, I could be one of those constantly hopeful and wishful morons who thinks this is Implantation Bleeding. But, we all know I am a Negative Nancy. My mind does not look at a half full glass. My mind sees it as a half empty glass and the sudden urge to pee while on a 911 call.

Sidenote, nothing will make you more aware of your bladder than a 911 call lasting over 5 minutes. It never fails. If a call is going to become something that you have to sit through for the 2 hour duration, you will feel the need to pee about 5 minutes into the call.

Don't think that I am above telling the Shift Commander to tell his boys to cool their dicks with traffic stops so I can take a potty break.

Totally different topic, which has no transition, except that I said dicks in the previous sentence and my mind went, OH WAIT SPERM!

I don't think I ever included DH's SA results from the IUI. I meant to but I don't completely understand how it works so I asked the geniuses at TB and this is what I learned.

DH results:
Count: 77 mil
Volume: 3.5 ml
Motility: 51
Total motility: 137 x10 6th/ml
Post wash concentration: 234 x10 6th/ml
Post wash motile: 43
Post wash total motile: 40x 10 6th/ml

Here is the reply from KatiB who explains it the best.

"If his original count was 77mil/ml times 3.5ml then his original count total was 269,500,000. (ie 269.5 mil). They spun it around so the bad swimmers fell to the bottom and skimmed the good fellas off the top.
It sounds like they ended up putting 0.6 ml back in you, which based on the post wash concentration 234mil/ml times 0.6 is 140 million sperm of which 43% was motile (140mil times .43 = 42 million swimming sperm). If I am wrong and it was .4ml put back in you then it's 93 million sperm at 43% motility which still equals 40 million swimmers.
Either way - that is an amazing post wash!"

I wanted to add those numbers in here at some point, because I will eventually forget them. That's one of the reasons I really like blogging about this journey. This site helps me remember what has happened day in and day out.

I will make you guys a promise. If this cycle gets a BFP, then I promise to tell you guys how we got those amazing numbers and swimmers this cycle. Trust me. It will make you chuckle.

A post about nothing

This post is literally about nothing.

I have nothing to report. No phantom symptoms. No weird boob growth problems. No veins popping out or stomach wanting to hurl up my favorite coffee shop sandwich.

I did have a headache yesterday, but I'm not imagining that. That witch was real.

I'm still not sure when I will test. I could test tomorrow. It's early and I've seen people get accurate results on 10 DPO but I've also seen others not get a BFP until a 12 DPO or later.

Plus, I have a 1 year olds birthday party to go to tomorrow. I don't want to be bummed out by a BFN. So I may wait??

I will at least test Monday, if there is no spotting. If I start spotting I won't test at all. I hate the double confirmation of "oh look you're bleeding yet still hope to get a BFP? Don't you feel stupid!"

Good news

Progesterone is 11.4!!!

Squeeeeee!!!! Yay for my expensive-rip-me-a-new-one medication.

In reality, my Femara isn't expensive compared to other IF meds, but I'm still miffed that I could have gotten it for A LOT LESS.

P4 test tomorrow

You would think that when I'm on night shift that I would have more free time to write a blog entry.

Nope. I suck when I'm on night shift. I basically sleep the entire time I'm not working 12 hours. By the end of the rotation, my house is a disaster and DH is rummaging for clean underwear. Luckily he knows how to take care of himself an is sweet enough to do his and my laundry so I don't have to go to work naked.

My mind isn't capable of thinking much right now, but I will be posting an entry soon for NAIW National Infertility Awareness Week. I just need more time to get it together.

Tomorrow is my P4 test. Remember, the goal is above 10, but I would love to see it higher than that.

I should know my results tomorrow afternoon. After that, it's another week of waiting. I will probably test earlier than that, somewhere around 12 dpo.

CD 15 / 2 DPO

Nothing new to report as far as TTC is concerned. I'm in the waiting period.

Right now, I'm waiting for 7DPO to get P4 tested. Hopefully I responded as well as last month to the 5 mg of Femara. After that it's another week to go in the 2WW.

Tonight begins another set of night shifts. With all the tragedies going on in the country in Boston and Texas, I will be honest and say that I'm not really looking forward to going back to work. It doesn't take more than a few minutes back at the console to forgot this feeling and get back in the groove again. Sometimes I think 7 day breaks are too long to be off from work.

Stay safe out there. Take care of yourselves.

IUI 1 DONE!

IUI 1 is complete!

According to Dr A, DHs counts were great. I believe he said it was 77 million, which further confirms DHs self proclaimed Super Sperm name.

The US revealed the collapsed area showing where I just ovulated. He said based on that, it looks like I O'ed this morning and in his words, "Our timing couldn't be better!"

In a moment of teaching he told the medical students that I had excellent mucous. One of them leaned over and said, "I bet you never thought you would like to hear that." Haha nope. She's right. It's the little things that make us IFers happy.

The procedure itself doesn't hurt but it is uncomfortable like a pap. Honestly the dildo cam US is more uncomfortable than this. But I think that's because Dr A has trouble finding my left ovary every time. He probes around in there waving the wand like he just doesn't care.

Dr. A to students: "I'm trying to find her ovary. What is that I am looking at?"

Student: "That's the upper part of the uterus."

Waves wand around inside me like he stirring soup...

Dr. A: "What's this that I am showing right now?"

Me: "That's either my lung or my heart that you've been digging around to find."

They think I'm funny. They laugh while I sit there trying not to fart because apparently your reproductive organs are somewhere near your intestines.

So now we wait. I go in for a progesterone level check next week to see if my O was strong like last month.

Let the 2WW begin!

From the waiting room...

Why oh why is the waiting room at the RE 43 degrees?

I seriously need a sweater.

I'm just waiting on the lab to test DHs man juice and hoping for good counts.

His SA was great with good counts but there's always the worry that it won't be that high again.

I need to ask what the cutoff point is for IUI. From what I've seen on TB some REs want at least 5 mil.

The nurse just came out and said we should be able to do the IUI in about 30 minutes so I'm going to go get a bite to eat since I was too nervous and forgot to eat lunch earlier.

CD 12. 1 day until IUI!

Squee!!1!1!1

I love getting a positive OPK. It's a small feeling of happiness that my body is doing what it should be doing, albeit with a little bit of medical help.

Tomorrow is my midcycle scan and probably my IUI. I've got to get DHs man juice and hide it in my bra to keep it warm while I transport it.

The timing should work out good so here comes the part of the month when I get my hopes up. I just hope they don't fall back down again.

We've been blessed this month by a family member offering to pay the IUI costs. It couldn't have come at a better month. The offer was uplifting and eased my financial worries. My main worry was that if this cycle doesn't result in a BFP then it would be more disappointing but they understand the odds and wanted to help anyways.

DH is already saying this is going to work. Some days I want to smack the optimism out of him but it's actually becoming a little contagious.

To the helpers,

I would be remiss if I didn't speak about my occupation today. As many of you know, I am proud to be a 911 dispatcher.

Yesterday started off as such a great day in our 911 center. I got called into work but I was happy to be there during the celebrations of National Public Safety Telecommunicators Week. Our boss is great and plans dinners with our 911 board, officers stop by to say thanks, and we have dress up days like it's high school homecoming all over again.

I love my job. It's challenging to deal with an incredible amount of stupid everyday but there are many calls when we know we're making a difference in someone life. We want those calls. We need those calls. It helps us know that what we do matters. It's our job security, but unfortunately that job security is sometimes the one thing you don't want.

I don't want the job security that comes from the attack in Boston yesterday. I don't want to know that there are terrorists out there that could attack us at any moment. I don't want to be the calm voice on the radio when my officers, firefighters and medics are screaming for more help. I shouldn't have to be in this position for that kind of tragedy.

But like the officers, firefighters and medics, we don't have that choice. There's not a second to delay when you answer that call. You don't know what's on the other end of that call. It could be a kid who wrecked his bike or it could be an explosion in the middle of an event with thousands of people. We have to give our best to each of these callers.

The officers, firefighters, medics and 911 didn't hesitate yesterday. You've seen the photos and videos. While most people were running away as fast as they could, these brave men and women ran towards the explosions. All without a seconds hesitation. The live footage was horrific to watch but also uplifting at the same time as rescue efforts happened immediately. Our training and incident disaster planning helps us to know what to do in these moments, and we will all say that the split second decision that you make falls back on your training. For us, it's all hands on consoles and when large scale incidents have happened here in our area, the off duty dispatchers are running as fast as possible to the communications center and incident command communications post to help.

But sometimes, it's more than training that we fall back on. Sometimes it's just second nature to run towards the injured. It's second nature to want to help. We do it because we're trained to do it. But we also do it because our bodies and souls are hard wired different than others. Our bodies would refuse to let us walk away.

To everyone involved with the Boston event, my thoughts are with you.

To the helpers, thank you.

Femara finished. CD 8

I finished my final dose of Femara last night. I was in bed, two seconds from happy dream land when I bolted out of bed to remember to take my last dose. Almost an oops!

Good news is that I haven't had hardly any problems with this cycle of Femara. No headaches. No depression. It's been nice. I actually forgot that I should expect the same symptoms because I've been so busy. When I took the last two pills I thought hey I didn't have any headaches this time. Score!

DH and I are enjoying some fire pit time and beer. It's a nice relaxing night here. Grab a drink and join us!

I pissed away $130.

First of all, let me tell you how much I freaking love The Bump. I want to punch ignorant newbies and stab some morons with spoons on occasion but the knowledgable women there have helped me tremendously.

They've saved my sanity some days and now thanks to Cara1024 and Shortie24, they're saving me $130 a month.

Cara posted about Clomid and Femara and in the midst of those replies, Shortie helps us by recommending Target or Costco for the saving Rx programs.

Instead of $140, the Femara at Target will cost me $10.75. If I could have hugged the pharmacist lady through the phone I would have. Unfortunately I've already spent the money for the pills this month but this will help for any upcoming months!!!

I asked why it's so much cheaper. Pharmacist girl said its their program to help those without insurance. I said I have insurance and I'm getting screwed because they ran it through insurance first and it got denied so I was paying the cash price. At Target they will sign me up for the savings program and not run it through insurance. She said its for people who have insurance too but it's intended to help save money. Well, duh?!? What smart people!!!

So anyways. Thanks Shortie and Cara. Without you guys I wouldn't have known what to ask!!!!

What's next?

Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. If I knew that it would take 10 more TI cycles, then I would do that. If I knew I would need IVF, then I would learn 100 ways to make Ramen noodles and save every penny. If I knew the exact means it would take to get the end result then I would do what needs to be done.

Life would be so much easier if we just knew the answer and could work towards it without all the other unanswered questions getting in the way.

I called Dr A and I have been granted my wish to move on to IUI. My feelings are so mixed about this that I don't know whether to feel excited or upset. DH isn't convinced that we need to take the next step into more extensive IF treatments.

His words were, "It's like stepping back to shoot a 3 pointer when a layup will win you the game."

While I understand his logic, he doesn't comprehend the other concerns of wasting money on Femara each month when the chance of success is slim. Right now, it's $140 each month for 5mg of Femara. The odds of conceiving with TI are low, some studies showing less than 5% while others show it around 10%.

With IUI, the chance of conception jumps to approximately 20% in some studies. Now, I know that each study is different and they're all different with what IF diagnosis they are studying, but the thing that worries me the most is that Endo can grow back.

My SIL is proof of this. She's had three laps done to remove stage 4 Endo. Dr A said right after my lap that my best chance will be within the first 6 months. So why would we use 5 of those 6 months doing TI when we could have a better chance with IUI?

My biggest issue is parting with more money. I just now paid off the lap surgery, which ate a big chunk out of our savings. I would like to get that to a better place again. I know that it's just money and I need to accept it, but in the back of my mind, I know how much we can afford to spend on IF and the financial burden of it is bothering me.

I need to just stop thinking about it and adding the costs up over and over again. I'm hoping that as time passes that I will stop worrying about it.

Here's the plan for this month: Femara 5 mg again. I responded well to it so were going to stick with what's working. My midcycle US will be on CD 13. I O'ed on CD 13 this cycle so if it lines up like the previous cycle then we will go ahead of do the IUI at the same appointment. I think DH is pretty nervous about doing his job at the doctors office. He wants to know if I can come in and help him. Lol. I'm not sure of the answer to this. We do live close enough that he could do it at home, but there's also the issue of him having to take off work to do it.

We will deal with it when that day comes, I guess.

The next step, which is kinda related, but not, is to tell my family that were not going to the beach with them. I'm 90% sure that we won't go for financial reasons. Even though mom is insisting that they will pay, I don't want her to. It's not her job to pay for my vacation. But I also don't want to feel guilted into going just because we will be the only ones not going on the family trip.

Happy tears. Sad tears.

In less than 24 hours my face went from happy to sad to crying to depressed to red, swollen and poofy eyed.

When my nephew was a baby, I had the privilege of babysitting him one day a week. One of the easiest ways to get him to stop crying was to run my hand up and down my face turning my frown to a smile saying "Happy face.... Sad face." I could play this trick for hours and he would laugh every time. As a toddler, he still laughs and now tells me to make a Happy Face, run his hand down my face, and then says, "Saaaaad face."

The journey through IF is one giant game of Happy Face/Sad Face while constantly putting on a happy face when all you feel is sad inside.

In the past 24 hours I went from not spotting and being very hopeful that I would get a BFP to spotting and a BFN.

I went home after night shift, saw the spotting and immediately went to my bottle of wine. I wanted to do everything perfect this cycle, from drinking a lake's worth of water, eating pineapple core, eating healthy, exercising to relax and no alcohol.

It didn't work. I broke the news to DH that AF was here and he is just as disappointed as me. He was also convinced that this was it. Our hopes were high.

Moments later, mom shared the news that my aunt and uncle are pregnant. They have dealt with at least one miscarriage and IF. In that moment, I learned it is possible to feel equal parts of happiness and sadness at the exact same time.

How is it that you can be so happy for someone, but not be able to hold back the tears of pain?

This weekend is going to be tough. Plans are already in place for my great uncles memorial gathering. My aunt and uncle will share their news with the rest of the extended family. While I am glad that my mom warned me, I'm not sure how I will be able to handle the informal get together/memorial service. In the back of my mind, I want to skip it. Right now, I can't fathom making it through with breaking down and crying. I know I could blame it on the memorial side of it, but how do I explain it when they make their announcement and everyone's excited and starts looking towards me and DH who are the only ones left without children?

The dreaded "when are you going to have a baby?" question always comes up. I've tried the non chalant answers and I've been down right rude before, but I've not come out about our IF struggles to our family besides my brother, sister in law, and parents. Tonight, I gave my mom permission to tell my aunt and uncle. I want them to know why I may not seem excited on the outside. How do you explain to someone that the excitement and happiness I feel is real, when tears are streaming down my cheeks and I can't make eye contact?

Anyways, enough sadness.

Dr A wants us to try Femara and TI for two more cycles. After some discussion with some smart expert ladies from TB, I'm going to discuss moving onto IUI this cycle. As Jschwind and Curlz pointed out, Endo can regrow. The best shot to get pregnant is within 6 months post Lap. We're already three months post Lap and I am tired of not being more proactive, especially since I feel like I'm up against more of a faster ticking clock with the Endo.

So there ya go. That's a shit ton of suck all in one post. If you made it through it then stick a smile on your face and give me an Internet hug. I could really use one right now. And a beer.

Six hours later

Six hours is all it took after my last post for my body to do what it always does.

Spotting. Eff it all.

FYI, 6:20 am is a perfectly acceptable time to host a pity party, guest list of 1. Wine provided.

I will be stocking up for my CD 1 survival kit. The kit will includes lots of beer. And maybe some fattening food.

Eff you IF. I hate you and the flucking bloody train you ride in on.

12 DPO

I'm going to sound like a know-it-all-newbie right now when I say I always spot on 12 DPO.

Well, guess what? No spotting. Nada. Not one tiny bit.

Guess what else? BFN.

Ugh. I know it could be too early, but come on. We all know that 12 DPO isn't considered unreasonably early to turn a test positive. So of course my mind is saying that the BFN is correct.

I'm trying to keep my hopes up and not seeing any spotting has helped but I know that my cycle can change at any time and maybe I won't have spotting at all this month before AF.

Thanks to months of hoarding wondfo pee sticks, I will probably pee on another one tomorrow. God knows that I have plenty. I've peed on more today and yesterday than I have in the past 6 months.

From the toilet...

I get the same feeling everytime I get an email from my insurance company. Or a letter from the hospital. Or a bill from my RE arrives.
It's like a special blend of "How fast can my stomach contents be thrown up or shat out?" My mind always goes to the worst case scenario. As insane as it sounds, I've gotten used to receiving $20,000 bills in the mail from the hospital.
So when a hospital insurance rep called me recently, it was a good thing I was already sitting on the toilet because I would have soiled myself when she told me the most recent news. (Apparently, I like to sit on the toilet when I speak to people I hate. I also conduct a lot of internet research and important tasks on the toilet.)
The rep whose name rhymes with Valvoline said that insurance and the hospital had FINALLY come to an agreement and insurance was covering the portion that they were originally supposed to cover.
THANK YOU BABY JESUS!
And because Valvoline was actually a fantastic rep and wonderful human being she explained to me that if the hospital and insurance had been able to remove their heads from their asses faster than more than 3 MONTHS after my surgery, then I would have been eligible for a 20 percent discount before March 1. Luckily, I had spoken to Valvoline on Feb. 28 and learned of this discount option. I told her that I could pay it in full if they would ever give me a correct total. So, the wonderul chick went to her supervisor and had them override it.
So, not only did I finally get the 80 percent covered by insurance, which left me with a $1,800 bill, but I was able to get almost $400 discount by paying it in full. Woohooo!!!!
At this point, I still owe my RE, the guy who put me to sleep and some outstanding RE bills. But at least I finally have a total for everything now.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get off the toilet.

P4 update

Wonder Woman Mary called me back.

My progesterone on 6 DPO was 11.4!!!!

I had to get it drawn a day early because of my work schedule so she said it could have been a little higher on 7 DPO. Dr A wanted it above 10, so we were both happy with this number.

Because of this, he's happy with the way my body is responding to 5mg of Femara. If I don't get a BFP, then we will continue Femara and TI for two more months before talking about IUI.

I am choosing not to think about that though, because today I am actually very hopeful for this cycle. I know I'm setting myself up for a bigger fall if AF shows, but for now, I'm hanging onto hope.

I suck.

I'm sucking lately at this blogging thing. I'm exhausted from work and keep thinking that I will post something "later" and then later never comes.

I meant to post my P4 results before now but Dr A hasn't called with them yet. I just left a message so hopefully I will post the number later.

Anyshat, I deleted two FB friends this morning. One posted she was pregnant as an April Fools joke. The other posted a pic of the Louisville players leg injury, which is just poor taste when people are scrolling and not prepared to see that shat.