You know?

You know all those things you've always wanted to do?

You should go do them!

Magical. That's what three days away from reality feels like. DH and I went to a touristy town for some R&R. Add in some shopping, eating, drinking, snow, wind and freezing temps and you have the recipe for a great time.

Our hotel room had a jacuzzi tub In.The.Room. Smack dab in the middle of the room. Not the bathroom. It was in the main room. Tub is here and king size bed was right here -> <- data-blogger-escaped-br="">
You could literally jump from the tub onto the bed. Which we did. There was a concern that if you rolled off the bed you could drown in the tub.

We visited the moonshine factory and several wineries and saw some live music while we walked around in the cold for hours. Christmas lights are everywhere at every single business or square inch of grass. And as many Christmas lights there are, there is equally the same number of pancake eateries. At one point I counted 38 pancake places within 8 miles. That's a whole lot of freaking pancakes.

The theme of the whole vacation was "Don't ruin Christmas!"
DH wanted to go to Walmart with 40,000 other people on the Saturday before Xmas. Obviously I would have rather poked my eyes out with a pencil. Instead my response to everything was "Don't ruin Christmas."

He ate my cookie. "Don't ruin Christmas!"

I gave him wrong directions. Him: "Don't ruin Christmas."

Him: "how about a BJ?"
Me: "no."
Him: "Don't ruin Christmas!"

Long story short, we had a great time. I found some Duck Dynasty stuff. We bought lots of UK stuff on sale at Lids. And I tasted my lifetime desire of moonshine. Real and watered down low proof kind.

 

Merry Christmas y'all!

She' dreaming of sugar cookies and little short people she can kiss. More to come later about our mini vacation, but for now, I wish y'all a Merry Christmas.

Up. Down. Up. Down again.

I'm in a holding pattern right now. Waiting for the Lap. Waiting to TTC again. Waiting for vacation. Waiting for Christmas.

The waiting is brutal. One minute I'm happy. The next I'm depressed. I can barely even look at TB right now. I fully admit to being one of those jealous people now. I see a BFP post and my gut clenches. It's a strange feeling to be happy for that person yet broken at the same time. I know their success doesn't take away from mine. And I truly want these girls to succeed. It's not that I don't want them to be pregnant it's just that my first thought is when will it be my turn.

Because of this, I've stepped away for a bit. I lurk and comment on a couple posts but for the most part I skim the subject and move on. I hope this feeling passes soon. I know it's not the right reaction but its not like I can help it. There's no way to stop the constant nagging of "She did it. Why can't I?"

We're going out of town this weekend. Parents are keeping the dogs. We've never left Bella before so I hope she does OK. I sincerely hope this trip can take my mind off things and help us relax before my Lap next month.

Happy happy happy

Nurse Mary called with with my AMH levels and said my 3.7 was a great number.

Next step is Lap surgery. It's tentatively scheduled for January 10. I should be in the middle of my next cycle. Hopefully I will be recovered enough to resume TTC for the following cycle.

Nothing else to report. I'm staying away from TB for a while. I visit and scan for BFPs and major posts but otherwise I feel the need for a break. I think it has helped. My mind isn't on TTC right now. I stopped charting and until I just checked the chart a few minutes ago I had no idea where I was in my cycle.

Poppy cock!!!

Back story: my former boss has several felony charges facing him. One of which is being tried in court right now. Until today, I was not connected to the trial at all and all things happened previous to me working there.

Then today the shat hitteth the fans. I woke up after my night shift nap to learn that the douche nozzle testified today and in that testimony he somehow connected me to the case through some work I did as a volunteer for a national agency. Are you following this yet? It's not like I'm not being as vague as your crazy high school BFFs Facebook post or anything?

Anydouche, I am pissed. He's discredited the agency and the volunteers with his testimony and the best part is IT'S ALL LIES!!! I love a good liar. They make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside while my blood pressure goes to stroke level and I imagine ways to kill the lying son of the devil.

Problem is the state and defense both have rested their cases. The district attorney is going to speak to the judge about opening it back up for more evidence but at the moment it looks like I will be testifying in a other trial for perjury. I really wish that when people lie that their pants really did catch on fire.

Moonshine and squirrels

Slowly but surely, we're coming out. If I'm going to have to be put to sleep in January, I figured I better tell my immediate family.

I told my mom after my first RE appointment because he wanted my family history. Yesterday, I told my sister in law so she could also tell my brother. They have two small children, 2 yo and 18 month old, and I was scheduled to help her babysit them and two of her sisters kids at the end of the month. However, DH went and finally got me one thing that I actually asked for and booked a hotel room for a mini vacation the weekend before Christmas. Smack dab on the day I was to help with four kids until 3 years old.

This IF shat has thrown me for a loop. Up and down on this never ending ride is making me crazy. I deal with other people's stress everyday. Because of this I always thought I was great at handling a rhinoceros size turd of problems. Turns out I am good at dealing with other people's poop but not my own.

Anyways, because of this DH was wise enough to say lets take a mini vaca and head to a super cheesy tourist town with billions of Christmas lights. We're going to look at the lights, visit a moonshine factory, do a little ice skating, mingle with the crazy frantic shoppers and then have some sex just for funsies. He got a hotel room with a fire place and jacuzzi tub. I can already promise him he will get lucky.

SIL was very understanding when I told her about the upcoming procedures and past struggles so she was OK with me bailing on a day of terror, I mean fun.

I'm going to let DH at least tell his mom and dad that I have a cyst that needs to be removed. They're pretty nosey and I'm afraid if they find out we're TTC the questions will be endless.

Other than that I'm really looking forward to this trip and its taken my mind off everything at least for a few minutes at a time.

See this squirrel? It made me pee a little.

Interviewing FAIL

We're hiring some new full time minions here at hell, I mean 911. By the grace of a humorous God, I am on the interview board and let me just say that America is in a shat load of trouble if these people are the ones who are responsible for your life and death.

A few of the gems from yesterday:

Q: Tell us a little about yourself.
A: I'm not that interesting.
-------------

Q: What are some of your strengths?
A: Counting, money, talking to people...
(Same person)
Q: What are some of your weaknesses?
A: Math
-------------

Q: What kind of people do you like/dislike?
A: I like everyone. I don't like rude people but I can deal with them. Handicap people. But I can deal with them too.

(Sidenote: our score sheets ranged from a possible score of 1-5. This genius got two different scores of ZERO from me.)
-------------

Q: Are you a punctual person?
A: Yes I always arrive 15 minutes early. I hate being late.
Q: What time did you get here today?
A: I was 5 minutes late.
------------

"I am good at computers and listening to multiple voices in my head."

------------

My all time favorite interview moment was years ago when I was a news editor for a newspaper. Mr. College Grad Interviewee was talking about the speed in which he edits his stories.

"I'm different from other writers. I can't let go of a story. I edit and read it over and over and over and over. It's like mental masturbation."

Amazingly, we hired him anyways.

Because I have nothing else better to post...

Did someone say Santa Claus is coming?!?!?!

I've sat at work for 11 hours thinking about blogging something. Anything at all. Words. Words. Words.

Not a frickity fracking thing is staying in my head long enough to coherently put words together. The train keeps chugging towards me with whistles blowing and then just totally runs past the station.

I know what the problem is. I'm numb to it all right now. I don't think there's a single minute that goes by that I don't think about something IF, baby, or pregnancy related. At the current moment, I'm mulling over the Lap and all that it entails. Dr. A's office is calling to get insurance pre-approval. But I got hit with a shit ton of bricks last week when I realized my deductible will be $1,600 plus the 20% that insurance won't cover.

Sidenote: my weekly menu now includes a lot of Ramen noodles. Also, Dear Santa, I want cash. I've been good. Love, Me.

I dream of...

Biting people.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

I hate making decisions. I'm terrible at it. I stood in TJMaxx for 30 minutes staring at phone covers. It's a $7 decision and I couldn't pick a stupid plastic cover for the life of me.

What's crazy though is that as a 911 dispatcher we make split-second life-saving decisions. Second guessing ourselves can kill someone. I'm good at my job. Making a job related choice is as simple as breathing. It's second nature.

Deciding where to eat lunch is another story. It's a thousand wonders we don't starve to death each day.

Anyshat, back to my point of this rambling post, I still don't know what to do about my infertility treatment options. I'm leaning towards the Lap. I talked to a friend who had it done and has since had two beautiful babies. Hearing her personal story helped me feel not so scared.

I would love to hear some encouraging stories that hold my hand and blow rainbows and sunshine up my butt and tell me that I shouldn't freak out and the surgery isn't that bad.

On that note, I have yet to venture over to the Trouble TTC board of the bump. I'm active on the TTGP board but I've yet to introduce myself to the 3T board. Through lurking over there, I've learned a whole shat ton of information but that's also what scares me about coming out to those awesome ladies. I feel like such a newbie again as I'm constantly searching the 3T boards posts for knowledge.

To sum up this whole blabbering pointless post, I would like to confess that I am a giant vagina. I'm scared of the surgery. I'm scared of feeling like a dumb hick on 3T. And while I'm admitting things, I may as well tell you I am afraid of the dark.

I'm one giant gaping vadge. Vajayjay. Pussy. (DH says that I say pussy weird. He claims I say it like "poosy"). So I guess I am a Poosy too.

No where near a diagnosis

I am no closer to a diagnosis.
There's good news and bad news. And then some extra special WTF news.
Good news: I'm ovulating.
Bad news: My FSH levels are kinda off the mark. I need AMH tested. I likely have endometriosis. But of course the only way to diagnose that is with a HSG or Lap.
Here's the extra special WTF news with what was said and (what I'm really thinking).
Dr A: ::playing with the dick wad camera in my vadge:: "Your ovaries look great. You're ovulating. That's good. You're uterus looks great. ::Long pause::

(Long pauses are never good)

Dr A: I don't know what this is. ::takes his ever loving precious time staring at a black and white mass on the screen.:::
It looks like a cyst. Maybe a peritubular cyst.

Me: ok. (What the what?)

At this point my mind went as fuzzy as the ultrasound screen as I stared at this cyst that sits smack dab in the middle of my ovaries. (Kindergarten cop voice: is it a tumor?????)
Here's the problem (on top of the other problems) the cyst can't be properly diagnosed without doing a Lap. The laparoscopic procedure would also confirm and treat the Endo, if in fact that's where the problem is.

Option 1: Do nothing. Keep having sex and wish for the best.

Option 2: HSG and if it shows Endo then have the Lap anyways.

Option 3: Lap and take care of the Endo if it's there and also find out what the hell the cyst is.

One minute I think surgery is the option. The next minute I think I want option 1. It's the easiest option. It's also the one with the smallest chance of a BFP.

I'm at least going to get Dr As office to get surgery pre-approval from my insurance. I need to see what my deductible is.

You guys, I'm scared. The worst thing that's ever happened to me personally is a broken toe. This is put-you-to-sleep-and-sell-your-kidney-on-Craigslist-surgery.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm kind of a big vagina when it comes to someone sticking tools where they shouldn't be inside my body. Sex toys are one thing but by god you better not come near me with that weird back assward nut cracker speculum you have in your hand. You know what bothers me most ... It's not the surgical tools, it's the tube down my throat. I'm all for deepthroating things but not tubes. Thats beyond my safe zone.

Speaking of safe zones, I texted the police chief about work related matters today and accidentally sent "laterz" instead of talk to you "later". He replied I've been reading too much Fifty Shades of Grey. At first I was embarrassed until I realized he had to have read it too. I'm saving that nugget of knowledge for blackmail.

Boogity! Boogity! Boogity!

After dissecting the schedule, Dr. A's secretary got me in today at 3:30. Woohoo!
It's amazing to go to a Dr that works their tails off to help the patients. It makes me warm and fuzzy inside.
Squee!!!
I just hope my excitement isn't killed this afternoon when I hear my test results.
If things go bad, I already have plans to go to Mellow Mushroom tonight for $1 drinks and pizza slices!

I knew it wouldn't be this easy.

The holiday not only screwed up my waist line but its frocked up my cycle this month. CD 1 was Thursday. Theoretically I was supposed to call on CD 1 and schedule an appointment for CD 3-5 to have my first date with Mr. Dildo Cam and speak to Dr. A about our options.
However Thursday was day 1 and the office is closed until Monday which will be CD 5, meaning if they can't get me in on Monday then... Uh wait I don't know what it means. I don't know if I can go in on day 6 or if it has to be on 3-5. Does that mean I'm not going to get intimate with Mr. Cam until next month?
It could mean nothing or it could mean everything. What I find odd about the whole thing is that I called the answering service and she was no help. I'm new to this whole RE and infertility thing but what the heck is the point of the answering service if you can't answer a question or schedule an appointment?

Tehehehehe

Because laughter is the best medicine for CD 1 and cramps...

Meanwhile, I'm here at work on Thanksgiving and am in the middle of a food coma. Happy National Leftovers Day!

Never thought I would be wishing for AF

I never thought I would be wishing for AF to show. I've been spotting for two days and now I need AF to show so I can call Dr A's office today and schedule my CD 3-5 exam and dildo cam date. Noooooow that its late to show I'm going to have to wait until Friday or Monday to try to squeeze into an appointment. In other news, it's been a good day at work. Our Christmas bonus is triple what we were expecting! Woohoo!!!

And just because I <3 (balls) Blake Shelton...

Bad day

You guys. Bad day, you guys. Real bad day at work.

Medical 911 calls don't bother me much. Don't get me wrong, I feel empathy for the patient and the family but in my line of work we have to move on from one call to the next. We can't let a previous call affect the next. But you guys, this one will stick with me. I can't go into details but a child died. It was senseless. The person responsible will likely be charged. But all I keep thinking of is that poor child shouldn't have died because of a careless bag of shit taking care of it.

There are so many of us out there that would be amazing parents. Sometimes it's just not fair.

SA results

Before I forget these results or screw them up from reading my chicken scratch,here's DH's SA results.

Volume 5 mL

Count 122 mL (goal is 20 mL)

Moving 80% (goal is 50% moving)

Motility 488 mL (goal is 20mL)

Morphology 26% normal (goal is 30%)

Dr. A said his only concern was the morphology and he called it "borderline. with little significance". He said since the count and volume was so high then it shouldn't affect it.

12 DPO spotting.

The end to another cycle is near. I can't even put into words how disappointed I am. It's a combination of another BFN and knowing that the testing with my RE is one step closer. DH had his SA Friday and the results were "good," so sayeth the nurse. She called Friday afternoon and left me a voicemail but couldn't release the specific numbers. She did say Dr. A will call me today.

And that's when the Peterbilt 18-wheeler loaded with a shat ton load of bricks hit me... The infertility is my fault. I marinated in that mental crap storm all weekend.

Don't get me wrong. I didn't want the fault to lie with DH, it's just that the reality of it smacked me in the face on Friday. I hadn't even considered pinning it to one of us.

Remember when I said I hadn't cried during any of these months TTC? I lost my crying virginity on Friday. DH had an unrelated argument which didn't help. On top of that, we had family at our house or were at other family member's houses so I couldn't even tell DH how I'm feeling.

Sidenote: Eff you 11DPO and your high temp. You gave me hope for this month and I hate you.

Anyshat, the next few days will go something like this. I will spot until hopefully Wednesday. I have to call Dr. A's office then (CD1) and make an appointment for CD 3-5 ultrasound. The only way for this schedule to work around the tastiest holiday of the year is if CD 1 is Wednesday. At that appointment, we will finally get the results of my BW and set a game plan.

Until then, it's day 1 of hell, I mean dayshift. I already feel homicidal towards everyone so today's bound to be amazing.

CD 20 // 8 DPO

I hate this time of the month. One minute, I'm hopeful. The next, I'm sure that I'm not pregnant.

I think to myself that I need to stop thinking about TTC. Then I think about happy thoughts like the beach. The water. The sand. How my family wants to go to the beach next summer. How if I get pregnant now, we could have a baby before the beach trip. Oh crap. Now my thought train derailed and went back to baby town.

I compare this month to other months. Am I cramping? Do I have any symptoms? Nope. Nada. None.

TTC is such a mind screw. There really is no way to relax. You can't just stop thinking about it. What's worse is that I think I'm getting worse as the months drag on. The first couple months were obsessive. The middle months, though, I was enjoying the time and was hopeful each month. Oddly enough, I haven't cried any. I'm upset and getting angrier each month but I still haven't cried. I don't know why since I'm an emotional crier.

It would be so nice if I didn't have to deal with the testing and could get lucky enough to be pregnant this month.

Until then I think I'm going to unplug this weekend and try to live a little.

Funny face

Just for shats and giggles...

Gah this month is dragging by slow...

The months of TTC go by slow anyways, but all of this waiting for the next test or next blood draw is worse than the 2WW.

One bright side of ovulating early this month is that a few days were cut out of the wait. I called Dr. A's office today to figure out when I needed to have the CD21 BW. Under the original orders, I would have had the BW on Nov. 19 which would have put me around 12DPO, wayyyyyy too late for the test to determine accurate progesterone levels. From what I have learned, the CD21 test should correctly be termed the 7DPO test since many women don't O on CD14. Only someone O'ing on CD14 would get accurate results from testing on CD21. Since I O'ed early on CD12, my BW orders would have been inaccurate.

Dr. A's mini student Dr. Mary called me back and said to go on my correct 7DPO, which is Wednesday. Yay for his office actually being educated and correct about all of this. I was afraid that they would say "stick with what Dr. A told you."

Instead her answer was, "Make an executive decision for yourself. You've educated yourself on the testing protocol and you're correct, it needs to be taken 7DPO."

I live in a great place. We have a medical school at our city's university and my fertility clinic uses nursing students and medical school students. I feel that it's a great opportunity for the students to learn by helping with the care of people in different fields of study so I am 100% in favor of having student docs involved with my care and treatment, not only with my fertility but in other healthcare areas.

I met Mini Dr. Mary at my first appointment and I immediately liked her. I have a little girl crush on her perrrttty curly hair. Plus, she can't weigh more than 110 pounds. I'm pretty sure her lab coat and stethoscope take up about 5% of her weight. I just want to pick her up and put her in my pocket.

The only downside is that I work 12 hr night shift the night before my BW. And DH's SA is scheduled for Friday. I will have to stay up past 6 am to go get the blood drawn and then hold his hand as he does what he does for the SA. He wants me to go with him to deliver it to the clinic but by that point, I will be dead on my feet.

(Here is where I was going to look up some meaningful quote about "waiting" and my search came up with this gem.)

A. Freaking. Cupcake. ATM!! I could die happy if there was one of these nearby.

CD 15 - 3DPO

There's a special time right after O that I allow my mind to wander. I allow it to think "what if." I allow it to think this may be it.

Simply put, I allow myself to hope.

It's a nice warm fuzzy feeling knowing that I've done what needs to be done at this point. All I need to do is sit back and wait. Wait for symptoms. Wait for tests. Wait for something to be different this month.

While we only hit 2-O and O, I still feel pretty good about it. Thanks to early O, we didn't get to have sex as much as I wanted in the FW but at least we didn't miss our shot completely. By the way, WTF ovaries? What's up with the early O this month? Because of you and your premature ovulation, my BW schedule is screwed up.

Here I sit at work with 12 hours of time to kill on pinterest and warm fuzzies of hope feeding my pinning mania. Have a good weekend. I'm off to Pin.All.The.Things!!!!

The many faces of TTC

We ladies love to pee on things. I hate seeing a BFN so I indulge my love of peeing on sticks to OPKs. BUT, I am also a cheapskate so I don't start testing OPKs til CD 10ish. I was sick on that day from a migraine and the last thing I was thinking about when I was hugging Mr. Toilet was ovulating.

The first time I used an OPK was CD 11 and when it was positive, I was all SQUEEE! I'm ovulating!!! ::happyface::




My average O date is CD 16, sometimes as late as 18, but never before CD 15. You can imagine my surprise when yesterday I got a +OPK.

Wait?? What??

CD 12?!?!?



That means we didn't have sex leading up to O. Crappity. Crap. Crap. Basically, the one thing you have to do when TTC is have sex and we didn't even do that right!

Luckily, since I had the +OPK, we can at least catch O day. It may not be the best odds in the world but it only takes once, right?

I leave you with this amazeballs pic to make you have a happy face.

I've heard it all. Well, almost.

Disclaimer: I am a 911 dispatcher. All of the stories that I tell are based on true events that have happened to me or someone else in emergency services. My anecdotal stories are told purely for comic relief and will not be told in a way to identify the caller or and personal information.


As an emergency services worker, I can honestly say that I've heard everything. Well, *almost* everything. I stress *almost* because one day a caller will say something new that will make me pee a little. All I can say is that one word in a 911 call can change the call's tone to slap-your-knee-funny in less than a second. Pay attention to detail people.

Some of my favorites so far include:

911: Where is your emergency?
Caller: My girlfriend. My wife. My ex wife. Hell, my baby's mama is driving ironically.

911: Where is your emergency?
C: My wife needs to go to the ER to be evaginated. Can a squad come get her to be evaginated?
911: Sir, I'm not sure what you mean by evaginated, but yes, I am sure they will do their best.

911: Where is your emergency?
C: Help. My wife is dishorniated.
(I think he meant disoriented. But, he kept saying dishorniated, so I like to imagine that his wife was horny to the point of disorientation. Come on, we've all been there before. Have a few drinks and any male with a penis can make the best of us dishorniated.)

Caller refuses to say where he is located and even though the call could be traced, he couldn't provide a reason for calling 911. Apparently, alcohol makes people want to talk. The following was this man's example of verbal diarrhea.
911: Do you have an emergency?
C: Yes.
911: What's your emergency?
C: Are you mad at me?
911: No. Do you need help?
C: You want to come party with me?
911: Sure. Where's the party?
C: It's at 555 Main Street.
911: OK. Thanks for the invitation. My friends are coming right over.
C: OK. I love you. Bye.
(This gentleman was advised the consequences of 911 abuse when the friends with handcuffs and guns showed up.)

The non-plan Plan.

There is no plan. Yet.

B/W and other newbie tests will be done during this month's cycle. Dr. A suggested that I may have endo. I'm not sure how much I agree with this since I don't have an abnormal amount of pain during AF. There's a few symptoms that match up, but hello fuzzies, who doesn't have cramps, constipation or diarrhea,frequent urination and trouble sleeping?

That's just normal life,right? And of course I have trouble sleeping. A 12 hour swing shift has that affect on anyone.

So for now, we're continuing on with temping and OPKs and waiting for DH to get his SA done. His work hours don't mesh with Dr A's office hours so he will have to take a couple hours off work to jerk off. I still think I got the crap end of this deal. I get blood draws and ultrasounds while he gets a day off to jerk off.

Let's get personal

I love photography, my dogs, and like every other sane person, I have an unhealthy love of Nutella. But you should know I am attracted to Duck Dynasty like a moth to a flame. If you haven't seen the show, do it. You will thank me later. Its absolutely one of the funniest shows ever.

Spotty McSpotterson CD 7

There's a weird phenomenon when you're TTC where you pay so much attention to your body that you think everything is related to TTC.
Got cramps? It's ovulation, implantation or you're PREGNANT.
EWCM? It's fertile window, perfect CM, CM during the 2WW or you're PREGNANT.
Sore throat? It's the flu, a cold or you're PREGNANT.
Spotting? Your period is coming. Implantation bleeding. Or you're PREGNANT.

Basically, the whole process is a giant mind rape. The first month or two you think every. single. twinge. is a pregnancy symptom. Then you calm down, relax a bit and stop letting the 2WW screw you mentally.

Now that I am here in month 11, I am back to judging my body as it relates to TTC. Ooooh, was that a stomach pain? Did my uterine lining just get thicker? Or do I need to take a poo? Ahhhh, the insanity of it all.

Anywho, I am spotting. I have no idea why. None of my other cycles have had spotting last this long. If I count the three days before AF came last, I have been spotting for 7 days now before and after AF. It's not a big deal, but it's one of those things that I am now aware of and my mind is hopped up on meth and is screaming, "Is it a sign of Endo?" "Is it ever going to stop?" Is it cancer?" "Is it just me making it seem like it is worse than it really is?" Yes -- to the last question.

It's night shift time again for 4 nights, so posts might be sporadic. Kinda like my spotting. 

Fangs protruded out of her mouth as she inched closer to me. Evil eyes looked at me and assured me, "It won't hurt at all."
Blood poured out of me at a rate so fast that I thought she would quickly drain my body's supply in record time.




"All done!" She open mouth grinned and her plastic fangs fell out.

She was right. It didn't hurt a bit. CD 3-5 bloodwork complete. Happy Halloween.

Oh, and by the way, Miss Lab Blood Work Lady, your vampire costume was priceless.

Today the road split...

Today, the road split. In one direction, I saw 90 percent of people that I was walking away from. I officially became part of the 10 percent to walk down the road that is less traveled. As I type this I am stuck on this next sentence. I need to write the word. I need to say the word. I need to say it out loud or on paper or tell the interwebs in order to make it real. But I still can't. I am still in denial. It's easier to pretend that we're not dealing with infertility. There I said it.

Today was my first appointment with a fertility specialist, a Reproductive Endocrinologist. As the 10th month of TTC came and went with a BFN, I called the office to see if I needed a referral from an OBGYN, which would have taken me a couple more months to secure an appointment and then a referral. Ironically, it's easier to get in to see an RE than it is to see an OBGYN. I'm not typically a type A person but I wanted to be prepared for that dreaded one-year mark that sends people spiralling from happily trying to get pregnant to infertility and testing and needles and dildo cameras. It turns out that I spoke with the RE's wife, and nurse, who quizzed me beyong the basic receptionist questions. Basically the short version is that we've been actively humping like bunnies since the beginning of 2012, plus a few months in 2011 where we weren't actively trying but were'nt avoiding. During that time we were delayed another couple months because of a job/insurance change. We haven't used birth control or protection for close to 3 years. Now while we possibly have missed our fertile window a lot of those first months, it's highly likely that I have ovulated each month. Temping and charting shows that if there is one thing my body is doing right, it is timely ovulation. Keep that I mind though. There's a quiz later.

Blood work for newbies begins next week. I even brought DH a present home and encouraged him to masturbate. For some reason, he's getting the better end of this. I get poked, prodded and lose my dildo cam virginity and he gets to jerk off in a cup.

Anyballs, I became a statistic as soon as I walked into the RE's office. I just don't know yet if I will be ones of those successful statistics that graduates with a baby or ... ah eff ... I'm not even going to think of the alternative.