The moment when...

The moment when your hair stylist asks if you're there just for a trim.

::pause::

"No. Cut it."

I lost about six inches of hair today. Squeeeeee. It's been years since I've had it this short.

DH doesn't know yet. Uhmmmmm ... SURPRISE!!!

(Example pic below)

Insurance update!

You guys! You guys!

Guess what? Insurance realized it had a case of cranial rectal inversion and finally removed its head from its ass. They're covering my Lap surgery!

I think.

I'm going to call them later to confirm but I just received another EOB which says that they covered the Lap and Dr A's bill. So as long as they don't change their minds again, I think everything's going to be OK.

I can't thank you all enough for all the words of encouragement, e-Hugs and kind thoughts. You helped keep my spirits up when I was very, very low.

TTC news: Today is probably O day. I'm not feeling great about our timing this month. I've been on night shifts and either DH isn't home when I leave or we have to have really early morning sex, which means I have to wake him up when I get home from work. If today is O, then we only have hit 3-O and 1-O. He leaves for work right after I get home this morning. If he makes it home from work before I leave then we may have another chance. It would make me feel better about our timing if we could.

CD 11 Ultrasound

Thank goodness my perpetual state of sadness has lifted. I'm finally starting to feel better about this cycle.

Today I went in for my mid cycle US. It was CD 11 after taking Femara 2.5 mg on CD 3-7. I really think the moodiness and sadness was a side effect of the Femara. I had some headaches and general irritability but nothing as bad as the level of blah that I felt. It was like when I got the bottom of my sadness, then I realized there was a freakin underground garage and seven more layers of sadness below. I'm glad I was able to see some light at the end of the tunnel and start feeling better. I was getting kinda worried about myself.

My US went well. Dr A said I have a 18 mm follie on my left and there was a smaller one on my right. He didn't tell me the measurement on it but said it's a few days behind the other. He said I will likely O with the left on Sunday or Monday. My lining looked good and there were no cysts.

As good as that news was to hear, the best part of my appointment came before that, moments after I shucked my pants and waited for the dildo cam. I was expecting Dr A to come in with one nurse to do the US. Instead, he comes in and immediately says you're the one with the insurance problem, right? I said yes. All of a sudden three others are in there telling me not to worry and that they will take care of it. Dr A said they would wait until insurance finalizes this current review and then he and Wonder Woman Mary would speak to them and request a peer to peer review with Dr A to the insurance. He said this had never happened before and he was completely baffled as to why they would deny a surgery as medically unnecessary especially when Endo and a cyst were removed.

I swear if I hadn't been sans pants I would have hugged them all.

Taking the bad with the good

Sometimes I'm glad that there's a mute button on my 911 phone so the caller can't hear me repeatedly hitting my head against my desk.

I'm serious. You have no idea how many calls I take completely with my head laying on the desk.

I figure that if I can't reach through the phone and smack them then I will just beat my head until I feel better.

It's true in every 911 center that the dispatcher who has a personal connection to a certain disease, medical issue or what have you will be the one who ALWAYS gets that certain call. One of my partners has diabetic family members and she always gets the diabetic emergencies. Others get all the cardiac cases. Same thing with strokes.

Me? I get all the pregnant women. Or childbirth.

Nothing pokes at my infertility deeper than a 19 year old in labor with her second child. Nothing pisses me off more than that little ignorant twat who can't keep her legs together screaming in the background to get the ambulance there NOW because she's had Two Contractions! And to add further insult, her first child was taken away from her.

It's not all bad though. I'm still looking forward to the day when I can help deliver a baby via 911. It's a rare thing for a dispatcher. EMS is usually close enough to people nowadays that they make it before the baby comes. EMS usually gets to catch the baby a lot more times than 911 ever gets to help instruct a delivery.

One day I will tell you guys about the hardest call I ever answered. Today, it's still too raw. Even though it happened three years ago, today is the birthday and unfortunately the day that a tiny precious baby didn't live but a few sweet hours. It's the saddest, yet most heart squeezing call that I've ever had the privilege to be a part of.

One day I will share it. Today, I'm just going to lay my head on my desk and try to remember that even though some calls are painful to take, that good things can come from them.

Tiny sliver of silver lining

Wonder Woman Mary is hopefully going to live up to her name. I swear if she gets this figured out I will take the entire office cupcakes! Heck, I may even name my child after her or at least nickname her Wonder Woman.

WW called me back today and oh man is she pissed.

"I take this personally," she said. "You girls are my responsibility. You have enough to deal with to have to deal with this too."

Seriously WW I've cried enough lately, but your caring and support has been above and beyond.

As of right now, we still don't have it figured out. She spoke to insurance today who said the claim is under review. Her advice is to wait to call back when the review is final. At that point, she will speak to a provider rep and find out the billed codes and other insurance mumbo jumbo. If needed Dr A will send a letter explaining the medical necessity.

What brightened my spirits more than anything else was that WW said this has never been denied before. She said they have problems with insurance all the time but it always gets worked out in one way or another. But, even she said that this situation was ridiculous and has never had insurance ultimately deny a Lap where Endo and a cyst were actually found and removed.

Fingers crossed that she is right!

The day I had a meltdown at Target

I watched mom after mom stroll their baby into Target. Diaper bags hanging. Babies sleeping snuggly in their comfy carriers.

One by one they crossed my path, each looking away quickly when they realized they were staring into my tear filled eyes. None of them knew that at that moment I wished to be one of them so badly.

Moment before while trying to eat half of a Zaxbys salad with my Mom, I finally got connected to an insurance rep following a long waiting period. I walked outside and learned from the rep that insurance was denying my Lap surgery from January 10.

Why? I can't even tell you because I don't know. The rep couldn't tell me either. She said it was sent in as an unlisted procedure which insurance deemed medically unnecessary. I tried to reason with her. I tried to explain Endo and the cyst. She was polite, as polite as she was trained to be. Not overly helpful, but at least she wasn't rude like the last rep I spoke to.

The claim is being reviewed. Again. I've called my REs office Wonder Woman Mary. Again. She's on my side and is willing to go to bat for me and speak to insurance.

I'm out of tears. If we have to pay this $9,000 surgery plus nearly $2,000 in dr bills it will eat up our savings. TTC will be put on hold indefinitely. I'm out of hope. With each fallen tear, I've lost hope that this will all turn out fine.

I've been in the dumps lately anyways. This was the final straw that broke me. I can't even count how many times I cried yesterday. When I would think "I'm all out of tears" they would start welling up again. At one point DH thought I had finally fallen asleep on the couch but quickly realized that I was crying. Again. He's been amazing through it all and is trying to remain hopeful.

I'm glad he's got a little bit of hope because I've lost all of mine. It took me almost 24 hours to write this post because every time I tried to get it written out, the tears would start again.

I'm still waiting on Wonder Woman Mary to call me back. I will update later if she has anything to say that will help. Otherwise, we will keep appealing the decision.

Thanks to the 3T girls on The Bump who helped with hugs and advice yesterday. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I would do without having someone like you guys to vent to and get words of wisdom from.

The moment when ...

The moment when a car revs it's engine beside you. Without making eye contact, you pull away. The car speeds up, stays right beside you. You get scared that your road neighbor had rage and is going to hurt you.

That's the moment you see your 2 year old nephew in the backseat waving furiously to get Auntie L's attention and your brother laughing his head off.

I've worked at 911 too long. I always think the worst is about to happen.

Fertility new: day 3 of Femara. Headaches and general bitchiness. I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps lately. I haven't felt this low in a while for a continuous span of time. I hope it goes away soon.

Planning a garden is helping to take my mind off things. It will be my first ever garden of my own. My dad always had a garden when I was little so I hope I can teach my thumb to be green like his.

CD 3

I just took my first dose of Femara, 2.5 mg.

Nothing else new to report in the bebe making department.

DH surprised me with flowers today. He's not a romantic at all so the gift was a nice surprise.

I think he liked his singing Justin Beiber card. He said he was like the Easy A chick opening the card and singing to it all day.

I hope everyone had a good Happy Day Before Half Off Chocolate Day. Kisses and love to all!

Hello Irony.

Irony. My meds haz it.

i·ro·ny
/ˈīrənē/
Noun
The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.

Worst CD 1 EVAR!

I'm sorry to my coworkers and DH for having to deal with me today.

However, I am not sorry to the BCBS insurance twat who told me my Lap surgery might not be covered because after looking at my medical records, she didn't think it was medically necessary. Apparently, she wanted me to shiit out my Endo and cyst because she didn't think a Lap should have been ordered.

I am not sorry that I angry cried and yelled bad words at her.

I am also not sorry for using my outdoor voice on a call from All about Baby . com that called to congratulate me on my pregnancy. When I asked the stupid penis wrinkle how he got my number, she said a family member signed me up so I could recieve free items while I am pregnant. I clearly and loudly informed her to take my number off her list and where she could shove it. Thank goodness DH is smart enough to calm me down before I call and have verbal diarrhea on my MIL for signing me up for something when I am clearly not pregnant.

It's now time for wine and a few minutes alone to cry and clear my head.

Will every month be a clusterfluck?

Technically, today is CD 1. I spotted yesterday and anticipated AF but she paused, got her head stuck up her ass and couldn't figure out how to remove said head and shed my uterine lining at the same time.

Here's where the midget circus clown rodeo began. Yesterday I called RE to set appt for CD 3 and Rx for meds. Previously Dr A mentioned Clomid if we needed O assistance. Nurse called me back, but I was busy at work, so she quickly told me to pick up Rx and set up appt for CD 12 US. This US will make sure my follies are OK size and that we don't overstimulate and have multiples.

I called the pharmacy where I expecting to hear that my Clomid should cost $9 but instead I learned that Dr A prescribed me Femara instead, a $69 drug that's not covered by insurance and needs pre-approval.

Pre approval for what and by whom, I asked the pharmacy tech?

She said your doctor doesn't do pre approvals. And the insurance won't cover it. So I can't wrap my mind around why it needs approval. For the 85th time in a day, I called the RE office back. It's about 4 seconds past 4 pm. The phones are rolled over to the answering service.

FLUBBEGARRRRGHHGITYYY!

I begged the lady to have a nurse call back. I know they return calls after 4. I KNOW they are in the office. I pleaded and pulled at her heart vessels because my Rx is not what we originally talked about.

45 minutes later...nurse Mary calls and explains Femara. Yes, it's different. Dr A thinks this is better for me. They see more success from it. The side effects are minimal compared to Clomid. Approval was needed because it is used to treat breast cancer patients. Since I'm not using it for that, then insurance wont cover it.

OK. Good. At least my brain wraps around that and I can understand the pre approval thing now. Based on Nurse Mary's words, she loves Femara. She sees a lot more pregnancies from it because many women don't respond to Clomid. Rumors of birth defects have been proven wrong. Femara has a shorter half life and it gets out of your system within hours if taking it instead of days in the system like Clomid.

Although I am not looking forward to taking drugs, I will do what is needed.
But the constant back and forth of phone calls and confusion is more frustrating than anything else.

In many ways, though, I am blessed. I like my RE. The nurses are awesome. I've never had a bad experience with them, and the only problems have been with scheduling conflicts that are beyond the offices control. Their job has to be tough. It can't be easy to want to help people get their ultimate goal of expanding a family but be limited to only as much as medicine and science can provide. I hope they get to experience the happy moments too. I hope they know how happy the patients are who graduate and start their family. I'm not to that point yet, but when I get there I hope they know how much their appreciated.

Come on AF!

Dang this stupid spotting.

It sounds stupid but I wish AF would hurry up so I could declare CD 1 and call the RE.

If it starts today then I may have to take an extra hour for lunch on Wednesday, but I need to know so I can make sure someone covers for me. The public frowns upon us abandoning or short staffing the 911 center. Emergencies. Schmergencies.

13 DPO. Ready for next cycle.

Spotting.

It's always a teaser for AF. Temp drop this morning so it's just a matter of time.

I have so many thoughts and worries in my head that I will probably share later but for now, I'm just ready to get this next cycle started. It's enough to worry about on its own.

Up until a couple days ago, Dr A wanted us to try unmedicated for 6 months, but last week my P4 came back at 8.4, indicating weak O. Initial P4 in November was over 11. His nurse called and wants me to call cd 1 to schedule an appt. Clomid is likely the next step.

I'm not looking forward to this at all. I'm worried about the side effects. I'm worried about the cost, monitoring and my work schedule. We're OOP for treatment. My job as a 911 dispatcher is a set schedule and it's difficult to take time off without pre approval weeks ahead. I had not planned on telling my boss about IF but it looks like I may have to since I will need to miss some work this week for RE visit and BW.

I hate the unknown. It keeps me up at night. Last night, I couldn't sleep and had a nightmare about my supervisor related to my TTC and work.

Why can't this be easier?

12 dpo

Negative.

But my temps are up?

Still waiting...

But in other news, my shampoo has diarrhea. Hey Pantene, maybe you should change the name so the translation isn't shatty.

CD 26 / 11 DPO

In a couple days, I will know if we're pregnant or not this month.

The end of a cycle is brutal. Two days lasts for weeks. Every twinge is a symptom. Each temp gets judged and analyzed over and over. Bathroom trips are like a scavenger hunt for spotting.

Add in the IF factor and all the doubts come flooding in.

When will it be our month?

Why us?

What can I do differently?

It's like two final days of your cycle can determine the worth of an entire month.

Officially, I'm 11 dpo. I usually spot by 12 dpo. If there's no spotting, then I may test then. Right now, I've got some cramping, and sore boobs, but both of those can be attributed to PMS as well.

It's possible that my cycle and/or symptoms could change following the Lap so the cramps could be from that.

I just wish these days would go by faster. Staying awake and bored on night shift just fuels to my active imagination, feeding my doubt and then getting my hopes up. It's a crazy roller coaster ride.

Walmart doesn't have everything.

You know what Walmart doesn't have?

A proper greeting card.

I guess I could try the Hallmark store, but I highly doubt they will have what I'm looking for either.

DH's birthday is February 15. Do y'all know what day is before that? Do ya? National Sex Day! Otherwise known as Valentines Day.

Babies should not be allowed to be born near holidays. I joke. Sort of. It's selfish, but his birthday ruins Valentines Day and vice versa. I never get him two good gifts for both days. I want to try to be romantic for V day but it's hard when I also have to plan something or get another present for B day.

It's difficult to celebrate his B day by going out because so many people are out celebrating V day. Ugh.

This year, we're moving in the technological world. I got an iPhone for Christmas and next up is a nice shiny up to date VCR!!! Not really. I got him a Blu-Ray player.

But do you know what Walmart does not have to go with his new toy? A proper card.

There really is no card that says ...

"Thanks for repeatedly having sex with me this year, even though I know there were times when we both weren't in the mood.
Thanks for being there when I broke down over how Lucky Charms affects my fertility.
Thanks for jerking off into a cup and paying for the most expensive piece of ass that you never got to have.
Thanks for being willing to not put a roof on the garage so we could afford my Lap surgery.
Thanks for being able to tell the difference in the days that I don't want to talk about IF and the days that I do.
Thanks for understanding when I don't want people to know about our IF struggles.
Thanks for holding me up to pee after my Lap surgery.
Thanks for having super sperm, as you call them.
Thanks for everything. Thanks for being you.
Happy Birthday"

Hallmark should really get on this. I would even settle for the last words to be "Happy Valentines Day".

I pride myself in finding the perfect card. I spent almost an hour pouring over B day and V day cards to no avail. There is no such thing as an IF card that also says Love Ya, Mean It!

So I found the next best thing.

Justin Beiber musical card singing "Baby."

WINNING!

CD 21 / ?? DPO

When I put in this morning's temp, FF changed my O date from CD 15 to CD 17.

Normally, this wouldn't concern me since we had good timing with sex but Dr A has ordered a 7DPO test to check my progesterone levels.

So now, thanks for FF, I am not sure which day to go have my blood drawn. Based on a collective poll by chart experts at TB, if I discard my CD 13 insanely high temp, O date goes back to CD 15.

As a compromise, I'm going to get blood drawn on Tuesday which would be either 6DPO or 8DPO based on the two O dates.

Blurghghghgh!!!!! What a stupid mind screw. Why can't it be as easy as having sex and getting pregnant.

Crack in a cup

Do you like chocolate?

Do you like milk?

Do you like Nutella?

If you answered no to the last question, then we can't be friends.

I give you Nutella Hot Chocolate!

Directions:
1. Find your favorite mug. Fill it with hot milk. I prefer whole milk.
2. Heat milk in microwave for 1:30 or until hot.
3. Spoon in 1-3 spoonfuls of Nutella. Swirl until melted into milk. The amount of Nutella is totes discretionary. 1 spoon. Or maybe even 5 spoons is optional. Me? I prefer anywhere from 4-12 spoonfuls, depending on the time of the month.
4. Let cool for 5 seconds or a minute. Again, totes up to you and your desire to burn flesh off your tongue.
5. Drink!!!!
6. Tell me I'm the smartest person alive.

This is also good with kahlua or other favorite liquor.

How a box of Lucky Charms made me cry

I had this great post started. It was huge. It was detailed and dramatic and Oh Emm Gee would have made you cry from the emotions I was conveying. Then my iPhone ate it.

Basically, the hospital sent a bill for $9048.23 for my lap. I walked away in a daze, put up some groceries and when the cereal box didn't fit in the cabinet, I fell to the floor and cried like a baby.

It was my first real IF breakdown moment. Sure there have been some sad times but this was my "Why me?" moment. It was not pretty.

Long story short: I called BCBS, hospital and RE. It's basically the hospital's fault for scaring the Shiite out of me. Insurance sent their payment after the hospital sent me a bill. My portion is actually $1,827.89. Plus the RE portion which I haven't received a bill for yet.

I've concluded that health care and insurance companies are frocked up. Here's the totals before negotiated down billed by the hospital to BCBS.

Total for lap: $21,661
Total for RE: $1,559

Isn't that crazy? For an hour long lap surgery, it was over $23,000. But they negotiated it down by $18,521, leaving the rest for BCBS and me to pay. I'm not arguing that it costs a lot to do the procedure but to be able to negotiate it down by that drastic of a cut is crazy. Why is it not that cheap to begin with?

Anywho, that's the short story of how I panicked, flipped out, figured it out and then calmed down. I'm still blaming it on the giant box of Lucky Charms. Stupid cereal box.