I've been put in time out.

FUDDLEHDIFNIO BEFGFRAKING SHAIEFYTCETCYCH

That's kinda how my mind feels today. You know what makes CD 2 even better than CD 1? Finding out you've been benched for a cycle before it ever really begins.

I called WW Mary today to get my Femara Rx called in, but when she pulled my file, she said my uterine lining last month was 4.6ish. Optimum is over 8.

My options were to go on Femara again and risk thinning my lining even more or skipping this cycle. Obviously, WW Mary encouraged me to not take Femara again and to come in for a What The Frock meeting with Dr. A. Until then, she couldn't give me a Rx to help augment the lining issue.

While she was scheduling a WTF appointment with Dr A, she said the soonest I could be seen is two weeks away. So even if we had wanted to do an IUI, I may not have been able to get an appointment. Ugh.

Dr. A wants to do two more IUIs and then discuss IVF. Unfortunately, because of finances, IVF is not an option for us. Unless we miraculously win the lottery or I find $10,000 in last year's coat pocket, it's not something that we can afford. If we get to that point, we will have some major decisions to make.

But, for now, I am just looking forward to the next IUI and hoping it works ... whenever that will be.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes I wonder ... what would it feel like to go back to being a TTC newbie? Ignorant to all things bad that are called Infertility. Blissful to the idea of creating life and expanding DH and I into a family of three. Hopeful to the point of sickening myself with giddy each month that I am one day closer to buying cute outfits, cuddling a newborn, late night feedings and building a cloth diaper stash. (Yes, I will cloth diaper. I'm not crunchy and only a little green, but I am thrifty and OMG have you seen the cute fluffy butts?)

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to watch Youtube videos of wives announcing pregnancies to husbands without the fear creeping in that I may never get to do that.

Sometimes I wonder how I would set up a nursery; how we would discipline and raise a child; what trips we would take; traditions we would make on holidays; and how many pairs of Air Jordan shoes DH would buy if we had a son.

The wishing and hopefulness has died a little each month. With each BFN and AF, I forbid my hopes from getting higher the next month. I tell myself not to look at baby clothes in stores. I skip over the ads and internet stories that contain baby information. Up until a few months ago, I had a stockpile of baby related pins on a seperate Pinterest account. I created it wayyyyyy before the genius minds of Pinterest released secret boards. I would visit that account on my good days and pin away until my heart was purely content of nursery ideas, cloth diaper information, breastfeeding, clothes, etc. It was my place to escape and dream about all things baby and pregnancy. I loved my secret account.

I can honestly tell you that I haven't logged into that account in over two months. It doesn't bring me the same happiness anymore.

This post is a rambling of hodge podge crapped onto a page to whine about life. Basically, this is a giant Dear Diary post because I wanted somewhere to write about this last item. Of all the things I have always thought about over the past 21 months is how one thing would feel when one certain thing happened.

I've always wondered how it would feel to finally see a second line on a pregnancy test. Would I stand there in shock? Would I scream? Would I pass out? Or would I just sit down and cry?

Yesterday, on CD 28/14 DPO with spotting already happening, I took a test and got my answer to that question. Seeing that second line, I stood there in disbelief and instead of thinking "Could this be real?" I threw the test in the trash and dipped another wondfo (BFN). Because if there is one thing I have learned in this shittastic IF mess is to not get your hopes up, especially when you own a pack of wondfos HPTs that have been reported as faulty and notorious for giving false positives.

 

It's difficult to see in the picture. The top one is the faulty test with a smeared area and clearly has a faint line IRL.

Today is CD1. My CD1 kit includes some wine, an Oreo Cheesecake milkshake and BBQ chips.

I need to find my happy place again. I'm lost out here looking for it and my only means of survival are wine, chips and milkshakes. If I don't make it back to my happy place in a couple days, can someone please send search and rescue teams?

This is what happens ...

When you leave a half of a watermelon alone with an unattended Golden Retriever. 

DH is mad because he only ate the other half. He's ticked that the pup didn't at least leave him part that he could eat. 

CD 26 -- 12 DPO

This 2WW hasn't been too bad as far as the ups and downs normally are concerned. But it's the last few days before AF always arrive that are a complete mind screw.

Every phantom symptom gets in your brain. Even the slightest twinge or cramp means little or it means a whole lot.

Most of my followers know what I mean, since the great majority of you are TTC or are KU now. Heck, some of you probably already have delivered and are back to TTC again. Getting lapped by someone in the TTC process is always fun, kinda like how root canals are fun.

I don't like to give daily updates on my Ute status because I think it's mundane and boring to read the same thing over and over again, but here's the obligatory list of symptoms that will undoubtedly end up being only PMS again. Statistically speaking, getting a BFP this cycle or any cycle is becoming more of a long shot. Screw you depressing statistics.

Phantom symptoms:

Overly active appetite. I could seriously eat a whole chicken right now, or at least the box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that an officer brought us.

Exhausted. I fell asleep yesterday while sitting straight up in a chair. I think I was in the process of blinking and my body just died for about 5 minutes. Picture in your head that after 5 minutes, my neck muscles gave out, my head lolled almost off my shoulders and I almost fell out of the chair. I'm classy like that.

No cramps. I get cramps before AF for several days prior, but maybe by Ute is just being nice to me this month.

As for testing, this morning was a BFN. Bravo. Foxtrot. November.

I should start gathering up supplies for my CD 1 kit soon: drinks, tampons, old lady underwear, chocolate, etc. Any other ideas that are in your CD 1 kit?

::snort:: Cracks me up every time I look at it.

I shared my IF story!

You guise, this is big for me. Only a handful of other people know about our IF, and the majority of those are family or BFF. 

Today, I had an Aflac meeting at work. Last year the rep and I talked about what would be good for maternity leave coverage. I picked up a short term disability and a hospital plan last year during open enrollment. This year, he remembered that and asked if I wanted to up the plan or stay the same. He point blank asked me if I was trying to use it for maternity leave. 

Another rep was in there and I hesitated. And then I opened up and told them about my IF and I want to keep the plans. They listened to me and he said, I don't know how hard it is personally but my sister TTC for almost 5 years. I was so scared he was going to give me the relax speech. 

Instead he said, I saw how hard it was on her and I'm sorry. He even told me how he remembered how hard mothers days were for her and how she skipped church those days. I thanked him and said well how is your sister now. He said she is the mother of three and one on the way. 

Both reps were so nice and wished me luck as I left. 

Maybe this sharing our story thing isn't as hard as I thought it would be?  

I'm still not ready to share with everyone. Who knows if I ever will be, but today was a nice boost in that direction. I realize that by keeping my IF private it could be thought of as only hindering the cause to bring more awareness to the disease. It's always rattling in my mind of whether my opening up would do me more good than keeping it private does. 

Chew on that nugget for a while. What do you guys think? 

TTC related news: CD 24/10 DPO and a BFN this morning. I know it's still early but I'm already looking forward to moving

onto IUI 2 next month. 

A dose of karma

Some of the bad days of my job are cured by a sweet minute of karma.

We get lied to a lot. A.Lot. I would be hard pressed to name a handful of calls a day in which I believe every word that a 911 caller says. 

Medical calls are exaggerated because the person thinks if they scream and cry louder then the ambulances run faster. Wrong. Your pain and level of screaming do not correlate to emergency traffic. Also, yelling at a 911 call taker does more harm than good, especially if you're calling from a cell phone. The louder you are, the more you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.

Whomp. Wha. Wha. Inaudible screaming. Whamp. Wha. Wha. 

I can smell a lie from a mile away. Problem is ... I can't do a danged thing about it. I have to trust what the caller is saying. I have to relay that information to officers, EMS and fire like those words are written in red type font by Jesus himself. 

All I can hope for is that one day I will get to drive the karma bus.

Professional tips:

1. Don't tell a 911 dispatcher that you can't talk to the cops because you're scared of your significant other and in the same breath, whisper to the person beside you to lie and say you're not there but you will be hiding in the bathroom. 

::I can still hear you.:: 

(That call ended with Miss Hide and Go Seek going to jail because she was the aggressor in the domestic violence, not her significant other.)

2. Yelling at the dispatcher because our crystal ball isn't working and we magically don't know your address does not help. Learn your address. Kindergartners know this. Plus, once we do figure out your address, yelling and cursing us will most definitely get you a visit from the po-po. Which is not something you want when you have active warrants. 

Basically, short version of this tip is don't call 911 unless you're positive you don't have warrants out for your own arrest. 

3. If you have a breathalyzer installed that manages the function and permitted use of your car, don't keep blowing into it if your drunk. It will eventually lock you out for a longer period of time. Calling 911 to complain and request a field sobriety test is probably not the wisest decision. There's a pretty good chance you will go to jail, unless the officer is nice enough to escort you back inside your house to save you a public intoxication charge. 

CD 20 - 6 DPO

Back to the dreaded and simultaneously anticipated 2WW.

It's a love-hate relationship with this time of my cycle. I'm glad I'm in the waiting to test part but I dread this time because it's torture to keep thinking and waiting.

I'm 6 DPO and won't test until at least 10 DPO or maybe 12. At this point, I'm not overly hopeful with this month and am already planning for IUI 2.

During our hours in the car going to and from vacation, DH had lots of time to talk about the future and what length of treatment we're willing to take. We both have similar feelings but haven't made any final decisions but when we do I will share it.

Until then, we wait.

Look what I did!

Growing up, we always had a garden. A large garden! Dad always planted way too much that fed us, my grandparents and pretty much my entire church.

I remember every Sunday and Wednesday, we would pick whatever was ripe and tote multiple 5 gallon buckets to church where we would barely get out of the car before we became a mobile farmers market.

Since moving into our home a few years ago, I've wanted to grow a garden. So that's what I did!

I wanted something that could be easily maintained. Thus, the birth of a raised garden bed. DH constructed a bed about 7 feet by 3 feet out of some spare building materials from our porch.

We waited until the frost warning was over for our area, even though Mother Nature doesn't follow NOAA weather predictions. She frosted our area the night before we planted and then the temp rose to 80 degrees. Mother Nature is fickle.

We got $25 worth of top soil from a local rock, gravel and dirt business, which saved us about $75 if we had just bought planting mix or garden soil in bags. Sure, the bagged variety probably has a lot more nutrients and official sounding plant growing doohickeys but I figured that we planted a garden every year in top soil. We never fertilized it with anything but cow manure and we had tomatoes the size of your face. Just for the sake of having richer soil, I mixed in two bags of potting soil/garden soil and manure with the soil and voila ... a raised bed ready for plants.

This year is basically a trial run to see what works and what doesn't. I'm starting small with three tomato plants, big boy better boy and yellow and pink stripeys. Yellow squash and zucchini were started by seed on the opposite end to give them plenty of spreading room and a mound of 4 cucumber plants are in the center. I will train them to run up a trellis to keep their vines from taking over the whole container.

Just for funsies, I bought 8 tumbling toms tomato plants that I put in two hanging baskets for little tiny bite size 'maters.

Before you ask, yes I do say 'maters and 'taters in real life. I'm from the south. It's the law.

I'm adding in some cell phone pics of the progress and one extra yummy pic just for JMacky of my first strawberry breakfast this morning ... a Nutella and strawberry quesadilla, minus the cheese chicken but plus Nutella and berries.

Post vacation blues

We're back from vacation. Ugh.

I want to go back.

I'm glad I've got a few days off work because it will take me hours to get the crap unpacked. After that, I want to start planting my little garden. We had a frost warning last night so I may hold off for a day or two. (Also, WTF Mother Nature. It's almost June. Why are you still frosting?)

I'm going back to unpacking and laundry.

But I would rather be doing what the dogs are doing. Can you tell that Doggy Day care wore them out?

I'm calling it.

I'm declaring today as O day. I may or may not have gotten a +OPK this morning. I did get a definite + yesterday, but today's is iffie.

And since I'm kinda going with a laid back TI cycle, I'm predicting my own O day. I couldn't get an appointment for a midcycle US closer to O because of the vacation. RE was willing to schedule IUI in hopes that we got back before O but honestly, I didn't want the stress of it.

After charting for a butt load of months before seeing a RE, I just don't feel like picking up that stupid BBT again. So I really have no clue and can't promise that this is O. Using OPKs was too much to ask for when I couldn't remember to pee on them. Something about a vacation just makes you lose your mind ... in a good way.

But whatevs, I do what I want.

The short weekend vacation relaxed us and we enjoyed a nice break from realty. Honestly, this month has been our best timing in a long time.

We hit 5-O, 3-O, 1-O and O. I'm good with that.

Facebook break

I give up. I avoided FB yesterday for the simple fact that I didn't want to see a hundred Mothers Day posts. For anyone dealing with IF, you understand why.

If you have never dealt with IF, then I don't expect you to understand. You will never know the feeling I have when I see your child's newborn pictures, you complain about pregnancy or complain about how hard parenting is.

I know it has to be hard. I've never been in your shoes. The hardest part of IF is wondering if I will ever be able to fill those shoes. If there was a magical promise that said that yes, one day I will have a child, then it wouldn't be as painful to put on a smile and pretend that yesterday wasn't hard.

I logged in to FB today after not being on it since Friday. What do I see? The first three posts were people changing their profile pictures to their newborns and ultrasound photos. I immediately logged off. It's not that I'm not happy that you have a child. This is just my way of protecting my own sanity. Do I blame you for posting these photos? No. But I'm also one of those FB posters that doesn't put mushy crap on my timeline. You will never see me wish a happy anniversary to my DH or post on his wall that I'm so happy we went on a date to Burger King. It's just not me.

FB has it's benefits but I don't see the point in posting a picture of your child in utero, addressing a message to your unborn bebe like "mommy loves you Suzy!"

Guess what? Your child is in your uterus. She's most definitely not logged into FB and reading yet, despite whether or not you have already created a FB account for said child.

Before you ask, yes, I had a friend who created a FB account for his two year old. I immediately deleted him.

Let's be real, people. Your kindergartener can barely cut with scissors or wipe his own butt, I don't think he cares if you post a picture of him eating cereal, in the exact same pajamas that he wore yesterday when you posted the almost exact same picture of him eating the exact same cereal.

I admit, I used to be a FB hoar. I loved posting pictures. I don't know when I changed. I still post some and update my status. But I don't want my page to become a constant stream of "I just drank a diet coke!" or "OMG I'm driving to work."

You can expect some constant updates in the coming days when I get some local strawberries for the first time. Those things are the shizzit!

This post went way off topic. And now all I can think about is strawberries. Three more hours until I am home and can get some berries!!!!

Just another day...

To the mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day. I hope one day to join your pukey, giggly, dirty, funny, exhausting and loving club.

But for now, today is just another day. I celebrate my own Mom and her awesomeness and wish that I was more like her. In some ways, I'm glad I have my dads personality and in others I wish I was more meek like my Mom. It would save me from getting in a lot of trouble if I didn't have my father's lack of filter for mouth diarrhea.

We're still on vacation and while I thought today would be tough, I'm looking at it as another day. Vacation has been relaxing and IF has rarely been on mind. During a typical cycle I could tell you my exact cycle day and next appointment time before I could ever tell you what of the week we were currently on. But while I've been here, I've lost track of my cycle. I can't even remember to use my OPKs. The beach is sucking out my TTC brain, in a good way. But in many ways, I'm avoiding the day as much as possible. I've only checked TB twice and I refuse to log onto Facebook. That overload of thankful crap would send me into a dark place. I know you're thankful for your kids, facebookers, but it is not necessary for me to like or comment on it. Get off your phones and laptops and spend the day with them.

At this exact moment, I'm leaned back on a chaise, next to my mom and listening to the wind in the back porch chimes. The tide is leaving and we're resting before our afternoon fishing trip.

I'm going back to my book. Hugs to all of you that need and deserve them today.

Somebody call 911

The only good way to start off a vacation is to get lost, have my food order messed up twice, and get sideswiped on the interstate at 70 mph. Right?

I'm thankful it wasn't worse. I'm thankful that we only got lost for about 5 minutes.

I'm thankful the manager gave me a refund on my meal. (I'm only pretending that the cooks in the back didn't spit in my McWrap after it took them three times over 19 minutes to make it correctly. You shoosh if you're going to ruin this thought.)

I'm also thankful that our 70 mph wreck wasn't any worse than what it was. I told DH if you're going to wreck, this is the best way to do it.

A college kid was driving home after a full week of exams on little to no sleep with a car full of hoarded crap. Imagine the hoarders show and then try to imagine an entire 10x10 dorm packed into a Crown Vic. It was a tight squeeze.

He didn't see us and he admitted to falling sleep when he veered into our lane. DH did some magic Days of Thunder driving skills to keep the car from spinning and under control as he drove it through the gravel, grass and sand on the side of the Interstate.

I called 911 for a state trooper and we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

It's a pet peeve of mine when someone calls 911 back a second time and says "I called 45 minutes ago." When in reality, I can see the recording that came in 15 minutes before. So I hated to call back to 911 but I'm glad I did since 911 didn't bother to call me back and tell me the trooper couldn't find us 45 minutes after the initial call. The dispatcher told him we were two miles west of the rest stop when we were actually two miles east of it. When the mount me cop didn't see us exactly where 911 said, he stopped looking.

An hour and a half later, we were back on the road again.

No tire damage. No wheel damage. Only cosmetic damage which will still cost a pretty penny.

We arrived safe and now it's time to relax.

Vacation tip #1. Bring your own pillows. The ones here are too poofy.

Paybacks are hell.

Don't wave at people. You will only regret it. Trust me.

During my lunch break today I went to Walmart. This was my first mistake. The stupid germ spread into my pores and made me lose IQ points as I checked out.

Side note: I absolutely loathe chatty cashiers. Here's what I expect. Say hello. Say how are you? Ring up my items. Bag my items. Take my payment.

No where during these easy steps should the cashier comment on my tampons, chocolate, oatmeal or shirt that I'm wearing. Do not ask me why I am buying oatmeal at 0130 am. Because I will tell you that it's breakfast time for me and my night shift partners. Don't ask me why I am buying Reese's cups with it. Because I will purposely tell you (Mr Male Cashier) that my partner is ragging and needs chocolate or she will murder the next penis that she meets.

Anyshat, back to my stupid story...

I was pulling out of Walmart when I saw my shift officer Lieutenant and Captain in the turning lane. I drove by waving like Forrest Gump does when he jumps off the Jenny shrimp boat and smiling like I just smoke crack.

Needless to say, I looked like a moron. On purpose. Because I knew they would laugh and wave back. BUT, they didn't wave back. And it wasn't the Lt and Capt. It was two completely different officers, who stared at me like I had just stepped off the crazy train.

The bad part was I was in uniform. And they recognized it so they immediately asked my Capt who drives a blue car at 911. He threw me under the bus and let them run over me with laughter.

Well played Capt. Penis Wrinkle.

But what the Capt. didn't realize is that I'm the dispatcher who gets to decide which officer gets to rescue the guy off a porch who was trapped by a loose crazy bull. Paybacks are hell.

The dogs are going to day care.

We're getting prepared to leave for Edisto Island later this week and I'm making final preparations.

The hardest thing to deal with is going to be leaving the dogs. I luuuuuurve my pups. It's hard to leave them in someone else's hands. We're going with family so the ones we would normally leave them with will be at the beach with us.

Bella will have no problem at all. She is in Heaven at doggy day camp. When she was a tiny puppy, I took her there when I worked night shift so she could play all day while I slept. She basically comes unglued from her tail when she sees that we're pulling into the parking lot.

Minnie, on the other hand, is not going to be excited about the new social activity.

She's not a social butterfly. She likes her people. She likes her dog Bella. She doesn't like other people or other dogs. She is fond of some people and loves you once she gets to know you, but you have to be a dog person for her to like you. She has a sixth sense that tells her who dog people are and the people who are only tolerant of dogs. If you don't want face lickings or to have a weenie cuddle on your lap or feet, then she knows immediately and she won't like you. Ever.

The doggy daycare requires a trial day before a dog can be boarded there.

Yesterday was Minnie's trial day and let me tell you, I was a little afraid she would fail. But, after a few tense minutes, and some nipping at dogs who got to sniffy with her precious butt, she adapted.

The lady said she stopped shaking and hiding in the corner after a while. MINNIE PLAYED WITH OTHER DOGS!

Yuuu guise!!!! Dis is huuuuge! She does not like other dogs but she eventually calmed enough to play and enjoyed the outside time in the sun. After 8 hours, she was so tuckered out that DH said she passed out in the car on the way home.

I leave you with a pic of the two cutest pups who will be missed like crazy while we are gone!

Is it a full moon?

I swear I need to write a book. If me and all the other 911 dispatchers of the world got our warped minds together, we would be dangerous.

Here are some of our most recent dandy callers.

(Scene: It's 2:30 a.m. It's dark outside.)
911: Where is your emergency?
Caller: There's a bright light flashing in the sky, up above the mountain. I've lived here 29 years and I've never seen anything like this before.


*Apparently, the caller has never seen a plane in the night sky in all of his 29 years.

______________

911: Where is your emergency?
Caller: I've been robbed right here.
911: Where were you robbed?
Caller: Right here.
911: Where are you?
Caller: Right here.
911: ::headdesk::
911: What's your address?
Caller: I don't know.

(This is the point where my brain usually explodes. Eventually, this grown man figured out that alcohol and showing off his money to drug dealing friends does not mix.)

______________

Caller: I would like to talk to the officer who I talked to earlier today.
911: Which officer was it?
Caller: I don't know. He was wearing a uniform. He had short hair, about 5'8 and a pot belly.
911: (thinking ... ) Ma'am, I hate to say this, but that's what they all look like.
Caller: He was driving a black car.
911: (laughing) You're not helping me.
Caller: He wasn't very good looking.
911: Now we're getting somewhere.
Caller: He had a dip in his mouth.
911: I know exactly who you are talking about.

_____________


TTC News: Our beach trip is going to coincide with FW and O should be right around the time we come back. We're going to continue with Femara 5 mg this cycle but no IUI. We're just going to sex it up and take a mental break from treatment. I will get my midcycle scan before we leave. I'm actually kinda glad for a little break -- from work, life and medical intervention.

CD 1. It's time for a new beginning.

I wish I was a better writer so I could hodge podge some words together that would properly express how I feel. Sad. Disappointed. Depressed. Upset. Angry. Failure.

Not one of those words encompasses the true meaning of what I feel like today.

Even though this is possibly the lowest point along this journey, I also had a small epiphany today. But first, let me talk about how I have been feeling lately.

My hopes were high for this cycle. Too high, actually. With the cycle being paid for and the post wash sperm count so high, I was too optimistic that it would work. There's a fine line that you have to walk with IF. When you get too far to the right or left of too hopeful or too depressed, you fall off that line. And it's hard to get back to that central location where everything feels OK. Hell, I'm not even sure you can tightrope that line. I feel like I am constantly on one side or the other, taking drunken steps while holding my fingers up my nose and looking like a monkey humping a football. That is IF for me.

I realized my attitude and life was headed too low during a birthday party for my 1 year old niece. Don't get me wrong. I love her with all of my heart. She's the funniest little goofball and she has an amazing ability to smile and laugh at everyone. She truly loves people. But, I couldn't fully enjoy those moments.

I had to work that morning and was just coming off a bad call before I took off early to go to the party. We had an elderly lady die in a house fire and I still had her on my mind when I walked into the party. The niceties of "How are you?" "How's life?" "How's work?" were tossed around by some family and friends and all I could say was "Fine." But inside I was screaming, "You don't really want to know. If you did, you would see that my face is flipped upside down and my heart is on my sleeve. You would see that I am two seconds away from crying at any moment. But other than that, Oh I am swell."

There was some very awkward tense moments between my mom and I as I dropped her off back at her car. She cares about my IF. I know she does. She just doesn't know how to deal with it. Hell, I don't even know how to deal with it somedays. But somedays, all I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to during the hard time, not just on the days of my IUI or doctor's visits. My friends and family who know about our IF don't call anymore. And I have stopped calling them or texting them to let them know what's going on. I feel like all we ever get is our hopes up and then bad news so we end up disappointing people. I don't want to feel like I am constantly whining to people so I just keep it inside.

And inside me is where is stays until one bad feeling stacks on top of another bad feeling and then another and another. That's where they stay until the feelings all tumble down in one giant mass of crap.

Throw in a little piece of jealousy, slab of anger and a brick of guilt, and you will have a lifesize Jenga game in the shape of Me. All it takes is one piece pulled out of place and I will come crumbling to the ground.

These words bring me to the epiphany part of my story. Once again, the life changing moment took place on the shitter. All of life's greatest moments happen on the shitter. That's normally when my insurance company likes to call me and attempt to make me cry. The toilet is also where I beat a lot of my Candy Crush levels. It's also where I get away from DH with my fake bathroom issues. (Oh come on. Admit it. You have faked a stomach pain to get some time alone from the husband or dogs.)

So during my Pity Party, party of one, I realized that I have lost me in all of this. My life revolves around my cycle. I can tell you what CD I am on and what work shift I am currently on, but I can't tell you what day of the week it is. I also can't tell you when I did something for me, solely for my own enjoyment. (Besides my pedicure recently, but even that was DH's idea and he paid for it and made my date arrangement with my friend. If you knew my DH in real life, you would think he is a hard ass, but he can be a softie sometimes. Just don't tell him that you know. He likes the bad ass persona.)

I'm going back to me. I'm going to find me and get lost again in myself. Recently, one of my Bump friends said she doesn't let IF define her life. But, I was letting it define me.

Not anymore. I'm done with letting it rule everything in my life. I am done having IF and TTC be the end all and be all of my existence. From here on out, I am making some vows to myself.

• I vow to get my camera out everyday. I will not have another moment of sadness when I start to take a picture at a birthday party and realize the last picture I took was on Christmas Day. Photography was my passion. I am going to find that passion again.
• I vow to read more books.
• I vow to make my trip to Edisto Island with my family fun and I will not let my IF bring me down.
• I vow to not ignore my feelings and I will express them to someone or to you guys here in my little blog that I treat like a diary.
• I vow to take the time for me. On Mother's Day, I will be at the beach with family. DH and I are planning on taking a day for ourselves and run away to enjoy the day together. I will not feel guilty for this.
• I vow to find a new hobby, something crafty maybe. I may learn to knit. The options are still being juggled in my mind for this one. I am open to suggestions.
• I vow to cook healthy meals at home.
• I vow to cook biscuit and gravy for supper at least once a month because it is DH's favorite. Rules are made to be broken. See the previous promise.
• I vow to treat my body in a more healthy fashion, whether it be more exercise, eating better, etc.

The last one is the most important.

• I vow to not let Infertility define me. I will have sad moments. I will have happy moments. But they will only be moments. They will not last for days without end. Because this too shall pass.