The day I had a meltdown at Target

I watched mom after mom stroll their baby into Target. Diaper bags hanging. Babies sleeping snuggly in their comfy carriers.

One by one they crossed my path, each looking away quickly when they realized they were staring into my tear filled eyes. None of them knew that at that moment I wished to be one of them so badly.

Moment before while trying to eat half of a Zaxbys salad with my Mom, I finally got connected to an insurance rep following a long waiting period. I walked outside and learned from the rep that insurance was denying my Lap surgery from January 10.

Why? I can't even tell you because I don't know. The rep couldn't tell me either. She said it was sent in as an unlisted procedure which insurance deemed medically unnecessary. I tried to reason with her. I tried to explain Endo and the cyst. She was polite, as polite as she was trained to be. Not overly helpful, but at least she wasn't rude like the last rep I spoke to.

The claim is being reviewed. Again. I've called my REs office Wonder Woman Mary. Again. She's on my side and is willing to go to bat for me and speak to insurance.

I'm out of tears. If we have to pay this $9,000 surgery plus nearly $2,000 in dr bills it will eat up our savings. TTC will be put on hold indefinitely. I'm out of hope. With each fallen tear, I've lost hope that this will all turn out fine.

I've been in the dumps lately anyways. This was the final straw that broke me. I can't even count how many times I cried yesterday. When I would think "I'm all out of tears" they would start welling up again. At one point DH thought I had finally fallen asleep on the couch but quickly realized that I was crying. Again. He's been amazing through it all and is trying to remain hopeful.

I'm glad he's got a little bit of hope because I've lost all of mine. It took me almost 24 hours to write this post because every time I tried to get it written out, the tears would start again.

I'm still waiting on Wonder Woman Mary to call me back. I will update later if she has anything to say that will help. Otherwise, we will keep appealing the decision.

Thanks to the 3T girls on The Bump who helped with hugs and advice yesterday. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I would do without having someone like you guys to vent to and get words of wisdom from.

The moment when ...

The moment when a car revs it's engine beside you. Without making eye contact, you pull away. The car speeds up, stays right beside you. You get scared that your road neighbor had rage and is going to hurt you.

That's the moment you see your 2 year old nephew in the backseat waving furiously to get Auntie L's attention and your brother laughing his head off.

I've worked at 911 too long. I always think the worst is about to happen.

Fertility new: day 3 of Femara. Headaches and general bitchiness. I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps lately. I haven't felt this low in a while for a continuous span of time. I hope it goes away soon.

Planning a garden is helping to take my mind off things. It will be my first ever garden of my own. My dad always had a garden when I was little so I hope I can teach my thumb to be green like his.

CD 3

I just took my first dose of Femara, 2.5 mg.

Nothing else new to report in the bebe making department.

DH surprised me with flowers today. He's not a romantic at all so the gift was a nice surprise.

I think he liked his singing Justin Beiber card. He said he was like the Easy A chick opening the card and singing to it all day.

I hope everyone had a good Happy Day Before Half Off Chocolate Day. Kisses and love to all!

Hello Irony.

Irony. My meds haz it.

i·ro·ny
/ˈīrənē/
Noun
The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.

Worst CD 1 EVAR!

I'm sorry to my coworkers and DH for having to deal with me today.

However, I am not sorry to the BCBS insurance twat who told me my Lap surgery might not be covered because after looking at my medical records, she didn't think it was medically necessary. Apparently, she wanted me to shiit out my Endo and cyst because she didn't think a Lap should have been ordered.

I am not sorry that I angry cried and yelled bad words at her.

I am also not sorry for using my outdoor voice on a call from All about Baby . com that called to congratulate me on my pregnancy. When I asked the stupid penis wrinkle how he got my number, she said a family member signed me up so I could recieve free items while I am pregnant. I clearly and loudly informed her to take my number off her list and where she could shove it. Thank goodness DH is smart enough to calm me down before I call and have verbal diarrhea on my MIL for signing me up for something when I am clearly not pregnant.

It's now time for wine and a few minutes alone to cry and clear my head.

Will every month be a clusterfluck?

Technically, today is CD 1. I spotted yesterday and anticipated AF but she paused, got her head stuck up her ass and couldn't figure out how to remove said head and shed my uterine lining at the same time.

Here's where the midget circus clown rodeo began. Yesterday I called RE to set appt for CD 3 and Rx for meds. Previously Dr A mentioned Clomid if we needed O assistance. Nurse called me back, but I was busy at work, so she quickly told me to pick up Rx and set up appt for CD 12 US. This US will make sure my follies are OK size and that we don't overstimulate and have multiples.

I called the pharmacy where I expecting to hear that my Clomid should cost $9 but instead I learned that Dr A prescribed me Femara instead, a $69 drug that's not covered by insurance and needs pre-approval.

Pre approval for what and by whom, I asked the pharmacy tech?

She said your doctor doesn't do pre approvals. And the insurance won't cover it. So I can't wrap my mind around why it needs approval. For the 85th time in a day, I called the RE office back. It's about 4 seconds past 4 pm. The phones are rolled over to the answering service.

FLUBBEGARRRRGHHGITYYY!

I begged the lady to have a nurse call back. I know they return calls after 4. I KNOW they are in the office. I pleaded and pulled at her heart vessels because my Rx is not what we originally talked about.

45 minutes later...nurse Mary calls and explains Femara. Yes, it's different. Dr A thinks this is better for me. They see more success from it. The side effects are minimal compared to Clomid. Approval was needed because it is used to treat breast cancer patients. Since I'm not using it for that, then insurance wont cover it.

OK. Good. At least my brain wraps around that and I can understand the pre approval thing now. Based on Nurse Mary's words, she loves Femara. She sees a lot more pregnancies from it because many women don't respond to Clomid. Rumors of birth defects have been proven wrong. Femara has a shorter half life and it gets out of your system within hours if taking it instead of days in the system like Clomid.

Although I am not looking forward to taking drugs, I will do what is needed.
But the constant back and forth of phone calls and confusion is more frustrating than anything else.

In many ways, though, I am blessed. I like my RE. The nurses are awesome. I've never had a bad experience with them, and the only problems have been with scheduling conflicts that are beyond the offices control. Their job has to be tough. It can't be easy to want to help people get their ultimate goal of expanding a family but be limited to only as much as medicine and science can provide. I hope they get to experience the happy moments too. I hope they know how happy the patients are who graduate and start their family. I'm not to that point yet, but when I get there I hope they know how much their appreciated.

Come on AF!

Dang this stupid spotting.

It sounds stupid but I wish AF would hurry up so I could declare CD 1 and call the RE.

If it starts today then I may have to take an extra hour for lunch on Wednesday, but I need to know so I can make sure someone covers for me. The public frowns upon us abandoning or short staffing the 911 center. Emergencies. Schmergencies.