CD 2. IUI 2 process begins.

Since there will be more going on this cycle, I will frequently update to help my own memory. Keep in mind that I am on night shift and I don't know what day of the week it is or my own maiden name right now. This blog helps refresh my own memory on days when I can't even remember the last time that I ate. 

Today I went in for my first scan. They took some blood and looked at my ovaries. Dr. A said they are nice and quiet like they should be and at this point doesn't see any cysts or anything else that would prevent us from stopping the cycle so far. 

My orders are for a hybrid cycle of Femara 2.5 mg for CD 3-7 and then 50 of Gonal F beginning on CD 7. On CD 8, I will have my second scan and they will keep my med units the same or adjust them. I will probably have subsequent US  every other day following that until close to follies maturity. Menopur and a trigger will be given a day or two before the IUI depending on how things look around that time.

I was asking a lot of questions and Needle Nurse Missy said, "Someone's been doing her homework." 

If this woman only knew that half the ladies on 3T and IF could walk in and sound as educated as the RE, she would die. 

We're aiming to get 2 follies, maybe 3. After that Dr. A will cancel the cycle. He said he may even cancel it if we get to 3. Based on my size, he doesn't want to risk multiples and OHSS. That's why we're starting off with a low Gonal F dose until we see how I respond early in this cycle. 

I don't know how women do this when they don't have TB or similar resources at their hands? I would be so confused and lost if I just walked in there without educating myself first. 

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In other news, after yesterday's roller coaster of emotions, I was telling someone at work that I had a bad day (before my med donation email was discovered) and she said "Don't you just hate those days when it seems like 'what else can get worse?'"

I said, "I never say that. I'm not wishing more crap on myself." 

Guess what? It got worse. Stupid coworker's big mouth. 

It got worse, but everything is OK. I preface with that statement because DH had an accident at work today. He and three coworkers were in a work truck coming back from lunch when a lady rear ended them at about 50mph. They were all transported by EMS to the ER. One guy has some shoulder and neck injuries (nothing serious, but still painful) and DH and other guy have whiplash. He will be sore tomorrow but right now he's OK. Thank goodness. 

From the worst to one of the best days ever.

Let's just go chronologically, shall we?

This morning started off with a fresh headache from this side of hell. A few minutes later, right on schedule, AF showed. My miracle BFP cycle hopes were dashed. After 5 days+ of spotting, I figured it was coming, but it still hurt, ya know? Knowing that I was coming to night shift tonight, I decided to go to TJMaxx and return something and do a little retail therapy for CD 1 blues. It couldn't hurt, right? 

Wrong. 

 

The day before, I picked up a rental car while my car was being fixed from the great Edisto Wreck 2013. Fast forward to this morning and the low tire pressure light is on in the rental. As an omen for the rest of my day, the back driver's side tire was flat. I pumped some air in it, called Enterprise and they said my local Sears store would fix it. It's close to TJMaxx so I thought I could take it there on my way for therapy. No big deal. 

DH called and wanted me to bring him and his coworkers Dominos. In the midst of this, I was talking to my RE's office and hoping that my work schedule and RE schedule would be compatible for this cycle. But, noooooo, that would be too easy. I work 3 - 12 hour night shifts in a row. Friday would be my ideal appointment day and would be CD 4, which would work out perfectly with my work schedule. But, wouldn't you know, the RE and Missy the needle nurse won't be in the office that day. 

 She said, "How about tomorrow at 9 am?" 

I said, "I work night shift. I can't do it tomorrow unless it is reeeaaaaalll early or late." 

She said, "How about 11am?"

 I said, "In what world is 11 am really early or really late?" 

Woman, "How about 2:30?" 

Me, "How about 4 pm?" 

 This woman really needs to get a clock and learn the definition of early and late. But, whatever, one thing down. It's not my ideal, perfect appointment and it will totally screw up my sleep and maybe make me cranky at work the following night, but I can deal with it. 

 Continuing on with my wait at the tire shop, the tire boy tells me there's a nail in it and it will take 30 minutes to fix it. This messes up my time schedule to get DH's lunch, deliver it and then get to the pharmacy 30 minutes away, pick up part of my meds for this cycle and then run back home for a quick nap before night shift. Knowing that DH really wants pizza, I let tire boy fix the tire and skipped TJMaxx. I called and called Dominos and no answer. Weird, but I figured I would run by and place the order in person. No dice. The power is out. The oven's are off and by now, I am starving and DH's lunch break is almost over. We grabbed a quick bite at another place and I rushed over to the pharmacy. 

 Because I am a planner, I called Target pharmacy beforehand to make sure it was on hand. 

"Yes, the order is here," Pharm girl says. "It's for this many milligrams." 

 Wrong. "No, Ma'am. It should be a different amount." 

 Fast forward and we get it straightened out, but not before giving me another minor heart attack that something else was going to go wrong with this day and furthermore, this cycle. 

 Time doesn't stand still and I didn't make it home in time to take my nap. By this time, I my blood pressure is up and I need some stress relief. Taking advantage of a few extra minutes before I needed to get ready for work, I headed on over to my old stomping grounds and took my first ever run at my Alma Mater. It's hillier than my other favorite trails but it is also nostalgic because it brings back the college memories from 10 years ago. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to try my feet out at running on some public roads. I had a fear of it, but I wanted to conquer it and realized that I was strong and brave enough to run on the roads and run past the soccer team practice. :) 

Sacrificing my naptime was worth it as I completed Week 4, Day 1 of C25K. It steps up the workout to include two 3:00 runs and two 5:00 runs with walking between them. Considering that it was 90 degrees and blazing hell fire sun outside, I completed all but about 1 minute of the running portions, walked for a minute and then finished that missing minute. I wish I could have finished it completely, but I still felt amazing that I got that much running in under those conditions. 

 I get back in my car and see that DH is calling. He's lost his keys. This doesn't shock me. He loses them weekly and finds them pretty quickly. But, now his lost keys affect me. Now, I have to drive alllllll the way across town again to pick him up or take the extra key to him, which means I have about 20 minutes to get ready for work. Hours later, he still can't find his keys and we're looking at several hundred dollars to get replacement keys for the car and his truck, which have to be official replacement keys because of those stupid security sensors. Plus, his boss is going to be extra pissed because he has dozens of keys to school and park and rec buildings on that key ring. 

 I tell you all of this long drawn out and mundane crap because it makes sense when you consider it all together. These little things on any other day wouldn't have bothered me so badly. I would have brushed them off as bad luck and went on with my day. However, these were all little straws that were landing on the camel's back. And I am the camel.

 Watch out. They spit. (If you get that movie reference, you win a cookie.) 

 Last night, we decided that this would be our final cycle with the RE. We would declare ourselves as financially infertile after this cycle. At a cost of $1,200 for injects and IUI, we would have been eating away at our savings in big chunks. We both felt that putting ourselves in a financial bind was not the smart thing to do. We decided to make this our hail mary cycle and then go back to natural cycles. If the natural cycles didn't produce a miracle, then we would start applying for adoption. In the mean time, we were going to pad the savings for either more medicated cycles or to put towards adoption. 

 IF has taken an emotional toll on both of us. Me, probably more than DH. I sometimes feel like this is all my fault. The rational part of my brain tells me that IF is not my fault, but the other half always points to my Endo and weak O as where to blame. DH has a great sperm count. I feel broken that I can't get my body to act right. I know that I wouldn't blame him if he had sperm problems, but my head still persecutes me. 

 With that still on my mind all day knowing that this month could be the last cycle with a real chance at a BFP, I was depressed. Throw in a trip to the exact same Target store for my meds where I had the Great Breakdown Moment of 2013 in the Target Starbucks and I was sinking lower and lower. All those little interruptions in my plans today was like someone was taking jabs at my ankles and I was left with very little stability to stand on. 

 My drive to work was a battle as my eyes filled with tears and I was to the breaking point of CD 1, emotions over this cycle and the stress of the day. 

 I fought back tears as I didn't want to explain to coworkers what was wrong. I choked back emotions and signed in to my console and was ready to babysit the phone lines. 

 A few minutes into the shift, I decided to check my email. I had been busy all day (you've read this far so you can already see that) and I started shaking. 

 "Subject: Gonal F Match!!!" 

 The tears couldn't be held back any longer. I cried. I ugly cried from excitement and from relief. The donation from the IF OOP Donation Group on TB is enough for one cycle and maybe more.

 I won't know officially until tomorrow when I meet with the RE for my scan and injects protocol, but I know how huge this donation is. 

 It's the difference between one Hail Mary cycle and possibly a few cycles after that. It's the difference of me walking into the cycle scared, with very little hope of a 25% BFP chance to knowing that we have can do an IUI 3 and possibly IUI 4, if needed. 

 I know that I am not in this alone and that there are so many generous people out there who help each cycle whether it's by internet hugs, advice, support and shoulders to cry on. 

To my donor,I don't know if you read my blog or even if you know who I am on TB, but I can't thank you enough. The words aren't even appropriate to compensate for the generosity you have given me. But, I will say them anyways, "Thank you."

 

A post about nothing.

LOOK!!! Do you see it? Do you see my new bloggy blog blog? How does it look? After screwing with it for several days now to find out where that elusive green fade was located in the code, I gave up and said "I will fix that little green turd" and I promptly removed the entire code and put in a new template. Take that green turd. Go back to your code hades and leave my blog.

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Yesterday, I threw up while I was running. Not because of morning sickness or anything awesome like that. I swallowed a bug. I'm all for extra protein, but not in that variety. Swallowing it wasn't an option because that tiny flappy thing wouldn't go down my throat. I had to hack and hack until I finally threw it up. And then I continued my run. Determination. I haz it. 

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Still spotting. Still don't know why. I may have peed on a stick this morning. Be advised that I have the bad batch of wondfo HPTs and don't trust them.

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Remember this? 

It's now THIS! SQUEEE!!!

An obligatory uterus update

Y'all started out stalking my uterus on the blog. And then I won you over with my witty words and cute puppies. That's how y'all came to love me, right? 

Well, kisses on all of your heads. I love my ladies who comment and I tiny pink puffy heart my stalkers who don't ever talk to me. 

Why U No Comment, little lurkers?!?! Don't be shy. I promise only to make fun of you if you say stupid stuff. :) I need to give away free cash to those who comment. Yep. That's what I will do. If you comment, I will think real hard about giving someone a million dollars. (J/k if I had a million dollars I would be on a beach somewhere with no human interaction.)

To satisfy your lurky cravings, here's the sporadic reproductive update: 

I'm 10 dpo. And spotting. 

This can mean one of about 5 options. Number 1 and 2 are I'm pregnant or I'm not pregnant. 

No. 3 is implantation bleeding. We all know how much I believe in that shiz. I think Santa comes around more often than IB does. 

No. 4 is rough sex spotting. Only problem to that theory is I haven't had rough sex. 

No. 5 is the IF train is packing on more baggage and my LP is shortening or progesterone is plummeting fast. 

I am not temping, even though we weren't being monitored this month. Since it was a no meds/natural cycle, I only used OPKs even though I know I should have temped. 

Ain't nobody got time for that!!!

So here I wait. Just waiting impatiently for these last few days to go by and we can start the next cycle. I'm 90% positive that we will do this cycle as injects + IUI. 

If that doesn't work then I don't know where we go from there. No use thinking about it now though, am I right? 

Happy 9th Anniversary

DH, 

Nine years seems like yesterday. I was fresh out of college and with my first job as a newspaper reporter and you were finishing up your degree. We were the typical young, dumb and in love couple. We're not overly affectionate. While I may want you to be more romantic, I know that's never been you're style. 

But, I know that my car's oil will always be checked. If I have a flat tire, you will drop everything to come change it. You will even take my car for an oil change because I don't like driving over the open hole in the mechanics bay. 

When I'm at work, you will surprise me with a double doozie chocolate chip cookie from the Great American Cookie Co.

Will you take me on romantic trips with rosé petals on the bed and champagne in the ice? No.

But, you have brought me a beer when you've seen mine is empty and will bring me food when I'm hungry. You do my laundry and you clean the house. It's not an all-the-time occurrence but it's amazing that when I forget to wash jeans for work and I've barely survived consecutive night shifts, there are magically clean jeans in my closet.

You love to mow the yard. You're weird like that. I accept that you will mow it almost twice a week and ask me each time if it looks good. You've owned more vehicles in the first two years of your driving history than I've owned in my whole life. We counted one day and I think you're coming up on 35 vehicles now in 16 years since then. I accept that you're a closet used car sales man and you like to buy cars and then sale them days later. It's your thing. 

We've grown up together. Dating almost 5 years before our wedding, I think we've almost been together longer than then time we've been apart. Thank you for the days when you just let me cry because you don't know what to say. Thank you for letting me sleep, because you know I'm a cranky bear when I'm disturbed. Thank you for being you and letting me be me. 

Love,

Me

To celebrate our 9 year anniversary, we took our weenie to the vet for a dental, where she had four more teeth pulled. Poor thing has the worst teeth ever. 

While she was there, we ate at Japanese place where they cook in front of you and went shopping. I haven't been there in years because it's so far from where we live, but close when compared to the vet's office. As you can see in the upcoming pic, my fortune tells the whole story of us. 

The post in which I update everything

Warning. This may get long. 

I've been planning several blog posts for a while and for one reason or another, I always put them off. So, today is the day of updates on everything from my ute to my weight to my head. 

::pause for a moment while my drink lovers go pour a glass of wine or grab a beer:: 

The thing I'm most proud of myself for is the eating changes I made at the start of this cycle. As I have mentioned before, studies have shown an connection between Endometriosis and gluten, among other things. None of which are proven and there is no answer as to what causes Endo. ::end disclaimer portion of post::

Falling into this rabbit hole of research touched on another problem that I've been plagued with for at least the last 10+ years. A decade later, this research has changed my life. 

I remember my first migraine being around my college years. I graduated in 2003. 

Sidenote: typing that makes me feel so old. I just want to yell crotchety things to people. Get off my lawn whippersnappers! 

Anywho. Several doctor visits later and countless hours hugging the porcelain throne while wanting to curl up in a dark closet, I had no answer for the cause of my migraines. The doctor gave me a daily Rx. That made them worse. He gave me a Rx to use when I get one. That one helps but knocks me out in 15 minutes. I have to make sure I'm home before I can even take it for relief. Doctor Head (tehehehe) told me to keep track of my diet to find my triggers. I did and the only thing I could pinpoint was I needed caffeine like I needed air to breathe. I still got migraines after almost anything i ate. Sunlight is the only other connection. If I'm outside with no glasses, hat or shade for longer than 30 minutes, then hello freight train in my head. 

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I have gradually been trying to cut back on gluten and figure out recipes and how to work it around our lives without making a complete drastic life altering moment for me and DH. When I cook at home, I don't fry anything. I use coconut oil and cook fresh veggies and meats. Basically, anything with flour, wheat flour or bread in it is off limits. 

If I go out, I stick to grilled options and away from sandwiches. I am not living gluten free, per say, but my intake has been cut back drastically. 

And guess what, I have only had 1 migraine since.

I blame it on a moment of taste bud orgasm and coconut cake. I ate the piece of cake at 8 pm and woke up the next morning with a headache. It doesn't take rocket science to tell me that cake tried to kill me. 

Overall, I feel great. I'm eating more fruits and veggies and more white meats. With this change, I'm also cutting back on red meat. DH doesn't like red meat too much so this has been easy. And, I have an order placed for 8 pounds of freshly filleted tilapia from our nearby fish farm. 

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Along the same lines, I've started exercising more. I've mentioned the Couch to 5k program I am doing and that's going great. 

In total, I've walked/jogged/ran 15.58 miles in three weeks. My work schedule makes it difficult to run every other day or three times a week sometimes, but I'm making it work. Slowly, but surely. I'm technically done with week 2 of the program, but I have two friends who started the week after me, so I'm going to repeat week 2 and let them catch up so we will be on the same pace. 

Our plan is to run in the Color Me Rad in September. I'm overly excited about this and can't wait to do my first official 5k. Since starting the routine, someone asked if I had plans to run in an event. I searched local events and had a few ideas but this one makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside to mark it as my first official I-will-run-this-entire-5k-event.

There are a couple local festivals that I may register and use them as training days, but the Color Me Rad is my ultimate goal to be in shape and run it start to finish. 

The great Bumpie Spookster gave me the idea of logging my miles on my blog sidebar. During part of my blog redesign, I will add that counter in to help keep track and motivate myself. 

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Physically, I feel better. My mental state is an up and down daily roller coaster, but I try to think about my physical accomplishments and not the negative right now. 

I'm not fat. But I am trying to get away from my heaviest weight from last year at 134. 

Granted, I know that isn't overweight, by any means, but it was a moment for me that I realized I had let myself get lazy. I'm working towards getting my body in better shape, and if I lose weight in the process, then good. I am down to 124, with 6 of those pounds being lost in the past month. 

I am built on a tiny frame and have ALWAYS been small. I weighed less than 100 pounds when I graduated high school, back before the turn of the century. 

Get off my Lawn and Turn down your Music Whippersnappers! 

I don't want to be that small again. I looked like a sick child, but I swear I ate. I ate A.Lot! 

My goal is to eat healthy and complete my workouts. I have no weight goal in mind, since I don't want to put a number on it. 

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Last update, I swear and you can get up and get another beer. 

As for TTC, I am 7 dpo and still no closer to a decision for next cycle. I also wish I would have asked for a P4 test this cycle to see how strong my O was, but it wouldn't make any difference, I guess? 

Thanks for reading my updates. Y'all deserve cookies for making it to the end. Spookster has caramel delights that she will share since I can't have any. Lol

Hugs, kisses and bewbie squishes to everyone of you!!!!!1!1!1!

Confused but still moving towards something

It's confusing where to go from here.

We have several options. A medicated injects cycle with IUI, medicated Femara with IUI or go back to unmedicated cycles and try on our own.

The first is more expensive and upwards of $1,200 for one cycle. The chance of it working is 25%.

That's much better than the 9% chance with Femara and IUI. I don't even want to think about the chance of getting a BFP on a natural cycle, because I know it's low enough to trample all over any hopes that I have.

While I wish to become pregnant and carry my own child more than anything else, I know that there is a chance it may never happen. If we had endless finances or IF insurance coverage the chance of that happening would be probable. We would continue spending money or doing what insurance would cover. But that's no where near an option.

Right now, we are faced with the question of "Should we use all of your savings on IF treatments which don't provide a promise of a baby at the end?" or "Should we stop IF treatments and save up for adoption?"

There is no guarantee with adoption either and it contains many pitfalls and opportunities for disappointment and heartache, but it seems like the logical option for growing our family. We know one family who has done Domestic Infant Adoption and a couple others that have done foster to adopt.

I don't have an answer to the life altering questions right now, but it's something that's constantly on my mind. I need to focus on today and not worry about tomorrow yet, but not having a plan feels like I am giving up or not fully putting my heart into everything. Double edged sword is how I would describe how it feels better to research and educate myself on all the options, but the flip side is painful because I don't know that I will ever be ready to move on to the next step. Maybe because I haven't exhausted all of the efforts yet to get pregnant ourselves?

That is key in the step towards adoption is that you have to mourn what you can't have. You have to face that IF has won and move on towards a family in another route.

I'm rambling and this may make very little sense to someone outside my head, but it feels better to get it out.

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In TTC news, I am 5 DPO on an unmedicated cycle. I would like to see if my RE would run a P4 test to see if I O'ed well enough on my own. However, I know it wouldn't make much difference in the long run.