The moment when...

The moment when your hair stylist asks if you're there just for a trim.

::pause::

"No. Cut it."

I lost about six inches of hair today. Squeeeeee. It's been years since I've had it this short.

DH doesn't know yet. Uhmmmmm ... SURPRISE!!!

(Example pic below)

Insurance update!

You guys! You guys!

Guess what? Insurance realized it had a case of cranial rectal inversion and finally removed its head from its ass. They're covering my Lap surgery!

I think.

I'm going to call them later to confirm but I just received another EOB which says that they covered the Lap and Dr A's bill. So as long as they don't change their minds again, I think everything's going to be OK.

I can't thank you all enough for all the words of encouragement, e-Hugs and kind thoughts. You helped keep my spirits up when I was very, very low.

TTC news: Today is probably O day. I'm not feeling great about our timing this month. I've been on night shifts and either DH isn't home when I leave or we have to have really early morning sex, which means I have to wake him up when I get home from work. If today is O, then we only have hit 3-O and 1-O. He leaves for work right after I get home this morning. If he makes it home from work before I leave then we may have another chance. It would make me feel better about our timing if we could.

CD 11 Ultrasound

Thank goodness my perpetual state of sadness has lifted. I'm finally starting to feel better about this cycle.

Today I went in for my mid cycle US. It was CD 11 after taking Femara 2.5 mg on CD 3-7. I really think the moodiness and sadness was a side effect of the Femara. I had some headaches and general irritability but nothing as bad as the level of blah that I felt. It was like when I got the bottom of my sadness, then I realized there was a freakin underground garage and seven more layers of sadness below. I'm glad I was able to see some light at the end of the tunnel and start feeling better. I was getting kinda worried about myself.

My US went well. Dr A said I have a 18 mm follie on my left and there was a smaller one on my right. He didn't tell me the measurement on it but said it's a few days behind the other. He said I will likely O with the left on Sunday or Monday. My lining looked good and there were no cysts.

As good as that news was to hear, the best part of my appointment came before that, moments after I shucked my pants and waited for the dildo cam. I was expecting Dr A to come in with one nurse to do the US. Instead, he comes in and immediately says you're the one with the insurance problem, right? I said yes. All of a sudden three others are in there telling me not to worry and that they will take care of it. Dr A said they would wait until insurance finalizes this current review and then he and Wonder Woman Mary would speak to them and request a peer to peer review with Dr A to the insurance. He said this had never happened before and he was completely baffled as to why they would deny a surgery as medically unnecessary especially when Endo and a cyst were removed.

I swear if I hadn't been sans pants I would have hugged them all.

Taking the bad with the good

Sometimes I'm glad that there's a mute button on my 911 phone so the caller can't hear me repeatedly hitting my head against my desk.

I'm serious. You have no idea how many calls I take completely with my head laying on the desk.

I figure that if I can't reach through the phone and smack them then I will just beat my head until I feel better.

It's true in every 911 center that the dispatcher who has a personal connection to a certain disease, medical issue or what have you will be the one who ALWAYS gets that certain call. One of my partners has diabetic family members and she always gets the diabetic emergencies. Others get all the cardiac cases. Same thing with strokes.

Me? I get all the pregnant women. Or childbirth.

Nothing pokes at my infertility deeper than a 19 year old in labor with her second child. Nothing pisses me off more than that little ignorant twat who can't keep her legs together screaming in the background to get the ambulance there NOW because she's had Two Contractions! And to add further insult, her first child was taken away from her.

It's not all bad though. I'm still looking forward to the day when I can help deliver a baby via 911. It's a rare thing for a dispatcher. EMS is usually close enough to people nowadays that they make it before the baby comes. EMS usually gets to catch the baby a lot more times than 911 ever gets to help instruct a delivery.

One day I will tell you guys about the hardest call I ever answered. Today, it's still too raw. Even though it happened three years ago, today is the birthday and unfortunately the day that a tiny precious baby didn't live but a few sweet hours. It's the saddest, yet most heart squeezing call that I've ever had the privilege to be a part of.

One day I will share it. Today, I'm just going to lay my head on my desk and try to remember that even though some calls are painful to take, that good things can come from them.

Tiny sliver of silver lining

Wonder Woman Mary is hopefully going to live up to her name. I swear if she gets this figured out I will take the entire office cupcakes! Heck, I may even name my child after her or at least nickname her Wonder Woman.

WW called me back today and oh man is she pissed.

"I take this personally," she said. "You girls are my responsibility. You have enough to deal with to have to deal with this too."

Seriously WW I've cried enough lately, but your caring and support has been above and beyond.

As of right now, we still don't have it figured out. She spoke to insurance today who said the claim is under review. Her advice is to wait to call back when the review is final. At that point, she will speak to a provider rep and find out the billed codes and other insurance mumbo jumbo. If needed Dr A will send a letter explaining the medical necessity.

What brightened my spirits more than anything else was that WW said this has never been denied before. She said they have problems with insurance all the time but it always gets worked out in one way or another. But, even she said that this situation was ridiculous and has never had insurance ultimately deny a Lap where Endo and a cyst were actually found and removed.

Fingers crossed that she is right!

The day I had a meltdown at Target

I watched mom after mom stroll their baby into Target. Diaper bags hanging. Babies sleeping snuggly in their comfy carriers.

One by one they crossed my path, each looking away quickly when they realized they were staring into my tear filled eyes. None of them knew that at that moment I wished to be one of them so badly.

Moment before while trying to eat half of a Zaxbys salad with my Mom, I finally got connected to an insurance rep following a long waiting period. I walked outside and learned from the rep that insurance was denying my Lap surgery from January 10.

Why? I can't even tell you because I don't know. The rep couldn't tell me either. She said it was sent in as an unlisted procedure which insurance deemed medically unnecessary. I tried to reason with her. I tried to explain Endo and the cyst. She was polite, as polite as she was trained to be. Not overly helpful, but at least she wasn't rude like the last rep I spoke to.

The claim is being reviewed. Again. I've called my REs office Wonder Woman Mary. Again. She's on my side and is willing to go to bat for me and speak to insurance.

I'm out of tears. If we have to pay this $9,000 surgery plus nearly $2,000 in dr bills it will eat up our savings. TTC will be put on hold indefinitely. I'm out of hope. With each fallen tear, I've lost hope that this will all turn out fine.

I've been in the dumps lately anyways. This was the final straw that broke me. I can't even count how many times I cried yesterday. When I would think "I'm all out of tears" they would start welling up again. At one point DH thought I had finally fallen asleep on the couch but quickly realized that I was crying. Again. He's been amazing through it all and is trying to remain hopeful.

I'm glad he's got a little bit of hope because I've lost all of mine. It took me almost 24 hours to write this post because every time I tried to get it written out, the tears would start again.

I'm still waiting on Wonder Woman Mary to call me back. I will update later if she has anything to say that will help. Otherwise, we will keep appealing the decision.

Thanks to the 3T girls on The Bump who helped with hugs and advice yesterday. You guys are awesome and I don't know what I would do without having someone like you guys to vent to and get words of wisdom from.

The moment when ...

The moment when a car revs it's engine beside you. Without making eye contact, you pull away. The car speeds up, stays right beside you. You get scared that your road neighbor had rage and is going to hurt you.

That's the moment you see your 2 year old nephew in the backseat waving furiously to get Auntie L's attention and your brother laughing his head off.

I've worked at 911 too long. I always think the worst is about to happen.

Fertility new: day 3 of Femara. Headaches and general bitchiness. I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps lately. I haven't felt this low in a while for a continuous span of time. I hope it goes away soon.

Planning a garden is helping to take my mind off things. It will be my first ever garden of my own. My dad always had a garden when I was little so I hope I can teach my thumb to be green like his.