I can't help stupid

At 911, I would guess that about 10 percent of our calls are true emergencies. Death is right around the corner. Patient is circling the drain. We might as well send the coroner with the police. You know? The real scary crap you see on TV. The ones that send your butthole pucker factor to level 10.

About 40 percent are the "get them there quick before shit goes farther south" kind of calls.

The others range from needing reports for lost wallet, minor traffic accident, tree in the road, water leak, child custody, etc. they're what's called a non-emergency but still require an officer, road crew or other personnel.

Then there are the truly special calls. As a dispatcher you may get a real stupid stupid stupid call like 1 percent of the time.

Today, I got that call. Before I share the transcript, go hug your local 911 dispatchers, firemen, paramedics and police officers. Or better yet take them a Chil Fil A chicken minis tray. They deserve medals for the shat they put up with daily.

Prepare for stupid:

911: where is your emergency?
Caller: I live at xxxxxx road and someone broke into my vehicle last night.

911: tell me exactly what happened.
C: I came outside and the window is busted out.

911: Is anything missing?
C: I don't know I haven't unlocked the truck yet. The window is not actually broken. The entire window is missing. Someone stole my window.

911: (pause. I'm thinking) Sir, is the window rolled down?
C: uhhhhhh... Let me check.

911: Go check. I will wait.
C: uhhhh ... Yeah the window was rolled down. Nothing is missing.

And that is when I died from laughter.