What's next?

Sometimes I wish I had all the answers. If I knew that it would take 10 more TI cycles, then I would do that. If I knew I would need IVF, then I would learn 100 ways to make Ramen noodles and save every penny. If I knew the exact means it would take to get the end result then I would do what needs to be done.

Life would be so much easier if we just knew the answer and could work towards it without all the other unanswered questions getting in the way.

I called Dr A and I have been granted my wish to move on to IUI. My feelings are so mixed about this that I don't know whether to feel excited or upset. DH isn't convinced that we need to take the next step into more extensive IF treatments.

His words were, "It's like stepping back to shoot a 3 pointer when a layup will win you the game."

While I understand his logic, he doesn't comprehend the other concerns of wasting money on Femara each month when the chance of success is slim. Right now, it's $140 each month for 5mg of Femara. The odds of conceiving with TI are low, some studies showing less than 5% while others show it around 10%.

With IUI, the chance of conception jumps to approximately 20% in some studies. Now, I know that each study is different and they're all different with what IF diagnosis they are studying, but the thing that worries me the most is that Endo can grow back.

My SIL is proof of this. She's had three laps done to remove stage 4 Endo. Dr A said right after my lap that my best chance will be within the first 6 months. So why would we use 5 of those 6 months doing TI when we could have a better chance with IUI?

My biggest issue is parting with more money. I just now paid off the lap surgery, which ate a big chunk out of our savings. I would like to get that to a better place again. I know that it's just money and I need to accept it, but in the back of my mind, I know how much we can afford to spend on IF and the financial burden of it is bothering me.

I need to just stop thinking about it and adding the costs up over and over again. I'm hoping that as time passes that I will stop worrying about it.

Here's the plan for this month: Femara 5 mg again. I responded well to it so were going to stick with what's working. My midcycle US will be on CD 13. I O'ed on CD 13 this cycle so if it lines up like the previous cycle then we will go ahead of do the IUI at the same appointment. I think DH is pretty nervous about doing his job at the doctors office. He wants to know if I can come in and help him. Lol. I'm not sure of the answer to this. We do live close enough that he could do it at home, but there's also the issue of him having to take off work to do it.

We will deal with it when that day comes, I guess.

The next step, which is kinda related, but not, is to tell my family that were not going to the beach with them. I'm 90% sure that we won't go for financial reasons. Even though mom is insisting that they will pay, I don't want her to. It's not her job to pay for my vacation. But I also don't want to feel guilted into going just because we will be the only ones not going on the family trip.

Happy tears. Sad tears.

In less than 24 hours my face went from happy to sad to crying to depressed to red, swollen and poofy eyed.

When my nephew was a baby, I had the privilege of babysitting him one day a week. One of the easiest ways to get him to stop crying was to run my hand up and down my face turning my frown to a smile saying "Happy face.... Sad face." I could play this trick for hours and he would laugh every time. As a toddler, he still laughs and now tells me to make a Happy Face, run his hand down my face, and then says, "Saaaaad face."

The journey through IF is one giant game of Happy Face/Sad Face while constantly putting on a happy face when all you feel is sad inside.

In the past 24 hours I went from not spotting and being very hopeful that I would get a BFP to spotting and a BFN.

I went home after night shift, saw the spotting and immediately went to my bottle of wine. I wanted to do everything perfect this cycle, from drinking a lake's worth of water, eating pineapple core, eating healthy, exercising to relax and no alcohol.

It didn't work. I broke the news to DH that AF was here and he is just as disappointed as me. He was also convinced that this was it. Our hopes were high.

Moments later, mom shared the news that my aunt and uncle are pregnant. They have dealt with at least one miscarriage and IF. In that moment, I learned it is possible to feel equal parts of happiness and sadness at the exact same time.

How is it that you can be so happy for someone, but not be able to hold back the tears of pain?

This weekend is going to be tough. Plans are already in place for my great uncles memorial gathering. My aunt and uncle will share their news with the rest of the extended family. While I am glad that my mom warned me, I'm not sure how I will be able to handle the informal get together/memorial service. In the back of my mind, I want to skip it. Right now, I can't fathom making it through with breaking down and crying. I know I could blame it on the memorial side of it, but how do I explain it when they make their announcement and everyone's excited and starts looking towards me and DH who are the only ones left without children?

The dreaded "when are you going to have a baby?" question always comes up. I've tried the non chalant answers and I've been down right rude before, but I've not come out about our IF struggles to our family besides my brother, sister in law, and parents. Tonight, I gave my mom permission to tell my aunt and uncle. I want them to know why I may not seem excited on the outside. How do you explain to someone that the excitement and happiness I feel is real, when tears are streaming down my cheeks and I can't make eye contact?

Anyways, enough sadness.

Dr A wants us to try Femara and TI for two more cycles. After some discussion with some smart expert ladies from TB, I'm going to discuss moving onto IUI this cycle. As Jschwind and Curlz pointed out, Endo can regrow. The best shot to get pregnant is within 6 months post Lap. We're already three months post Lap and I am tired of not being more proactive, especially since I feel like I'm up against more of a faster ticking clock with the Endo.

So there ya go. That's a shit ton of suck all in one post. If you made it through it then stick a smile on your face and give me an Internet hug. I could really use one right now. And a beer.

Six hours later

Six hours is all it took after my last post for my body to do what it always does.

Spotting. Eff it all.

FYI, 6:20 am is a perfectly acceptable time to host a pity party, guest list of 1. Wine provided.

I will be stocking up for my CD 1 survival kit. The kit will includes lots of beer. And maybe some fattening food.

Eff you IF. I hate you and the flucking bloody train you ride in on.

12 DPO

I'm going to sound like a know-it-all-newbie right now when I say I always spot on 12 DPO.

Well, guess what? No spotting. Nada. Not one tiny bit.

Guess what else? BFN.

Ugh. I know it could be too early, but come on. We all know that 12 DPO isn't considered unreasonably early to turn a test positive. So of course my mind is saying that the BFN is correct.

I'm trying to keep my hopes up and not seeing any spotting has helped but I know that my cycle can change at any time and maybe I won't have spotting at all this month before AF.

Thanks to months of hoarding wondfo pee sticks, I will probably pee on another one tomorrow. God knows that I have plenty. I've peed on more today and yesterday than I have in the past 6 months.

From the toilet...

I get the same feeling everytime I get an email from my insurance company. Or a letter from the hospital. Or a bill from my RE arrives.
It's like a special blend of "How fast can my stomach contents be thrown up or shat out?" My mind always goes to the worst case scenario. As insane as it sounds, I've gotten used to receiving $20,000 bills in the mail from the hospital.
So when a hospital insurance rep called me recently, it was a good thing I was already sitting on the toilet because I would have soiled myself when she told me the most recent news. (Apparently, I like to sit on the toilet when I speak to people I hate. I also conduct a lot of internet research and important tasks on the toilet.)
The rep whose name rhymes with Valvoline said that insurance and the hospital had FINALLY come to an agreement and insurance was covering the portion that they were originally supposed to cover.
THANK YOU BABY JESUS!
And because Valvoline was actually a fantastic rep and wonderful human being she explained to me that if the hospital and insurance had been able to remove their heads from their asses faster than more than 3 MONTHS after my surgery, then I would have been eligible for a 20 percent discount before March 1. Luckily, I had spoken to Valvoline on Feb. 28 and learned of this discount option. I told her that I could pay it in full if they would ever give me a correct total. So, the wonderul chick went to her supervisor and had them override it.
So, not only did I finally get the 80 percent covered by insurance, which left me with a $1,800 bill, but I was able to get almost $400 discount by paying it in full. Woohooo!!!!
At this point, I still owe my RE, the guy who put me to sleep and some outstanding RE bills. But at least I finally have a total for everything now.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get off the toilet.

P4 update

Wonder Woman Mary called me back.

My progesterone on 6 DPO was 11.4!!!!

I had to get it drawn a day early because of my work schedule so she said it could have been a little higher on 7 DPO. Dr A wanted it above 10, so we were both happy with this number.

Because of this, he's happy with the way my body is responding to 5mg of Femara. If I don't get a BFP, then we will continue Femara and TI for two more months before talking about IUI.

I am choosing not to think about that though, because today I am actually very hopeful for this cycle. I know I'm setting myself up for a bigger fall if AF shows, but for now, I'm hanging onto hope.

I suck.

I'm sucking lately at this blogging thing. I'm exhausted from work and keep thinking that I will post something "later" and then later never comes.

I meant to post my P4 results before now but Dr A hasn't called with them yet. I just left a message so hopefully I will post the number later.

Anyshat, I deleted two FB friends this morning. One posted she was pregnant as an April Fools joke. The other posted a pic of the Louisville players leg injury, which is just poor taste when people are scrolling and not prepared to see that shat.