Happy tears. Sad tears.

In less than 24 hours my face went from happy to sad to crying to depressed to red, swollen and poofy eyed.

When my nephew was a baby, I had the privilege of babysitting him one day a week. One of the easiest ways to get him to stop crying was to run my hand up and down my face turning my frown to a smile saying "Happy face.... Sad face." I could play this trick for hours and he would laugh every time. As a toddler, he still laughs and now tells me to make a Happy Face, run his hand down my face, and then says, "Saaaaad face."

The journey through IF is one giant game of Happy Face/Sad Face while constantly putting on a happy face when all you feel is sad inside.

In the past 24 hours I went from not spotting and being very hopeful that I would get a BFP to spotting and a BFN.

I went home after night shift, saw the spotting and immediately went to my bottle of wine. I wanted to do everything perfect this cycle, from drinking a lake's worth of water, eating pineapple core, eating healthy, exercising to relax and no alcohol.

It didn't work. I broke the news to DH that AF was here and he is just as disappointed as me. He was also convinced that this was it. Our hopes were high.

Moments later, mom shared the news that my aunt and uncle are pregnant. They have dealt with at least one miscarriage and IF. In that moment, I learned it is possible to feel equal parts of happiness and sadness at the exact same time.

How is it that you can be so happy for someone, but not be able to hold back the tears of pain?

This weekend is going to be tough. Plans are already in place for my great uncles memorial gathering. My aunt and uncle will share their news with the rest of the extended family. While I am glad that my mom warned me, I'm not sure how I will be able to handle the informal get together/memorial service. In the back of my mind, I want to skip it. Right now, I can't fathom making it through with breaking down and crying. I know I could blame it on the memorial side of it, but how do I explain it when they make their announcement and everyone's excited and starts looking towards me and DH who are the only ones left without children?

The dreaded "when are you going to have a baby?" question always comes up. I've tried the non chalant answers and I've been down right rude before, but I've not come out about our IF struggles to our family besides my brother, sister in law, and parents. Tonight, I gave my mom permission to tell my aunt and uncle. I want them to know why I may not seem excited on the outside. How do you explain to someone that the excitement and happiness I feel is real, when tears are streaming down my cheeks and I can't make eye contact?

Anyways, enough sadness.

Dr A wants us to try Femara and TI for two more cycles. After some discussion with some smart expert ladies from TB, I'm going to discuss moving onto IUI this cycle. As Jschwind and Curlz pointed out, Endo can regrow. The best shot to get pregnant is within 6 months post Lap. We're already three months post Lap and I am tired of not being more proactive, especially since I feel like I'm up against more of a faster ticking clock with the Endo.

So there ya go. That's a shit ton of suck all in one post. If you made it through it then stick a smile on your face and give me an Internet hug. I could really use one right now. And a beer.