I swear I need to write a book. If me and all the other 911 dispatchers of the world got our warped minds together, we would be dangerous.
Here are some of our most recent dandy callers.
(Scene: It's 2:30 a.m. It's dark outside.)
911: Where is your emergency?
Caller: There's a bright light flashing in the sky, up above the mountain. I've lived here 29 years and I've never seen anything like this before.
*Apparently, the caller has never seen a plane in the night sky in all of his 29 years.
______________
911: Where is your emergency?
Caller: I've been robbed right here.
911: Where were you robbed?
Caller: Right here.
911: Where are you?
Caller: Right here.
911: ::headdesk::
911: What's your address?
Caller: I don't know.
(This is the point where my brain usually explodes. Eventually, this grown man figured out that alcohol and showing off his money to drug dealing friends does not mix.)
______________
Caller: I would like to talk to the officer who I talked to earlier today.
911: Which officer was it?
Caller: I don't know. He was wearing a uniform. He had short hair, about 5'8 and a pot belly.
911: (thinking ... ) Ma'am, I hate to say this, but that's what they all look like.
Caller: He was driving a black car.
911: (laughing) You're not helping me.
Caller: He wasn't very good looking.
911: Now we're getting somewhere.
Caller: He had a dip in his mouth.
911: I know exactly who you are talking about.
_____________
TTC News: Our beach trip is going to coincide with FW and O should be right around the time we come back. We're going to continue with Femara 5 mg this cycle but no IUI. We're just going to sex it up and take a mental break from treatment. I will get my midcycle scan before we leave. I'm actually kinda glad for a little break -- from work, life and medical intervention.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
CD 1. It's time for a new beginning.
I wish I was a better writer so I could hodge podge some words together that would properly express how I feel. Sad. Disappointed. Depressed. Upset. Angry. Failure.
Not one of those words encompasses the true meaning of what I feel like today.
Even though this is possibly the lowest point along this journey, I also had a small epiphany today. But first, let me talk about how I have been feeling lately.
My hopes were high for this cycle. Too high, actually. With the cycle being paid for and the post wash sperm count so high, I was too optimistic that it would work. There's a fine line that you have to walk with IF. When you get too far to the right or left of too hopeful or too depressed, you fall off that line. And it's hard to get back to that central location where everything feels OK. Hell, I'm not even sure you can tightrope that line. I feel like I am constantly on one side or the other, taking drunken steps while holding my fingers up my nose and looking like a monkey humping a football. That is IF for me.
I realized my attitude and life was headed too low during a birthday party for my 1 year old niece. Don't get me wrong. I love her with all of my heart. She's the funniest little goofball and she has an amazing ability to smile and laugh at everyone. She truly loves people. But, I couldn't fully enjoy those moments.
I had to work that morning and was just coming off a bad call before I took off early to go to the party. We had an elderly lady die in a house fire and I still had her on my mind when I walked into the party. The niceties of "How are you?" "How's life?" "How's work?" were tossed around by some family and friends and all I could say was "Fine." But inside I was screaming, "You don't really want to know. If you did, you would see that my face is flipped upside down and my heart is on my sleeve. You would see that I am two seconds away from crying at any moment. But other than that, Oh I am swell."
There was some very awkward tense moments between my mom and I as I dropped her off back at her car. She cares about my IF. I know she does. She just doesn't know how to deal with it. Hell, I don't even know how to deal with it somedays. But somedays, all I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to during the hard time, not just on the days of my IUI or doctor's visits. My friends and family who know about our IF don't call anymore. And I have stopped calling them or texting them to let them know what's going on. I feel like all we ever get is our hopes up and then bad news so we end up disappointing people. I don't want to feel like I am constantly whining to people so I just keep it inside.
And inside me is where is stays until one bad feeling stacks on top of another bad feeling and then another and another. That's where they stay until the feelings all tumble down in one giant mass of crap.
Throw in a little piece of jealousy, slab of anger and a brick of guilt, and you will have a lifesize Jenga game in the shape of Me. All it takes is one piece pulled out of place and I will come crumbling to the ground.
These words bring me to the epiphany part of my story. Once again, the life changing moment took place on the shitter. All of life's greatest moments happen on the shitter. That's normally when my insurance company likes to call me and attempt to make me cry. The toilet is also where I beat a lot of my Candy Crush levels. It's also where I get away from DH with my fake bathroom issues. (Oh come on. Admit it. You have faked a stomach pain to get some time alone from the husband or dogs.)
So during my Pity Party, party of one, I realized that I have lost me in all of this. My life revolves around my cycle. I can tell you what CD I am on and what work shift I am currently on, but I can't tell you what day of the week it is. I also can't tell you when I did something for me, solely for my own enjoyment. (Besides my pedicure recently, but even that was DH's idea and he paid for it and made my date arrangement with my friend. If you knew my DH in real life, you would think he is a hard ass, but he can be a softie sometimes. Just don't tell him that you know. He likes the bad ass persona.)
I'm going back to me. I'm going to find me and get lost again in myself. Recently, one of my Bump friends said she doesn't let IF define her life. But, I was letting it define me.
Not anymore. I'm done with letting it rule everything in my life. I am done having IF and TTC be the end all and be all of my existence. From here on out, I am making some vows to myself.
The last one is the most important.
Not one of those words encompasses the true meaning of what I feel like today.
Even though this is possibly the lowest point along this journey, I also had a small epiphany today. But first, let me talk about how I have been feeling lately.
My hopes were high for this cycle. Too high, actually. With the cycle being paid for and the post wash sperm count so high, I was too optimistic that it would work. There's a fine line that you have to walk with IF. When you get too far to the right or left of too hopeful or too depressed, you fall off that line. And it's hard to get back to that central location where everything feels OK. Hell, I'm not even sure you can tightrope that line. I feel like I am constantly on one side or the other, taking drunken steps while holding my fingers up my nose and looking like a monkey humping a football. That is IF for me.
I realized my attitude and life was headed too low during a birthday party for my 1 year old niece. Don't get me wrong. I love her with all of my heart. She's the funniest little goofball and she has an amazing ability to smile and laugh at everyone. She truly loves people. But, I couldn't fully enjoy those moments.
I had to work that morning and was just coming off a bad call before I took off early to go to the party. We had an elderly lady die in a house fire and I still had her on my mind when I walked into the party. The niceties of "How are you?" "How's life?" "How's work?" were tossed around by some family and friends and all I could say was "Fine." But inside I was screaming, "You don't really want to know. If you did, you would see that my face is flipped upside down and my heart is on my sleeve. You would see that I am two seconds away from crying at any moment. But other than that, Oh I am swell."
There was some very awkward tense moments between my mom and I as I dropped her off back at her car. She cares about my IF. I know she does. She just doesn't know how to deal with it. Hell, I don't even know how to deal with it somedays. But somedays, all I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to during the hard time, not just on the days of my IUI or doctor's visits. My friends and family who know about our IF don't call anymore. And I have stopped calling them or texting them to let them know what's going on. I feel like all we ever get is our hopes up and then bad news so we end up disappointing people. I don't want to feel like I am constantly whining to people so I just keep it inside.
And inside me is where is stays until one bad feeling stacks on top of another bad feeling and then another and another. That's where they stay until the feelings all tumble down in one giant mass of crap.
Throw in a little piece of jealousy, slab of anger and a brick of guilt, and you will have a lifesize Jenga game in the shape of Me. All it takes is one piece pulled out of place and I will come crumbling to the ground.
These words bring me to the epiphany part of my story. Once again, the life changing moment took place on the shitter. All of life's greatest moments happen on the shitter. That's normally when my insurance company likes to call me and attempt to make me cry. The toilet is also where I beat a lot of my Candy Crush levels. It's also where I get away from DH with my fake bathroom issues. (Oh come on. Admit it. You have faked a stomach pain to get some time alone from the husband or dogs.)
So during my Pity Party, party of one, I realized that I have lost me in all of this. My life revolves around my cycle. I can tell you what CD I am on and what work shift I am currently on, but I can't tell you what day of the week it is. I also can't tell you when I did something for me, solely for my own enjoyment. (Besides my pedicure recently, but even that was DH's idea and he paid for it and made my date arrangement with my friend. If you knew my DH in real life, you would think he is a hard ass, but he can be a softie sometimes. Just don't tell him that you know. He likes the bad ass persona.)
I'm going back to me. I'm going to find me and get lost again in myself. Recently, one of my Bump friends said she doesn't let IF define her life. But, I was letting it define me.
Not anymore. I'm done with letting it rule everything in my life. I am done having IF and TTC be the end all and be all of my existence. From here on out, I am making some vows to myself.
- I vow to get my camera out everyday. I will not have another moment of sadness when I start to take a picture at a birthday party and realize the last picture I took was on Christmas Day. Photography was my passion. I am going to find that passion again.
- I vow to read more books.
- I vow to make my trip to Edisto Island with my family fun and I will not let my IF bring me down.
- I vow to not ignore my feelings and I will express them to someone or to you guys here in my little blog that I treat like a diary.
- I vow to take the time for me. On Mother's Day, I will be at the beach with family. DH and I are planning on taking a day for ourselves and run away to enjoy the day together. I will not feel guilty for this.
- I vow to find a new hobby, something crafty maybe. I may learn to knit. The options are still being juggled in my mind for this one. I am open to suggestions.
- I vow to cook healthy meals at home.
- I vow to cook biscuit and gravy for supper at least once a month because it is DH's favorite. Rules are made to be broken. See the previous promise.
- I vow to treat my body in a more healthy fashion, whether it be more exercise, eating better, etc.
The last one is the most important.
- I vow to not let Infertility define me. I will have sad moments. I will have happy moments. But they will only be moments. They will not last for days without end. Because this too shall pass.
Monday, April 29, 2013
CD 25 / 12 DPO
I know it's still early. I know the BFN that I got this morning could be too early to tell but let's be honest, we all know I'm a pessimist and I believe this cycle is already a bust.
I'm off work today. I kinda wish I was working so I could keep my mind off of it.
Right now, I'm bummed. The anger and general suckage of life will come later.
If this cycle is a BFN, this next month is going to be hard. I will fill y'all in on it later if it comes to that.
I'm off work today. I kinda wish I was working so I could keep my mind off of it.
Right now, I'm bummed. The anger and general suckage of life will come later.
If this cycle is a BFN, this next month is going to be hard. I will fill y'all in on it later if it comes to that.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Well...what is that?
Ever have that moment, when you've been monitoring your cycles for so long that you know when a headache is progesterone increased headache, your bowels coincide with certain CDs and you can almost predict the hour you will start spotting?
No? Just me.
Someone answer this riddle. WHY? How is it possible that I have never spotted before 12 DPO before? BUT here it is 10 DPO and guess what? Yep. Spotting.
Son of a Kitten SPOTTING.
Now, I could be one of those constantly hopeful and wishful morons who thinks this is Implantation Bleeding. But, we all know I am a Negative Nancy. My mind does not look at a half full glass. My mind sees it as a half empty glass and the sudden urge to pee while on a 911 call.
Sidenote, nothing will make you more aware of your bladder than a 911 call lasting over 5 minutes. It never fails. If a call is going to become something that you have to sit through for the 2 hour duration, you will feel the need to pee about 5 minutes into the call.
Don't think that I am above telling the Shift Commander to tell his boys to cool their dicks with traffic stops so I can take a potty break.
Totally different topic, which has no transition, except that I said dicks in the previous sentence and my mind went, OH WAIT SPERM!
I don't think I ever included DH's SA results from the IUI. I meant to but I don't completely understand how it works so I asked the geniuses at TB and this is what I learned.
DH results:
Count: 77 mil
Volume: 3.5 ml
Motility: 51
Total motility: 137 x10 6th/ml
Post wash concentration: 234 x10 6th/ml
Post wash motile: 43
Post wash total motile: 40x 10 6th/ml
Here is the reply from KatiB who explains it the best.
"If his original count was 77mil/ml times 3.5ml then his original count total was 269,500,000. (ie 269.5 mil). They spun it around so the bad swimmers fell to the bottom and skimmed the good fellas off the top.
It sounds like they ended up putting 0.6 ml back in you, which based on the post wash concentration 234mil/ml times 0.6 is 140 million sperm of which 43% was motile (140mil times .43 = 42 million swimming sperm). If I am wrong and it was .4ml put back in you then it's 93 million sperm at 43% motility which still equals 40 million swimmers.
Either way - that is an amazing post wash!"
I wanted to add those numbers in here at some point, because I will eventually forget them. That's one of the reasons I really like blogging about this journey. This site helps me remember what has happened day in and day out.
I will make you guys a promise. If this cycle gets a BFP, then I promise to tell you guys how we got those amazing numbers and swimmers this cycle. Trust me. It will make you chuckle.
No? Just me.
Someone answer this riddle. WHY? How is it possible that I have never spotted before 12 DPO before? BUT here it is 10 DPO and guess what? Yep. Spotting.
Son of a Kitten SPOTTING.
Now, I could be one of those constantly hopeful and wishful morons who thinks this is Implantation Bleeding. But, we all know I am a Negative Nancy. My mind does not look at a half full glass. My mind sees it as a half empty glass and the sudden urge to pee while on a 911 call.
Sidenote, nothing will make you more aware of your bladder than a 911 call lasting over 5 minutes. It never fails. If a call is going to become something that you have to sit through for the 2 hour duration, you will feel the need to pee about 5 minutes into the call.
Don't think that I am above telling the Shift Commander to tell his boys to cool their dicks with traffic stops so I can take a potty break.
Totally different topic, which has no transition, except that I said dicks in the previous sentence and my mind went, OH WAIT SPERM!
I don't think I ever included DH's SA results from the IUI. I meant to but I don't completely understand how it works so I asked the geniuses at TB and this is what I learned.
DH results:
Count: 77 mil
Volume: 3.5 ml
Motility: 51
Total motility: 137 x10 6th/ml
Post wash concentration: 234 x10 6th/ml
Post wash motile: 43
Post wash total motile: 40x 10 6th/ml
Here is the reply from KatiB who explains it the best.
"If his original count was 77mil/ml times 3.5ml then his original count total was 269,500,000. (ie 269.5 mil). They spun it around so the bad swimmers fell to the bottom and skimmed the good fellas off the top.
It sounds like they ended up putting 0.6 ml back in you, which based on the post wash concentration 234mil/ml times 0.6 is 140 million sperm of which 43% was motile (140mil times .43 = 42 million swimming sperm). If I am wrong and it was .4ml put back in you then it's 93 million sperm at 43% motility which still equals 40 million swimmers.
Either way - that is an amazing post wash!"
I wanted to add those numbers in here at some point, because I will eventually forget them. That's one of the reasons I really like blogging about this journey. This site helps me remember what has happened day in and day out.
I will make you guys a promise. If this cycle gets a BFP, then I promise to tell you guys how we got those amazing numbers and swimmers this cycle. Trust me. It will make you chuckle.
Friday, April 26, 2013
A post about nothing
This post is literally about nothing.
I have nothing to report. No phantom symptoms. No weird boob growth problems. No veins popping out or stomach wanting to hurl up my favorite coffee shop sandwich.
I did have a headache yesterday, but I'm not imagining that. That witch was real.
I'm still not sure when I will test. I could test tomorrow. It's early and I've seen people get accurate results on 10 DPO but I've also seen others not get a BFP until a 12 DPO or later.
Plus, I have a 1 year olds birthday party to go to tomorrow. I don't want to be bummed out by a BFN. So I may wait??
I will at least test Monday, if there is no spotting. If I start spotting I won't test at all. I hate the double confirmation of "oh look you're bleeding yet still hope to get a BFP? Don't you feel stupid!"
I have nothing to report. No phantom symptoms. No weird boob growth problems. No veins popping out or stomach wanting to hurl up my favorite coffee shop sandwich.
I did have a headache yesterday, but I'm not imagining that. That witch was real.
I'm still not sure when I will test. I could test tomorrow. It's early and I've seen people get accurate results on 10 DPO but I've also seen others not get a BFP until a 12 DPO or later.
Plus, I have a 1 year olds birthday party to go to tomorrow. I don't want to be bummed out by a BFN. So I may wait??
I will at least test Monday, if there is no spotting. If I start spotting I won't test at all. I hate the double confirmation of "oh look you're bleeding yet still hope to get a BFP? Don't you feel stupid!"
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Good news
Progesterone is 11.4!!!
Squeeeeee!!!! Yay for my expensive-rip-me-a-new-one medication.
In reality, my Femara isn't expensive compared to other IF meds, but I'm still miffed that I could have gotten it for A LOT LESS.
Squeeeeee!!!! Yay for my expensive-rip-me-a-new-one medication.
In reality, my Femara isn't expensive compared to other IF meds, but I'm still miffed that I could have gotten it for A LOT LESS.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
P4 test tomorrow
You would think that when I'm on night shift that I would have more free time to write a blog entry.
Nope. I suck when I'm on night shift. I basically sleep the entire time I'm not working 12 hours. By the end of the rotation, my house is a disaster and DH is rummaging for clean underwear. Luckily he knows how to take care of himself an is sweet enough to do his and my laundry so I don't have to go to work naked.
My mind isn't capable of thinking much right now, but I will be posting an entry soon for NAIW National Infertility Awareness Week. I just need more time to get it together.
Tomorrow is my P4 test. Remember, the goal is above 10, but I would love to see it higher than that.
I should know my results tomorrow afternoon. After that, it's another week of waiting. I will probably test earlier than that, somewhere around 12 dpo.
Nope. I suck when I'm on night shift. I basically sleep the entire time I'm not working 12 hours. By the end of the rotation, my house is a disaster and DH is rummaging for clean underwear. Luckily he knows how to take care of himself an is sweet enough to do his and my laundry so I don't have to go to work naked.
My mind isn't capable of thinking much right now, but I will be posting an entry soon for NAIW National Infertility Awareness Week. I just need more time to get it together.
Tomorrow is my P4 test. Remember, the goal is above 10, but I would love to see it higher than that.
I should know my results tomorrow afternoon. After that, it's another week of waiting. I will probably test earlier than that, somewhere around 12 dpo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)