CD 1. It's time for a new beginning.

I wish I was a better writer so I could hodge podge some words together that would properly express how I feel. Sad. Disappointed. Depressed. Upset. Angry. Failure.

Not one of those words encompasses the true meaning of what I feel like today.

Even though this is possibly the lowest point along this journey, I also had a small epiphany today. But first, let me talk about how I have been feeling lately.

My hopes were high for this cycle. Too high, actually. With the cycle being paid for and the post wash sperm count so high, I was too optimistic that it would work. There's a fine line that you have to walk with IF. When you get too far to the right or left of too hopeful or too depressed, you fall off that line. And it's hard to get back to that central location where everything feels OK. Hell, I'm not even sure you can tightrope that line. I feel like I am constantly on one side or the other, taking drunken steps while holding my fingers up my nose and looking like a monkey humping a football. That is IF for me.

I realized my attitude and life was headed too low during a birthday party for my 1 year old niece. Don't get me wrong. I love her with all of my heart. She's the funniest little goofball and she has an amazing ability to smile and laugh at everyone. She truly loves people. But, I couldn't fully enjoy those moments.

I had to work that morning and was just coming off a bad call before I took off early to go to the party. We had an elderly lady die in a house fire and I still had her on my mind when I walked into the party. The niceties of "How are you?" "How's life?" "How's work?" were tossed around by some family and friends and all I could say was "Fine." But inside I was screaming, "You don't really want to know. If you did, you would see that my face is flipped upside down and my heart is on my sleeve. You would see that I am two seconds away from crying at any moment. But other than that, Oh I am swell."

There was some very awkward tense moments between my mom and I as I dropped her off back at her car. She cares about my IF. I know she does. She just doesn't know how to deal with it. Hell, I don't even know how to deal with it somedays. But somedays, all I need is a shoulder to cry on and someone to talk to during the hard time, not just on the days of my IUI or doctor's visits. My friends and family who know about our IF don't call anymore. And I have stopped calling them or texting them to let them know what's going on. I feel like all we ever get is our hopes up and then bad news so we end up disappointing people. I don't want to feel like I am constantly whining to people so I just keep it inside.

And inside me is where is stays until one bad feeling stacks on top of another bad feeling and then another and another. That's where they stay until the feelings all tumble down in one giant mass of crap.

Throw in a little piece of jealousy, slab of anger and a brick of guilt, and you will have a lifesize Jenga game in the shape of Me. All it takes is one piece pulled out of place and I will come crumbling to the ground.

These words bring me to the epiphany part of my story. Once again, the life changing moment took place on the shitter. All of life's greatest moments happen on the shitter. That's normally when my insurance company likes to call me and attempt to make me cry. The toilet is also where I beat a lot of my Candy Crush levels. It's also where I get away from DH with my fake bathroom issues. (Oh come on. Admit it. You have faked a stomach pain to get some time alone from the husband or dogs.)

So during my Pity Party, party of one, I realized that I have lost me in all of this. My life revolves around my cycle. I can tell you what CD I am on and what work shift I am currently on, but I can't tell you what day of the week it is. I also can't tell you when I did something for me, solely for my own enjoyment. (Besides my pedicure recently, but even that was DH's idea and he paid for it and made my date arrangement with my friend. If you knew my DH in real life, you would think he is a hard ass, but he can be a softie sometimes. Just don't tell him that you know. He likes the bad ass persona.)

I'm going back to me. I'm going to find me and get lost again in myself. Recently, one of my Bump friends said she doesn't let IF define her life. But, I was letting it define me.

Not anymore. I'm done with letting it rule everything in my life. I am done having IF and TTC be the end all and be all of my existence. From here on out, I am making some vows to myself.

• I vow to get my camera out everyday. I will not have another moment of sadness when I start to take a picture at a birthday party and realize the last picture I took was on Christmas Day. Photography was my passion. I am going to find that passion again.
• I vow to read more books.
• I vow to make my trip to Edisto Island with my family fun and I will not let my IF bring me down.
• I vow to not ignore my feelings and I will express them to someone or to you guys here in my little blog that I treat like a diary.
• I vow to take the time for me. On Mother's Day, I will be at the beach with family. DH and I are planning on taking a day for ourselves and run away to enjoy the day together. I will not feel guilty for this.
• I vow to find a new hobby, something crafty maybe. I may learn to knit. The options are still being juggled in my mind for this one. I am open to suggestions.
• I vow to cook healthy meals at home.
• I vow to cook biscuit and gravy for supper at least once a month because it is DH's favorite. Rules are made to be broken. See the previous promise.
• I vow to treat my body in a more healthy fashion, whether it be more exercise, eating better, etc.

The last one is the most important.

• I vow to not let Infertility define me. I will have sad moments. I will have happy moments. But they will only be moments. They will not last for days without end. Because this too shall pass.