I've been put in time out.

FUDDLEHDIFNIO BEFGFRAKING SHAIEFYTCETCYCH

That's kinda how my mind feels today. You know what makes CD 2 even better than CD 1? Finding out you've been benched for a cycle before it ever really begins.

I called WW Mary today to get my Femara Rx called in, but when she pulled my file, she said my uterine lining last month was 4.6ish. Optimum is over 8.

My options were to go on Femara again and risk thinning my lining even more or skipping this cycle. Obviously, WW Mary encouraged me to not take Femara again and to come in for a What The Frock meeting with Dr. A. Until then, she couldn't give me a Rx to help augment the lining issue.

While she was scheduling a WTF appointment with Dr A, she said the soonest I could be seen is two weeks away. So even if we had wanted to do an IUI, I may not have been able to get an appointment. Ugh.

Dr. A wants to do two more IUIs and then discuss IVF. Unfortunately, because of finances, IVF is not an option for us. Unless we miraculously win the lottery or I find $10,000 in last year's coat pocket, it's not something that we can afford. If we get to that point, we will have some major decisions to make.

But, for now, I am just looking forward to the next IUI and hoping it works ... whenever that will be.

What does it feel like?

Sometimes I wonder ... what would it feel like to go back to being a TTC newbie? Ignorant to all things bad that are called Infertility. Blissful to the idea of creating life and expanding DH and I into a family of three. Hopeful to the point of sickening myself with giddy each month that I am one day closer to buying cute outfits, cuddling a newborn, late night feedings and building a cloth diaper stash. (Yes, I will cloth diaper. I'm not crunchy and only a little green, but I am thrifty and OMG have you seen the cute fluffy butts?)

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to watch Youtube videos of wives announcing pregnancies to husbands without the fear creeping in that I may never get to do that.

Sometimes I wonder how I would set up a nursery; how we would discipline and raise a child; what trips we would take; traditions we would make on holidays; and how many pairs of Air Jordan shoes DH would buy if we had a son.

The wishing and hopefulness has died a little each month. With each BFN and AF, I forbid my hopes from getting higher the next month. I tell myself not to look at baby clothes in stores. I skip over the ads and internet stories that contain baby information. Up until a few months ago, I had a stockpile of baby related pins on a seperate Pinterest account. I created it wayyyyyy before the genius minds of Pinterest released secret boards. I would visit that account on my good days and pin away until my heart was purely content of nursery ideas, cloth diaper information, breastfeeding, clothes, etc. It was my place to escape and dream about all things baby and pregnancy. I loved my secret account.

I can honestly tell you that I haven't logged into that account in over two months. It doesn't bring me the same happiness anymore.

This post is a rambling of hodge podge crapped onto a page to whine about life. Basically, this is a giant Dear Diary post because I wanted somewhere to write about this last item. Of all the things I have always thought about over the past 21 months is how one thing would feel when one certain thing happened.

I've always wondered how it would feel to finally see a second line on a pregnancy test. Would I stand there in shock? Would I scream? Would I pass out? Or would I just sit down and cry?

Yesterday, on CD 28/14 DPO with spotting already happening, I took a test and got my answer to that question. Seeing that second line, I stood there in disbelief and instead of thinking "Could this be real?" I threw the test in the trash and dipped another wondfo (BFN). Because if there is one thing I have learned in this shittastic IF mess is to not get your hopes up, especially when you own a pack of wondfos HPTs that have been reported as faulty and notorious for giving false positives.

 

It's difficult to see in the picture. The top one is the faulty test with a smeared area and clearly has a faint line IRL.

Today is CD1. My CD1 kit includes some wine, an Oreo Cheesecake milkshake and BBQ chips.

I need to find my happy place again. I'm lost out here looking for it and my only means of survival are wine, chips and milkshakes. If I don't make it back to my happy place in a couple days, can someone please send search and rescue teams?

This is what happens ...

When you leave a half of a watermelon alone with an unattended Golden Retriever. 

DH is mad because he only ate the other half. He's ticked that the pup didn't at least leave him part that he could eat. 

CD 26 -- 12 DPO

This 2WW hasn't been too bad as far as the ups and downs normally are concerned. But it's the last few days before AF always arrive that are a complete mind screw.

Every phantom symptom gets in your brain. Even the slightest twinge or cramp means little or it means a whole lot.

Most of my followers know what I mean, since the great majority of you are TTC or are KU now. Heck, some of you probably already have delivered and are back to TTC again. Getting lapped by someone in the TTC process is always fun, kinda like how root canals are fun.

I don't like to give daily updates on my Ute status because I think it's mundane and boring to read the same thing over and over again, but here's the obligatory list of symptoms that will undoubtedly end up being only PMS again. Statistically speaking, getting a BFP this cycle or any cycle is becoming more of a long shot. Screw you depressing statistics.

Phantom symptoms:

Overly active appetite. I could seriously eat a whole chicken right now, or at least the box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that an officer brought us.

Exhausted. I fell asleep yesterday while sitting straight up in a chair. I think I was in the process of blinking and my body just died for about 5 minutes. Picture in your head that after 5 minutes, my neck muscles gave out, my head lolled almost off my shoulders and I almost fell out of the chair. I'm classy like that.

No cramps. I get cramps before AF for several days prior, but maybe by Ute is just being nice to me this month.

As for testing, this morning was a BFN. Bravo. Foxtrot. November.

I should start gathering up supplies for my CD 1 kit soon: drinks, tampons, old lady underwear, chocolate, etc. Any other ideas that are in your CD 1 kit?

::snort:: Cracks me up every time I look at it.

I shared my IF story!

You guise, this is big for me. Only a handful of other people know about our IF, and the majority of those are family or BFF. 

Today, I had an Aflac meeting at work. Last year the rep and I talked about what would be good for maternity leave coverage. I picked up a short term disability and a hospital plan last year during open enrollment. This year, he remembered that and asked if I wanted to up the plan or stay the same. He point blank asked me if I was trying to use it for maternity leave. 

Another rep was in there and I hesitated. And then I opened up and told them about my IF and I want to keep the plans. They listened to me and he said, I don't know how hard it is personally but my sister TTC for almost 5 years. I was so scared he was going to give me the relax speech. 

Instead he said, I saw how hard it was on her and I'm sorry. He even told me how he remembered how hard mothers days were for her and how she skipped church those days. I thanked him and said well how is your sister now. He said she is the mother of three and one on the way. 

Both reps were so nice and wished me luck as I left. 

Maybe this sharing our story thing isn't as hard as I thought it would be?  

I'm still not ready to share with everyone. Who knows if I ever will be, but today was a nice boost in that direction. I realize that by keeping my IF private it could be thought of as only hindering the cause to bring more awareness to the disease. It's always rattling in my mind of whether my opening up would do me more good than keeping it private does. 

Chew on that nugget for a while. What do you guys think? 

TTC related news: CD 24/10 DPO and a BFN this morning. I know it's still early but I'm already looking forward to moving

onto IUI 2 next month. 

A dose of karma

Some of the bad days of my job are cured by a sweet minute of karma.

We get lied to a lot. A.Lot. I would be hard pressed to name a handful of calls a day in which I believe every word that a 911 caller says. 

Medical calls are exaggerated because the person thinks if they scream and cry louder then the ambulances run faster. Wrong. Your pain and level of screaming do not correlate to emergency traffic. Also, yelling at a 911 call taker does more harm than good, especially if you're calling from a cell phone. The louder you are, the more you sound like Charlie Brown's teacher.

Whomp. Wha. Wha. Inaudible screaming. Whamp. Wha. Wha. 

I can smell a lie from a mile away. Problem is ... I can't do a danged thing about it. I have to trust what the caller is saying. I have to relay that information to officers, EMS and fire like those words are written in red type font by Jesus himself. 

All I can hope for is that one day I will get to drive the karma bus.

Professional tips:

1. Don't tell a 911 dispatcher that you can't talk to the cops because you're scared of your significant other and in the same breath, whisper to the person beside you to lie and say you're not there but you will be hiding in the bathroom. 

::I can still hear you.:: 

(That call ended with Miss Hide and Go Seek going to jail because she was the aggressor in the domestic violence, not her significant other.)

2. Yelling at the dispatcher because our crystal ball isn't working and we magically don't know your address does not help. Learn your address. Kindergartners know this. Plus, once we do figure out your address, yelling and cursing us will most definitely get you a visit from the po-po. Which is not something you want when you have active warrants. 

Basically, short version of this tip is don't call 911 unless you're positive you don't have warrants out for your own arrest. 

3. If you have a breathalyzer installed that manages the function and permitted use of your car, don't keep blowing into it if your drunk. It will eventually lock you out for a longer period of time. Calling 911 to complain and request a field sobriety test is probably not the wisest decision. There's a pretty good chance you will go to jail, unless the officer is nice enough to escort you back inside your house to save you a public intoxication charge. 

CD 20 - 6 DPO

Back to the dreaded and simultaneously anticipated 2WW.

It's a love-hate relationship with this time of my cycle. I'm glad I'm in the waiting to test part but I dread this time because it's torture to keep thinking and waiting.

I'm 6 DPO and won't test until at least 10 DPO or maybe 12. At this point, I'm not overly hopeful with this month and am already planning for IUI 2.

During our hours in the car going to and from vacation, DH had lots of time to talk about the future and what length of treatment we're willing to take. We both have similar feelings but haven't made any final decisions but when we do I will share it.

Until then, we wait.