What does it feel like?

Sometimes I wonder ... what would it feel like to go back to being a TTC newbie? Ignorant to all things bad that are called Infertility. Blissful to the idea of creating life and expanding DH and I into a family of three. Hopeful to the point of sickening myself with giddy each month that I am one day closer to buying cute outfits, cuddling a newborn, late night feedings and building a cloth diaper stash. (Yes, I will cloth diaper. I'm not crunchy and only a little green, but I am thrifty and OMG have you seen the cute fluffy butts?)

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to watch Youtube videos of wives announcing pregnancies to husbands without the fear creeping in that I may never get to do that.

Sometimes I wonder how I would set up a nursery; how we would discipline and raise a child; what trips we would take; traditions we would make on holidays; and how many pairs of Air Jordan shoes DH would buy if we had a son.

The wishing and hopefulness has died a little each month. With each BFN and AF, I forbid my hopes from getting higher the next month. I tell myself not to look at baby clothes in stores. I skip over the ads and internet stories that contain baby information. Up until a few months ago, I had a stockpile of baby related pins on a seperate Pinterest account. I created it wayyyyyy before the genius minds of Pinterest released secret boards. I would visit that account on my good days and pin away until my heart was purely content of nursery ideas, cloth diaper information, breastfeeding, clothes, etc. It was my place to escape and dream about all things baby and pregnancy. I loved my secret account.

I can honestly tell you that I haven't logged into that account in over two months. It doesn't bring me the same happiness anymore.

This post is a rambling of hodge podge crapped onto a page to whine about life. Basically, this is a giant Dear Diary post because I wanted somewhere to write about this last item. Of all the things I have always thought about over the past 21 months is how one thing would feel when one certain thing happened.

I've always wondered how it would feel to finally see a second line on a pregnancy test. Would I stand there in shock? Would I scream? Would I pass out? Or would I just sit down and cry?

Yesterday, on CD 28/14 DPO with spotting already happening, I took a test and got my answer to that question. Seeing that second line, I stood there in disbelief and instead of thinking "Could this be real?" I threw the test in the trash and dipped another wondfo (BFN). Because if there is one thing I have learned in this shittastic IF mess is to not get your hopes up, especially when you own a pack of wondfos HPTs that have been reported as faulty and notorious for giving false positives.

 

It's difficult to see in the picture. The top one is the faulty test with a smeared area and clearly has a faint line IRL.

Today is CD1. My CD1 kit includes some wine, an Oreo Cheesecake milkshake and BBQ chips.

I need to find my happy place again. I'm lost out here looking for it and my only means of survival are wine, chips and milkshakes. If I don't make it back to my happy place in a couple days, can someone please send search and rescue teams?