First follie US

CD 8 monitoring US went as expected. Thank goodness. 

Dr A wants to be more aggressive this cycle and we're shooting for two follies, maybe three. 

Today, I have about 5 follies that are hanging out, with one a little larger than the rest. The plan is to continue 75 IU of Gonal F until Thursday's US and see if that brings a few others up to speed. The fear is that if the one big follie continues to outpace the others then it will become dominant and progress but the others will not, leaving us with only one follicle again. Through the controlled ovarian hyper stimulation we're attempting to keep 2-3 at the same size until we trigger them to release. 

Thursday is CD 10 and we will do another scan and more bloodwork. 

Also, if you recognize these terms and abbreviations you win a cookie. 

It's that time again.

EDIT: this was supposed to publish yesterday. Blogger had a glitch and I had to republish a day late. 

It's time to shoot myself again. 

Today is CD 6. I've been on Femara 2.5 mg for 4 days and will finish it tomorrow. Gonal F shots start tonight with 75 IU to be continued until the first scan. From there we will decide to lower or keep the higher dose after my Tuesday US on CD 8. 

Fortunately, my Gonal F pen will last me through this cycle. I could potentially have enough for more cycles but it technically expires right about now. Expiration is 28 days after its opened, however, I've read a lot of women use expired drugs and they work fine. 

I still have a trigger shot left, but will need the Menopur prescribed again. Dr A said he may only do one dose of Menopur so that would only be $79 plus the $833 for the monitoring and IUI from the RE. Less than a $1,000 for an injects IUI cycle is rootin tootin cheap. I do have an amazing  RE office and he has great pricing. FYI, his IVF cycle is less than $9,000 without meds, which can potentially add another $2,000. He doesn't offer a shared risk program, like Shady Grove and other large clinics routinely use.

That's the cost for one fresh IVF. If frozen embryos are preserved and subsequently used for later cycles, the cost is much, much less. I can't remember the exact total but I want to say around $4,000 for a Frozen Embryo Transfer, or what is commonly referred to as FET. 

The big upfront cost for the fresh cycle is for the monitoring, egg retrieval and fertilization. ICSI, a process by which the sperm is individually put into the egg, costs a little more and adds to the total. 

I don't know why I got onto an IVF tangent. It could be because we've discussed things at length recently and still haven't reached a clear cut decision. We're both thinking about what's next and forgetting that there is some hope in this cycle. I let myself think that it could really happen this last cycle and now I don't even want to entertain the idea so I don't get let down again. Make sense? 

The higher you fly, the harder your fall?!

Anywho, I leave you with a cute pic. Who wants to kiss this nose???

She is about two inches from my face, laying on a pillow in my lap. Can you say spoiled? 

Today...

Today I didn't cry.

That's got to be a good sign, right?

Today was CD 4 and my first baseline scan for my IUI 3. At this point, this will be our last effort with fertility treatments to get pregnant. 

Unless I win the lottery (which I don't play) or somehow find $20,000 laying on the sidewalk, then we're done after this. We will start saving money, either for IVF or for adoption. Since adoption has a better success rate than the 50% success rate of IVF then that may be the direction we walk. 

DH and I have talked at length for the past few days and we're still circling about where the path may lead us. 

But, for today and the next few weeks, I will focus on this cycle and try to search deep and find some hope somewhere amongst my heartache. 

As for my appointment, Dr A and I both want to be aggressive and attempt to get 2-3 follies this time. I will start with 75 IU of Gonal F on cd 6 after I do 5 days of Femara 2.5 mg. 

I swear I'm not in college anymore

Angry orchard and Ramen noodles. 

The perfect meal for a soon to be 32 year old at 9:45 p.m. 

I'm lost.

I'm lost. 

I don't know where to go for support. I don't know who to turn to in real life. I don't know where to seek refuge on the Internet. I know I have lots of friends in both places but I feel like I'm at a turning point and I need someone to hold my hand and tell me exactly which way is the best direction for us. 

I've made a CD 3 appt to do one more injects and IUI cycle but I have zero hope that it will work. I've tried to rationalize with my mind and heart and wrap around one more cycle but the little person tapping me on the shoulder says it's not going to work. 

I may never be pregnant. I may never feel a child kicking inside me. I may never get to experience the fear, anxiety and wonder of birth. 

I don't want to start the meds over again because I know it will tailspin my emotions all over again, but there is not an option of a cycle break. My meds will expire after this cycle, meaning that the money that we do have left will not be enough if I have to purchase the whole kitten kaboodle of meds again. 

The carousel of emotions is draining. I have no energy and am angry non stop. My coworkers hate me so much right now because they don't know why I'm being a raging, sniffing, secretly sobbing psycho. 

Rambling is all that is happening in this post and I'm sorry. Even my mind can't get wrapped around how to type words onto a screen without getting lost. 

If someone finds me wandering around, please hold my hand and put me back on the right path, wherever it may lead.

The beginning of the end.

If I write too much, I will start crying. Since I'm at work, I would like to avoid that.

I will keep it short. The spotting is getting worse. AF should be here in a couple days, despite the intended help from progesterone to keep the spotting away.

I don't know where to go from here. DH and I will talk later about our plans for the future. The options are to declare this our last cycle and settle for never having a biological child, pursue adoption or save money to continue IF treatment. 

At this point we're financially infertile. It's a mind numbing moment when you realize that money is blocking the road from becoming parents. 

I could keep writing but I feel the tears welling up so I will stop for now. 

CD 26 / 10 DPIUI

The trigger is gone. 

Oh Gah. What do I do if the second line doesn't come back? 

Now the worrying starts.