Disclaimer: I am a 911 dispatcher. All of the stories that I tell are based on true events that have happened to me or someone else in emergency services. My anecdotal stories are told purely for comic relief and will not be told in a way to identify the caller or and personal information.
As an emergency services worker, I can honestly say that I've heard everything. Well, *almost* everything. I stress *almost* because one day a caller will say something new that will make me pee a little. All I can say is that one word in a 911 call can change the call's tone to slap-your-knee-funny in less than a second. Pay attention to detail people.
Some of my favorites so far include:
911: Where is your emergency?
Caller: My girlfriend. My wife. My ex wife. Hell, my baby's mama is driving ironically.
911: Where is your emergency?
C: My wife needs to go to the ER to be evaginated. Can a squad come get her to be evaginated?
911: Sir, I'm not sure what you mean by evaginated, but yes, I am sure they will do their best.
911: Where is your emergency?
C: Help. My wife is dishorniated.
(I think he meant disoriented. But, he kept saying dishorniated, so I like to imagine that his wife was horny to the point of disorientation. Come on, we've all been there before. Have a few drinks and any male with a penis can make the best of us dishorniated.)
Caller refuses to say where he is located and even though the call could be traced, he couldn't provide a reason for calling 911. Apparently, alcohol makes people want to talk. The following was this man's example of verbal diarrhea.
911: Do you have an emergency?
C: Yes.
911: What's your emergency?
C: Are you mad at me?
911: No. Do you need help?
C: You want to come party with me?
911: Sure. Where's the party?
C: It's at 555 Main Street.
911: OK. Thanks for the invitation. My friends are coming right over.
C: OK. I love you. Bye.
(This gentleman was advised the consequences of 911 abuse when the friends with handcuffs and guns showed up.)
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